Uncover the Holy Grail of Success

Uncover the Holy Grail of Success We have created every part of our lives based on our beliefs. Most people blame the external world for their success or failure, their wealth or poverty, their happiness or frustration. But, the truth is, we have no one to blame or credit but ourselves. The beauty of this is that while we are completely powerless to change the outside world, we have complete power to change our own beliefs. We live by our beliefs as though they are the truth. In reality, beliefs are not the truth; they are assumptions we make about the world. They are habits of thought. The Oxford Online Dictionary defines belief as, Something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion. A belief is not truth; it is a firmly held opinion. If you think a thought enough times, it becomes a belief. Some of these habitual thoughts are helpful and some extremely limiting. Think about the impact of the following two beliefs (habits of thought): “you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it” vs “some people are just born lucky.” These are two very different habits of thought and I would bet the two people who hold these beliefs experience very different realities. Beliefs are the assumptions we make about how the world works. These assumptions either move us toward what we want or hold us back keeping us stuck and frustrated. You can probably think of someone who chose to go into business or law because they believed this career would enable them to fulfill their personal goals. You may also know someone who chose business or law even though they really dreamed of being a writer or artist because they believed they would never make money as a writer or artist. Both people made the same type of career choice. However, one made it from a belief that empowered them, “this career will allow me to achieve my personal goals,” while the other from a belief that took them away from their dream, “you have to do this kind of work to make money.” Now, think about those people you know who got married young. One person fell madly in love and got married because he had found his life partner. He believed that when you find the right person you get married no matter what your age. Another person got married young because he “knew” (read “believed”) that all responsible people get out of school, get a job, get married and start a family. The same action, get married young, but done based on two very different beliefs. So, if you believe that success requires hard work and sacrifice, you’re right. If you believe success is a matter of being in the right place at the right time, you’re right. If you believe success requires a smart plan and the right contacts, you’re right about that too. These are all beliefs and based on which of these beliefs you hold, you will act accordingly. I have a client who identified through our work that he was holding a belief that success required a lot of hard work and sacrifice. In the same conversation that he identified this belief, he also told me about someone who held the same position who worked a fraction of the time. The irony was the other person was achieving more success (this was clear based on measurable results). It wasn’t true that success required a lot of hard work and sacrifice - - it was an assumption about how the world works. Recognizing this was a belief and not the truth was the first step to changing it and getting different results. As we continued, he would say, “I don’t know why my results aren’t better, I couldn’t work any more than I do.” His belief that success depends upon long hours and sacrifice was held so deeply that it was difficult for him to see other possibilities. My client is not unique. We live and operate with beliefs for so long that they become ingrained; we accept them as truth. Your beliefs are habits of thought that can be compared to the grooves that would form if you drove your car in the same muddy spot over and over again. Shifting beliefs is like pushing the car out and then driving down a new path. A simple two-step formula for uncovering limiting beliefs is: recognize – decide –– recognize – decide. Step one of the formula is to recognize you have an assumption about how the world works (a belief) that isn’t working for you. There are two very concrete ways to do this. Listen to your stories - Start listening to what you are saying to yourself and to other people. By tuning into what you are saying aloud or silently you will hear all kinds of clues about what you believe. A story that I hear a lot right now is that it’s really hard or “impossible” to get a job. It is fact that our economy is in a worse position than it has been at any time since the Great Depression. It is not fact, however, that it is impossible to get a job. The facts are the facts but the rest are our assumptions about how the world works. Two people living in the same current reality can have two very different stories. The first, “The economy is horrible. It’s impossible to find a job.” The second, “The economy is horrible. But, there are people finding jobs and I know that with a plan and persistence I’ll be one of those people.” Listen to your stories. What have you accepted as truth? Pay attention to your feelings – Most people I know define feelings like anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness as “negative.” In the United States, there seems to be a strong cultural desire to get over these “negative” feelings; move on and don’t dwell on it. While I agree that to hang out in these feelings is counter-productive, I have found that it is really valuable to tune into these “negative” feelings and use them productively before moving past them. Beliefs drive actions and actions drive results. Once we get a result, we always have a feeling about the results we achieve. When the result is not what we expected we typically have an unpleasant feeling. At that moment we have a choice: get over it and keep operating from the same unconscious belief, or mine the feeling for information. When you notice an unpleasant feeling ask these questions: What am I feeling? What is the result I got? What are the actions I took that got me this result? What are the assumptions I made about “how the world works” or how I was “supposed “ to do things that led me to act this way? Step two of the formula is to decide to make a new assumption about how the world works. Once you find a limiting belief, ask yourself these two questions: What is the result I want to create? What are the new assumptions I need to make about how the world works? My recent experience with my son is a simple example of one cycle of the recognize-decide formula. My son was six months old and not sleeping. I was getting more and more anxious about his health and mine. After a few weeks I realized how anxious and frustrated I felt. Once I recognized this “negative” feeling I started mining for beliefs. What assumptions was I making? First, I had been telling myself that he was too little to sleep well at night. I was also telling myself that a previous minor illness was still causing nap disruption. Finally, I was telling myself I just couldn’t get it figured out. For weeks I had been accepting all of those assumptions as truth. They weren’t truth they were beliefs. I had a decision to make. Was I going to stay in those same limiting beliefs or was I willing to test out some new habits of thought? I was ready for some new results. So, I asked myself, “What is the outcome I want?” I wanted my son to sleep better. Next question, “What are the habits of thought that will support this?” My new beliefs: I can get this figured out and my son is healthy and old enough to sleep well. With these new beliefs I felt empowered and started taking different actions. Within two weeks I had a baby who was sleeping much better! This practice of recognizing limiting beliefs and choosing new habits of thought is unbelievably empowering. It will literally put you back in the drivers’ seat of your life. But, there is rarely earth-shattering change. Change happens slowly over time and it’s our job to keep pushing the car until it is out of the groove and headed firmly down a new path.