Is Anger A Way Of Life For You . . . Or Someone You Know?

If someone cuts in front of you when you've been standing in line *forever,* do you get angry?

If a delivery is late, do you get angry?

If someone doesn't live up to your expectations, do you get angry?

Do you get angry, frustrated, or hurt often? Does it seem like being angry is a habit with you now?

Well, it doesn't have to be.

One way to stop it is to sit down and write a letter to yourself, and yourself only.

Now, I know this sounds so simple, it's ridiculous, but guess what. IT'S NOT SIMPLE, IT'S NOT RIDICULOUS.

This isn't just any letter. This letter works through the six layers of emotions associated with anger. I found this technique in literature written by Barbara De Angelis, Ph. D, and it has helped many of my clients. Sometimes, they thought they were coming to me for something else entirely, when in fact anger was the base of the problem. Once their anger was in control, they were able to move on.

This is a process that will help you put the anger behind you. As you use it, you will find that you are be able to control your anger quickly. You will soon be able to calm down immediately. In time, you will no longer need the letter, your mind will automatically go through the process without you having to even write it. That is the ultimate goal, but for now, write the letter, feel the change, and get on with your life.

Here is how to do that.

There are six levels involved in healing anger. They are Anger, Hurt, Fear, Regret, Intention, and Love. Each level has two feelings associated with it. For Anger, the feelings are blame and resentment. For Hurt, they are sadness and disappointment. For Fear they are insecurity and wounds. For Regret they are understanding and responsibility. For Intention, they are solutions and wishes. For Love, they are forgiveness and appreciation. We have to work through each feeling in each level until we get to the ultimate, and that is Love.
*** Sidebar*** We cannot be healed until we can love ourselves. We cannot be productive until we can love ourselves. We cannot love others until we can love ourselves. Writing a letter to ourselves, sometimes several letters, is the first step toward recovering our own self-love. *** End of sidebar ***

There must be at least one sentence per feeling in your letter, once you write that sentence, it usually leads to more, which leads to even more. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to write until you can't write another sentence for that feeling.

So, get out a pencil and paper and let's get to work.

The Anger level deals with blame and resentment.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out with this: "I blame you for ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out with this: "I resent the fact that you ______." Or "I resent you for ______" nn*** Sidebar *** The sentences don't have to start out exactly like that. These are just examples. The sentence DOES have to deal with the feeling you are working on, though. *** End of Sidebar ***

The Hurt layer deals with sadness and disappointment.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "You make me sad when you ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "You disappoint me when you ______."

The Fear layer deals with insecurity and wounds.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I feel insecure when you ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "You wound me when you ______."

Now, we've worked pass what has hurt us and we are working on toward a solution. This is a very important step. Since we are writing for ourselves, and maybe even to ourselves, this helps us come up with a solution for ourselves.

The Regret layer deals with understanding and responsibility.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I understand the situation as ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I feel responsible when ______."

The Intention layer deals with solutions and wishes.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I feel a solution might be ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I wish ______."

The Love layer deals with forgiveness and appreciation.

Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I forgive you for ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I appreciate the fact that you ______."

You are working down through the six levels of emotions, individually. You are taking care of each emotion that would have ultimately ended up in anger. By the time you are back down to love, you are more in control of your emotions. And, by the way, did you notice you are feeling much better now? More in control? In a productive state? Good!

Now, who do you think you should show this letter to? NO ONE! Right? Right! Because showing the letter defeats the purpose of the letter. I cannot say this strongly enough! You are writing the letter for YOURSELF only, no matter who you are writing it to, so that YOU can work through YOUR feelings and become a better person. Showing this letter to anyone only decreases it's value, and quite possibly HURTS the other person. Do you WANT to do that? I don't think so. That's not what we're learning in this class, students. If you did show the letter to someone, it means you aren't healed. Please, please, don't learn that way. If you don't feel 100% better, go back and rewrite the letter.

When you are finished, you will feel as though a load has been lifted from your shoulders. The anger will be gone. You have just learned that you are capable of dealing with your anger in a non-threatening way. And isn't that a great way to handle it?

Now, decide to write a letter every time you start feeling that old tension start to grow, and realize that you have now taken control of your life. Because every time you take control, you are telling your brain that you WILL succeed, and it will help you relax faster and easier every time. nn~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading,
Jan nn~~~~~~~~~

Copyright 2000, Jan Tincher, All Rights Reserved Worldwide nnn