The 21-Day Complaint Free Marriage Experiment

My wife and I have embarked on a 21-day complaint free marriage experiment. I was first introduced to this idea. Tim Ferriss’ blog. In fact, there is a huge movement towards a complaint free world, almost 5 million bracelets distributed worldwide. The idea is simple; go 21 days in a row without complaining. Sounds easy, right? Nope! After only 2 days, we both had already started over twice. And I consider myself to be a pretty optimistic person. I found out there is still work to be done. This whole thing was started by Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister, who recognized there was far too much complaining in the world. He proposes that word choice determines thought choice, which determines emotions and actions. If you can eliminate complaining, you will experience more happiness. Will’s designed one possible solution: wear a purple bracelet (actually anything will do, I have been using a rubber band), go 21 days in a row without complaining, gossiping, or criticizing. If you mess up, that’s ok, switch the bracelet to the other arm and start again at day 1. So what exactly is a complaint? My wife and I have already had many discussions on the subject. Here’s what we have come up with thus far. Any negative description of an event, person, or issue. Gossiping is pretty easy to define. As is criticizing. Discussing facts are ok. Here’s Eckhart Tolle’s take on the subject:

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up-if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.

Already I have noticed the effect this is having on my thinking. It is forcing me to be more aware and precise. It has also forced me to spend more time listening and thinking before speaking. Thus far, this has been a tremendous metacognitive experiment. So how does this work in marriage? We have decided to challenge each other. While complaining is specifically a personal thing, it spills over into marriage. We are also adding no marital complaints without suggestions of solutions. While we are each on the 21 day journey ourselves, we are experiencing it together. Encouraging each other, and bouncing questions off each other regarding what is or is not a complaint. This is where you come in. Why don’t you join us? All you have to lose is the complaining!