If you're thinking about this phrase or asking the questions that stem from it, then it's probably safe to say the state of your marriage isn't as strong or as stable as you would like it to be. I don't know the specifics of your situation, or whether your spouse is just not as happy as he could be, is downright unhappy, or has broached the subject of a breakup or divorce.
What I do know is that it is absolutely possible to save a marriage, (single-handedly), even if you are the only one who wants to. I know this because I have done it myself.
You basically need two things to return your marriage to a happy state. These things will probably sound overly simplistic at first, but they really are not. First, you need to return the positive feelings between you and your spouse. This can be harder to do than it sounds, especially if there are deep, troublesome issues or distances between you. But, there are several ways to do this, which I will discuss in this article.
Second, based on how well you accomplish number one, you'll have to restore commitment on the part of both parties. (This comes later. You can complete number one on your own. The commitment part comes after both parties are back "in love.") After all, divorce just isn't very likely when both parties are committed to staying together and making the marriage work.
Returning The Spark In Your Marriage: I want you to think back to when you and your spouse were first dating. I'd be willing to bet that any arguments or problems you encountered were dealt with fairly quickly without much drama. How do I know this? Because people who are deeply in love don't want to spend their time fighting with one another. They want to gloss over any negative issues so that they can concentrate on the good stuff - the positive feelings between them.
If your marriage is in trouble, it goes without saying that you're losing a foothold on the positive feelings that the two of you used to generate. Over time, negative feelings begin to overshadow the positive ones, which is why people "fall out of love". There are so many reasons for this, but often responsibilities (kids, stress, work, aging parents, etc) limit the amount of time you are able to put into the marriage.
Now, back to when you were dating. Most people pour tons of time, effort, thought, and action into their partner when they are courting or dating. Your significant other's happiness is often among your top priorities. The result is a strong, intense, spark filled union. So, what is different about today? Time, probably. The "newness" factor certainly. How do you combat this? You give your spouse more of your undivided time and attention, even if you have to adjust your schedule for a while.
Now, I'm going to tell you something that you may not believe at first, but you will when you take time to think about it. You have a great advantage in saving your marriage. You already know how and why your husband or wife first fell in love with you. This series of loving events have already happened before (so much so they fell madly in love with you and married you.)
Think back to that person who first caught your husband or wife's eye. Who was this person? What did your spouse love about them? How much of those qualities does your spouse now see on a regular basis currently? For example, if your husband loved your light-hearted sense of humor, do you show him this on a regular basis now?
Repeatedly Reintroducing The Two People Who Fell In Love Makes The Process Easier And Leads To A Deeper Commitment: I hope I've shown you that it's vital to present your best self to your spouse on a regular basis. At this point, you don't want or need to get in a bunch of deep discussions about what is wrong with your marriage and why you're both not happy. Instead, you want to focus on reintroducing the two people who fell in love so that the positive feelings will return on their own. Because once you begin generating strong, positive feelings, the rest will fall into place so much easier.
Now, you can't be overly obvious about this or come right out and tell them what you are doing. And you don't want to try too hard or follow, repeatedly question, or communicate so much that it is overkill. This will only make your spouse more resistant or drive him further away ( This is exactly what happened to me. More on
that here.)
Instead, you want your spouse to know that you are committed to the marriage and to being as happy together as you once were. However, you only need to say this a few times. Begging or appearing too desperate or eager to please takes your power away and makes you appear unattractive and clingy.
Instead, you are going to demonstrate this with your actions. And you are going to present a vibrant, open-hearted, exciting individual. The result should be two people who are again feeling the positive feelings that brought them together in the first place. Once you're back to this place, you can then have the deep discussions about the problems that brought you here, but you shouldn't do this until your marriage is strong enough to handle it, and both parties are once again equally committed.
What if your partner isn't receptive right now or isn't talking to you or taking your calls? The process is the same, except that it takes longer and you'll take smaller baby steps.
I had to use this approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). But I only resorted to it after making tons of mistakes. It was fine in the end, but I wasted tons of time. This doesn't have to be the case for you. You can read
that story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com