They've Gone!

“I'm just surprised by what's happening inside me now that the kids have left home.”

My girlfriend nodded as she listened with compassion.

I went on to tell her how I had assumed I would be glad to have my new-found freedom. It's what I had been waiting for, after all.

I thought I wouldn't worry about the kids.

I thought I would be completely laid back.

I thought I would go with the flow and pick up the pieces where I left off.

I thought I would have fun and start discovering the world. After all, it's been a long time since I had proper freedom, like since the birth of my first child.

But it wasn't like that.

I obsessed about wondering if they were okay, if they were eating properly, or missing home.

To be honest, I didn't really love being alone now.

I felt extremely sentimental, raw and vulnerable.

It recently dawned on me that I never questioned how my parents felt when I left home.

They let me get on with it. It's what happens.

But now I realise that it didn't really matter to me how they felt. Life pulled me where I had to go.

There are some parts of my mother I definitely want to embody: the patience, the wisdom, the listener, someone with a relaxed sense of all is well.

There are some new things I want to bring to the table too.

What about all the questions of what I want to do with my life now? What do I really want to do? Where do I really want to be? With whom do I really want to be? What about all those lost dreams?

What about the grief and the celebration of things past in this chapter of parenting? And the gratitude!

There are definitely things I need to forgive myself for.

There is a reweaving of my life taking place now. A transition. Change.

There is much change which has been gifted to me, still to be tasted and savoured. There is much emptiness to dive into before the new chapter in my life can enfold and be indulged in.

If you're finding yourself in the same boat, read about my story in “Flown the Coop” and how I dealt with it, as well as about the stories of other parents.