Understanding Discipline

I believe that our parenting model comes from God, who carries the bulk of the work for us as parents. God's love for us drew us into relationship with him, and I contend that this loving relationship then influenced us into obedience to Him. We work toward and remain in obedience because we do not want to lose relationship with God. Even when we are not obedient that relationship is still there for us. God never withdraws his love. This is how God teaches us to have and be in relationship through mind, body, and spirit regulation.

All parents expect obedience from the children. All too often it is demanded. And all too often it comes from fear, not love. As human parents I believe we get it backwards. We insist on obedience first, relationship after. Wouldn't it make more sense for us to connect in love and relationship with our children first, and when that happens, we then become a strong influence for them to be obedient. When we remain in a consistent, loving relationship, children will be obedient.

I would ask you to be very honest with yourself and look at how many times you slip out of obedience with God during each day. God affords us mercy and grace in all situations. He does not use fear to get us back into obedience.

When a child is not obedient it can immediately trigger the parents’ fear. I’m sure the fears are endless. How will he make it through school? How will she hold the job? How will he stay out of jail? Parents’ fear of the future can take them out of a loving relationship with their child in the present. When fears take parents out of relationship, they lose their ability to influence a child.

By definition, discipline means to teach, training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character, i.e., to develop internal controls. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:16. Train means to form by instruction, to teach so as to make fit, qualified, or proficient.

Parents teach internal controls to their children through emotional regulation and safety. Isn’t that what God does for us? When we’re stressed He is there for us. The Holy Spirit helps us become regulated. We can then hear from God, learn and make responsible decisions. God doesn’t put us in time out until we get regulated. He keeps us in relationship so He can help us become regulated and then learn (i.e., be disciplined or trained).

Applying this model to ourselves may take a significant paradigm shift for most parents. Our parenting journey is difficult and is never-ending. Do your best, accept God’s grace and mercy when you fail. Be sure to pass that mercy and grace on to your child when he or she fails.