The Ten Christian Principles For A Successful Marriage

I’ve counseled and been the pastor of marriages for years. In all that time, I have come to realize what makes a successful marriage. Any marriage, and I mean any marriage, that follows these ten principles will be successful. Yes, these are Christian principles. Here are the Ten Principles for a successful marriage. A summary of each will follow:

1. Unless God is allowed to be the Chief Architect of my marriage, I can’t get the marriage I want. (Psalms 127:1, 128:1-6)
2. Communication is the medium through which all love, growth, and grace must flow. (Prov 18:4, 21)
3. Unhealed emotional injuries will always be the most hazardous obstructions in my marriage. (2 Cor 2:6-7, Mat 5:23-24)
4. There can’t be any place, physical, mental, or emotional that my spouse is not allowed to go with me. (Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Mark 10:8)
5. Deepening my love for my spouse is dependent upon increasing my knowledge of, and walk with, God. (1 John 4:8)
6. Resolution and reconciliation is more important than who is at fault or who is to blame. (Mat 5:23-24, Mat 18:21-22)
7. Strengthening shared values is more essential to my marriage bond than engaging in shared interests. (Amos 3:3, 2 Cor 6:14)
8. It is more important to earn my spouse’s trust than to get my own way. (Prov 28:20, Prov 25:19)
9. To whatever degree insecurity exists in my marriage to that same extent my marriage has become vulnerable. (Luke 22:31-34, Heb 6:18-19)
10. Submission and love go hand in hand, and neither can exist in my marriage without the other. (John 15:13, Eph 5:21-33)

Here is a brief explanation of each principle: Unless God is allowed to be the Chief Architect of my marriage, I can’t get the marriage I want. (Psalms 127:1, 128:1-6) No one ever planned to have a lousy marriage. They have great dreams of happiness and marital bliss. They just don’t have any plans. Or they aren’t following the plans. Or they are changing the plans. God knows what He is doing and He has given us a complete set of architectural plans for building a good marriage. These plans are intuitive for your specific and unique marriage. They are indeed drawn up to provide you with what you want while staying within the codes and regulations. Communication is the medium through which all love, growth, and grace must flow. (Prov 18:4, 21) Communication is the bedrock for any relationship. It does little good to love someone but be incapable of expressing that love. Without good communication, a marriage cannot function properly. There are many types of communication. Body language, symbols, words, music, and even tears are all forms of communication. But without it, there can be no growth. Unhealed emotional injuries will always be the most hazardous obstructions in my marriage. (2 Cor 2:6-7, Mat 5:23-24) When a person is emotionally traumatized, they usually stop their emotional growth at that moment. As a result, we have adults getting married who emotionally are still children, or senior citizens who still have an emotional immaturity of a young couple. These emotional injuries are the greatest danger to a marriage. They prevent growth. They stop couples from achieving their dreams. They short-circuit a couple’s happiness. Giving them all the knowledge in the world is not going to fix such a marriage. Only healing will fix it. There can’t be any place, physical, mental, or emotional that my spouse is not allowed to go with me. (Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Mark 10:8) When distances - physical, mental, or emotional - between a married couple are enforced, it only creates greater distance. When a man tells his wife that she cannot be part of an area of his life, he pushes her away in other areas. This is very destructive. Sometimes, a man or a woman will have a fantasy realm tucked away in their imagination. His wife, or her husband, is not allowed to go there. This creates even more distance. When a woman is addicted to romance novels or even romance movies, she will begin to compare her husband to the men she is observing or reading about. This is not good. It is an area her husband is not allowed to go and it creates more distance. Deepening my love for my spouse is dependent upon increasing my knowledge of, and walk with, God. (1 John 4:8) The relationship with God - not necessarily a duty for God - will always deepen other relationships. As our understanding of God expands, our ability to love is also deepened. God is the embodiment of qualities we cherish, such as love, peace, kindness, gentleness, mercy, forgiveness, and so forth. To get to know God, therefore, is to begin to understand these qualities in ways that will always have a positive effect on every other relationship - including, and especially, marriage. Resolution and reconciliation is more important than who is at fault or who is to blame. (Mat 5:23-24, Mat 18:21-22) Too often couples fight to accuse, blame, and otherwise point fingers. This is never conducive to good relationship building. It is highly destructive and nothing constructive can come out of such bickering. Until a couple can put aside the blame and fault, they will never find resolution or true reconciliation. Blaming the other person may provide a temporary sense of relief or justification, but it won’t fix anything. There must be more conce for solutions than who created the problem. Strengthening shared values is more essential to my marriage bond than engaging in shared interests. (Amos 3:3, 2 Cor 6:14) Doing things together is important. There is nothing wrong with that! But values are a much more powerful bond than sharing interests. Having things in common may have initially drawn two people together, but sharing similar values, morals, and principles will keep a couple together. Strengthening these bonds is essential. They help provide the vision and purpose of a relationship. Without the shared values, there is no meaning to the marriage. Two people getting married because they like to do things together should not be the sole reason - might as well join a club. But when two people have the same morals, they find a mission, a purpose that gives their marriage meaning. It is more important to earn my spouse’s trust than to get my own way. (Prov 28:20, Prov 25:19) Trust is a large factor in providing security. But too often immaturity intrudes and a couple finds their marriage inconvenient. Marriage requires responsibility. Responsibility requires accountability. Accountability requires maturity. It is imperative that a couple keep each other’s trust. Earning someone’s trust takes effort, time, and commitment. There is no other way to gain someone’s complete trust. In marriage, this trust ought to be much more important than getting your way. To whatever degree insecurity exists in my marriage to that same extent my marriage has become vulnerable. (Luke 22:31-34, Heb 6:18-19) When either the husband or the wife is insecure, the marriage becomes vulnerable to Satan, outside influences, stress, and pressure. A couple who is secure in their marriage can defend any attack, resist any influence, and handle any stress or pressure. Too often we strip our spouse of his or her security. Sometimes this is done in innocence, sometimes in anger, sometimes intentionally. Either way, no one will be happy. An insecure wife will become controlling and dominating. An insecure husband will become reclusive, withdrawn, and angry. Anything could cause that volcano to blow. Submission and love go hand in hand, and neither can exist in my marriage without the other. (John 15:13, Eph 5:21-33) Our society has rejected it, but submission and love are right and proper in marriage. When both the husband and the wife mix submission and love for each other there is stability and strength in the marriage. The husband is head of the home, the Bible teaches, and the wife is supposed to submit. Yet the husband is to love the wife. And what few people understand is that love is always an act of submission. So the Bible command is twofold. A couple is supposed to submit to each other because submission is one of the greatest acts of love possible. The Bible commands us to submit to God to demonstrate our love (John 15:15), and Jesus submitted Himself to the cross as an act of love (Philp 2:8, John 3:16). Both the husband and the wife are to do the same for each other. The two cannot exist apart.