The Language of Love

Isn’t it great to be alive? Translating middle class, American jargon into plain language is a challenge. Taking a concept like ‘Love Languages’ and explaining it in a way fit for a Building site canteen is more of one. Often the fluffy language used by professionals has ordinary people, especially us fellas, cringing with embarrassment, and heading for the door. But sometimes, the message is so important, that it is well worth trying. Besides, why should posh people get all the good stuff?

We are all unique and experience the world in different ways. We need to make sure we are communicating in a way that the other person understands it. The same is true when it comes to love. Are you demonstrating your love for your partner in a way that they will hear and understand it? After over 30 years of experience an American relationship counselor, Gary Chapman, identified 5 ways that we give/receive love.

Here’s the thing - we tend to give love in the way we prefer to receive it – which may not be the same way as our partner. So all your best efforts may be in vain and they may be feeling rather unloved. Well now you can not only understand your preferred way, but your partners as well and truly enhance your relationship. The 5 love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation. These are anything from compliments, encouragement, affirmation and the absence of criticism or judgment. Does criticism crush or enrage you? Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses their gratitude for you?

2. Quality Time. This is time focused on each other, with no distractions. It includes sharing your thoughts and feelings. Or it could be quality activities, which could be anything your partner wants to do together, and you are willing to do as a act of love. So, if se wants to do something that you hate… Do it. Not because you are ‘giving in’. But because you can – as a sign of love. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you their undivided attention?

4. Gifts. These could be bought, made or found. They don’t have to cost a lot of money. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you a gift or another tangible expression of their love?

5. Acts of Service. Doing something that is important to your partner – not what you would like to do for them. Do you feel especially loved when someone pitches in to help you or helps with the housework?

6. Physical Touch. This could be anything from a glancing touch as you go past, a cuddle, a hug or a massage. Most men think this is them as it includes the bold thing - but actually for men sex is more of a physical desire not emotional. The question is, behind closed doors, do you hold hands/cuddle your partner. Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses their love through physical contact? If you do, your love language is ‘physical touch’.

Theory in Actionr
So what has this to do with you? What practical difference can it make? Well, let’s look at it in action. I had a mate (I’ll call him Alan). His marriage was collapsing around his ears, and he was in the pub, crying into his pint. He explained that his life was miserable because, no matter what he did, ‘the woman’ was never satisfied. He was working all hours to bring home the bacon. She was well able to spend, but never satisfied. He felt completely unloved and unappreciated. When I spoke to his wife, she told me he was ‘Never there for me or the kids. It’s all work, work work. He just doesn’t care about me’. She felt unappreciated and unloved. This was going downhill fast.

It was clear to me that Alan’s Love Language was ‘acts of service’, with abig splash of ‘Gifts’. If anyone made a ‘sacrifice’ for him, like the one he was making by working long hours, he would be delighted. Bringing home a big wage packet, and being able to buy nice things, was his ‘gift’ to his family. Working long (and hard) hours, for him, was an act of love. He was doing it for his family. Unfortunately, for his wife it meant something entirely different. It meant he didn’t want to be around her. It was a rejection. Plain, simple and obvious.

Her LL was ‘Quality Time’. She measured love in the amount of time Alan spent with her (or the kids). Not necessarily doing much, just being there. Every missed school nativity play was (to Alan) a minor inconvenience. To her, it was ‘proof’ that he didn’t love her, or the kids. He ‘obviously’ loved his mates in the pub more. Alan expected words of approval and gratitude from his wife for his act of service and gift. Without them, he felt rejected. She felt like telling him exactly what he could do with his expensive presents. Each ‘gift’ was guilt money – a bribe, one more rejection. You don’t have to be a genius to work out that Alan and his wife needed a serious chat with somebody who spoke both languages, and could translate.

Communicating love to your partner in their preferred love language can transform your relationship as they will feel emotionally loved and wanted. At the very least, you will have a better understanding of what makes them tick. They will automatically respond, and reflect that love back to you. Give it a go. See if you can identify your partners primary love language. A warning for some men… This will involve having a conversation with your partner – that means you have to talk to her… about feeling and emotions! But don’t panic. Once you have had the conversation there are lots of practical things to do, instead of all that scary talking. Do something to express your love to them in their Love Language – not yours - every day for 2 weeks. Watch the transformation unfold.

You can dismiss this as a load of old nonsense if you choose. If you do, the high stool awaits… but this stuff might just change your life! Thank you for listening.