Valentine’s Day Advice: Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind Might Sabotage Your Relationships

A close relationship is something we all desire: to feel we are “one” with our partner; that we know each other as well as knowing ourselves; that we can communicate without words, like with a telepathic connection. But if we expect this to be the rule – rather than the exception - we might harm our relationships. In this sense Valentine’s Day – as much as it connotes love – might be a “dangerous” and “risky” day for lovers who expect too much.

EXPECTING YOUR PARTNER TO READ YOUR MIND IS HARMFUL TO THE RELATIONSHIP

Valentine’s Day is approaching. A day (and night…), which can be filled with love, tender care, and surprises…

But suppose that you expect your partner to prepare a romantic dinner. With candles, incense, flowers and wine. But time passes, Valentine’s Day is almost knocking at the door, and your partner doesn’t even hint at this direction. You feel disappointed, bitter, frustrated and sad.

The problem is not that your partner doesn’t know how to prepare a romantic dinner (well, maybe he/she doesn’t). The real problem is that you believe that just because Valentine’s Day is approaching he/she is supposed to know what you want and to behave accordingly.

But why do you assume that your partner knows what you want if you haven’t shared it with him/her?

The expectation that your partner will be able to read your mind and know what you want and feel is very romantic:

* It makes you feel good about your bond;
* It makes you believe that there is a telepathic connection between you;
* It fills you with pride that you can communicate with each other without words.

ASSUMING THAT YOUR PARTNER CAN READ YOUR MIND IS A FANTASY

The assumption that your partner can read your mind is a fantasy. Indeed it’s true that once you’ve known each other for a while and learned each other’s habits and desires, it’s easier to know what the other wants at a given moment.

EACH RELATIONSHIP IS A COMBINATION OF TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Even though you may love each other very much, and may have an amazing relationship, you’re still different from one another:

* You have been brought up in different homes;
* You’ve unconsciously internalized different messages from the homes you grew up in about celebrating birthdays, holidays, and Valentine’s Day;
* You’ve had different social and cultural experiences which influence the way you think about give & take, especially during birthdays, holidays, and Valentine’s Day.

Consequently, your and your partner’s expectations do not always match. There is no reason for you to expect that your partner will be able to guess what you want if you haven't openly expressed it. And this holds true from “small” things, such as preparing dinner; bringing flowers from time to time; buying you chocolate every so often, to “bigger” things, such as inviting you for a cruise in the Caribbean.

EXPECTATIONS NEED TO BE SHARED, CLARIFIED AND TALKED ABOUT

Even in the closest relationship, your expectations and those of your partner need to be discussed and shared. The more you know what the other expects – and you feel comfortable with it - the more you can accommodate to each other and together build a satisfying bond.