Investigating the False Intimacy of Online Dating

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n Investigating n the False Intimacy of Online Dating n Is n online dating really what we think it is? n

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Everything moves so fast in today’s n world, and dating is no exception. Online dating in particular sends n a “fasten your seatbelts, folks!” message to anyone n caught in the whirlwind of soul mate searching in the 21^st n century. Are men and women seriously finding soul mates, or simply peddling n themselves shamelessly in what has become the most effective distribution n system for finding love imaginable?

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Online daters construct ads that are aggressive, n clever, self-actualized, and crafty… but what impact does all this top-notch n marketing have on the human interactions that will result? Now that n you have offered your goods so effectively before meeting, can there n be any room for the real, flawed, fragile human behind the ad?

n Are we creating reality or pure n fantasy? By the time prospective daters are ready to meet, n they not only know name, age, hometown, but also favorite color, foods n and sexual positions. We are essentially creating a marketing blitz followed n by frisky, flirtatious instant messaging, emails, past midnight phone n conversations and phone sex. Is it possible not to be disappointed n with the real thing? n

John Gray’s book Mars and Venus n on a Date cautions that the alchemy of creating a loving relationship n is a very delicate balance and must be undertaken gradually and in stages. n There are five distinct dating stages, and moving through these stages n in sequence ensures that we get the opportunity to fully know someone n and experience the best of that person before getting married.

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The best approach to online dating is n to spend just enough time online to do some screening, then meet in n person. Consider online dating as if you were meeting and greeting in n Stage One (Attraction). The online daters we have talked to who end n up meeting their soul mate are the ones who have used this method exclusively n and effectively. These men and women do a lot of window shopping. If n there is no spark on the first date, they do not go out again with that n person; instead, they move on to another online hopeful.

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Without meeting in person, online daters n who are quick to fall in love can fall in love in stage one and feel n ready to fly off to Vegas to get married within a few weeks. Skipping n from Stage One to Stage Four (Intimacy) or Five (Engagement) is problematic n for real-time daters. Imagine for online daters that this is somewhat n akin to reading a book and loving it but then seeing the movie and being n disappointed.

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Meeting sooner rather than later n in this dating round-robin is the only way to avoid certain disappointment n and make a qualified decision about pursuing a potential partner. The n appropriate response for anyone who falls in love in Stage One is to n stay in Stage One and restrain yourself from reacting and responding n to your partner in a manner that would be automatic in Stage Five.

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The beauty of email and instant n messaging is that we have no annoying little habits. The danger n of email and instant messaging for online daters is that we have no n annoying little habits! We can flirt and be clever and charming beyond n belief, and in the end only be giving ourselves a false sense of security n that a relationship will actually work out. All relationships must pass n the test of time. By slowly and cautiously navigating the five stages n of dating – in person – we can minimize the illusions perpetuated by n online dating expectations.

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Trying to understand the opposite sex n can be a huge challenge. At times it really does feel like he's from n Mars, and she's from Venus. But dating in this technological age has n become much more complicated than it used to be. Many of the Ask n Mars Venus Coaches have wondered whether we are better off in relationships n now that we can date via our computers instead of face to face? We talk n to clients every day who share stories of meeting their partner while n surfing the web in their pajamas! The convenience of online dating means n that we don't even need deodorant or to shave to appeal to those looking. n Is that a good thing?

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We're really not sure, but what we do n know is that many people develop deep and intimate relationships with n strangers... and then have the expectation that they are in a genuine n "relationship." Even online meetings still have to navigate n the 5 stages of dating, and the first stage is attraction, not IM'ing. n Now, of course, many people find love online, but it requires a level n head and a lot of surfing... and a bit of luck. The trick here is to n learn how to figure out who on the web is "for-real" and who n is not really who they say they are. That's what we do. Mars n Venus Coaches can help you to decipher your date's profile, and n their intentions.

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Good relationships require similar values and plans. Are you both really n ready for the same thing? How well has your date healed from their past n relationships, and are they really who they say they are? We can help n you figure this out, and most importantly work with you to be sure that n you are attracting "like-minded" people to your life. Ultimately, n the hope is to attract someone who is looking for the same thing you n are, regardless what that is. The last thing you want to do is meet n the perfect someone who would be great for you in a few years!

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If you have ever thought that you were n wasting your time surfing the web for love, chances are you have. But n the waste may have been that you didn't know how to screen potential n dates for their intentions well enough, and you ended up dating the n wrong people. Give us a try, and in a few minutes we can begin to set n you on the path to finding your match. To n learn more about Mars Venus coaching click here.

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