The Relationship P’s

Healthy, sustainable relationships take work. It’s important to be in a constant state of awareness of your thoughts, feelings, actions and “stuff” and how these things impact you and your partner. That is the “work” in a relationship. The relationship ultimately requires a strong foundation. Without this, there can be much more struggle than happiness.

There are three P’s that each person need to have in common for a relationship to be on compatible, solid ground. Principles, Priorities, Preferences.

Principles

Each person needs to have a similar set of principles. What are your personal values? Are values such as honesty, integrity, responsibility, loyalty important to you? How do you feel about lying, upholding the laws, being a kind and considerate member of your community? Or is it all about you and your own needs? What is your relationship to money? How do you handle your money? There is no right or wrong answer.

Be aware of your values and the values of your partner. If your basic values are not in synch, the way you live your lives will be drastically different and cause struggle in the relationship. Say that you value honesty and your partner tends to be dishonest. There will be no foundation of trust here and you will be on edge and anxious all of the time

Priorities

Priorities determine where you focus your time, energy and emotions. What is important to you and to your partner? Is a committed relationship a priority to you? What about tending to your children’s needs? Perhaps your work is a top priority, more than a relationship. Get clear on your priorities and see if they are similar to your partner’s. If, for example, your relationship is more of a priority for you than for your partner, there will be challenges. Maybe both of you feel work is top priority and the relationship is secondary. In this case, things are more aligned.

If priorities are not similar, there will be unrealistic expectations of behavior and outcomes. Here’s an example: Say your relationship is your number one priority. It’s where you choose to focus a great deal of your time and energy. Your partner’s first priority is work, second is children from a previous relationship and the relationship with you is number three. Your partner won’t make as much time for you and your relationship as you would like or expect as it is lower on the list of priorities. This will likely cause frustration, disappointment and insecurity.

Preferences

Our preferences are what we want, our desires. What do you want? Is a commitment important to you? Or do you prefer dating around, seeing multiple people? Do you want to live with someone before you marry? Or are you opposed to this? Do you even want marriage? What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you enjoy participating in sports or watching them on television? Travel? Volunteering? Staying home and watching television. Where does sex fit into your preferences?

Having individual interests are very important. Yet it is necessary to have some similar preferences to stay connected to each other. Perhaps you both have different interests but yet are open to exploring new things. Spending time together is crucial to the health of a relationship.

Once again, there are no right or wrong answers. Principles usually don’t change yet priorities and preferences may change throughout one’s life and relationships. Be aware of your three P’s and be honest with each other about them. This way, each person can make decisions that are right for them in regards to the relationship. There will be less stress, pain and confusion if everyone is forthright.

How in synch are the three P’s in your relationship? Having these elements in common creates a strong foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. If you have a great deal of struggle in your relationship, chances are things are not very aligned. Allow yourself to have a relationship that is loving, sustainable and genuine. The three P’s are a good place to start!