Visions and Values

In our culture, there are certain messages that are repeated over and over again. Some of these messages are helpful; others are, in my opinion, traps. In my work as a therapist, I'm realizing how pervasive one message is — and how it creates distress in many people's lives. On the surface, this is a very beautiful message. It is highly valued within American culture. It is woven into our psychology, relationships, and cultural stories. And yet, I find that this message creates a vast amount of problems. Relationships are broken because of this message. Patterns of depression, anxiety, and anger stay in place because of this message. People end up alone and imprisoned over this message. Here is the message: Your feelings will never lie to you. Even if you can't trust anyone or anything else, you can always trust your feelings. They are the one thing that will never mislead you. Honor them above all else. Now, before I discuss why this message is a trap, I want to jump ahead a bit and say that feelings can be an excellent guide — if they are coming from the "wise mind" and loving heart. I will get to this idea later in the article. For now, let me point out that many people follow their feelings in a way that keeps them trapped. For example, in my experience: Most people who experience chronic depression do an excellent job of following their feelings. Their feelings tell these people that they are failures, that their lives are hopeless, and that it's pointless to make changes. And these people follow their depressed feelings diligently. Most people who experience long-term patterns of anxiety are very good at trusting their feelings. Their feelings tell these people that they are in danger, that they have to avoid certain things, and that they are vulnerable. And these people trust their anxious feelings implicitly. Most people who experience chronic anger are highly skilled at honoring their feelings. Their feelings tell these people that someone needs to be "put in his place," that it would be awful to pass up the opportunity to "settle things," and that attacking back is the "right thing to do." And these people honor their angry feelings completely. One of the great developments in the field of psychotherapy — a development that has informed new forms of therapy such as ACT and DBT — is this realization:

If you act on your old feelings, the old feeling patterns will grow stronger. But if you instead turn your actions in a new direction, new feelings will arise.

rnThis is a nearly complete-reversal of the traditional message that all of our feelings should be trusted. Here's how I share that same message with my clients. I say:

Don't keep following your feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression. Instead, follow your visions and values... ...and let your feelings follow you.

Again, this is a reversal of traditional approaches that encourage people to uncover and follow whatever feelings are present. Ultimately, some of these old approaches stem from a Freudian theory that repressed emotion is the source of our distress. I am not a Freudian. And I can report that I have many clients who are extremely "unrepressed" and respectful of their emotions — and these folks stay trapped in patterns for years because they continue to act on their old emotions. My clients are often surprised by the idea that they don't have to act on their feelings. As they choose a new direction to move in — and commit to moving in that direction regardless of their current feelings — they begin to experience shifts in the old patterns. They move in a new life direction, and new feelings begin to follow them. Emotional Richness Now, when I share this follow-your-visions-instead-of-your-current-feelings approach with people, some become very upset. They think that I'm advocating a coldly logical approach to life. Not at all. I am, personally speaking, highly emotional. In fact (as my friends will tell you!) my emotional intensity often hovers between "extreme" and "overwhelming." One of the primary reasons that I began working with A Course in Miracles, and then later became a therapist, is that I was aware of how intense emotions can be. For most of my life, I remained stuck in emotional patterns for months at a time because I believed that I had to follow my current feelings. If I felt anxious, I avoided the things that I was anxious about. If I felt angry, I attacked the things I felt angry toward. If I felt depressed, I gave up and acted powerless — just as my feelings directed. Now I still have the same intense emotions. But I realize that I don't have to act on all of my feelings. I can let them come and go — while acting, as much as possible, in a way that honors my visions and values. I now try to follow my visions, and let my emotions follow me. This is a core principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a new development in the cognitive-behavioral tradition. In the ACT approach, we identify our values, and "act" on them while allowing feelings to come and go. Mindful awareness of our feelings is coupled with forward motion. Similarly, Dialectical Behavioral therapists often coach their clients to act "opposite" their feelings. Tired of feeling angry? Try to do some small nice thing for the person you're angry toward. Tired of feeling depressed? Get active, even though you don't feel like it. Tired of feeling anxious about something? Approach that thing in a gentle way, instead of avoiding it. The goal of this new approach isn't to become coldly logical and unemotional. The goal is to move our lives in the direction that we consider helpful, even if our emotions are currently pulling us in another direction. As we move in the new direction, our emotions — just as rich and intense as they were before — can follow. Inspired Feelings Now, let me balance my stance on the idea of following feelings. Our feelings can, as I mentioned earlier, be excellent spiritual guides — if they are inspired by the peaceful, spiritually-infused part of the mind. A Course in Miracles has an interesting quote that I'd like to share. The Course says:

"How can you know whether you chose the stairs to Heaven or the way to hell? Quite easily. How do you feel? Is peace in your awareness?"

I used to read this quote as saying that our feelings in general could be used as a spiritual guide — that we could follow all of our feelings, including our fear, anger, depression, and the rest. But now I read this differently. As I read it now, the Course is saying that we can use peace as a guide — along with all the other peaceful, loving, inspired feelings that come from what it calls "right-mindedness." Peace-filled feelings are excellent guides. When we are filled with feelings of warmth, benevolence, magnanimity, kindness, and security, we are on an excellent track. Our feelings can in those cases be wonderful spiritual barometers. As we act on those feelings, the feeling patterns become stronger. But in order to act on peace, love, and benevolence, we need to stop acting on fear, insecurity, and avoidance. If we act on all of our feelings, we'll simply roller-coaster and bumper-car around from one state to another. Fear for a while; love in another case. Then back to fear again. It's important to set a clear forward direction, even if our feelings want to pull us elsewhere. There is an interesting story that I once heard about Bill Thetford, who helped with the writing of A Course in Miracles. Bill was a psychology professor at Columbia University, and had a long-running feud with a fellow professor. Apparently, they had not shared a kind word in years. One day Bill received the inner guidance to walk into the other professor's office, and try to strike up a conversation with him — even though neither Bill nor the other professor felt like it. Bill dutifully followed the guidance, and walked into the man's office. He sat down in chair and began to talk to the other professor. Without saying a word, the man lifted up his newspaper to block out Bill's face. He refused to have the conversation. However, Bill returned the next day, at which time the man put the newspaper up again. This went on for days. But gradually the newspaper came down and the two began to talk. In time they worked out their old feud. Shortly thereafter, the man ended up introducing Bill to the writings of a spiritual practitioner — which ended up giving Helen and Bill an important "boost" in continuing their work with the Course. The point is that Bill and the man healed their relationship because they stopped acting on their old feelings. They moved in a new direction, regardless of their feelings of resistance. New feelings then followed — along with the development of a "holy relationship" which helped to bring forth the Course. This insight is the basis of a great deal of therapeutic progress today. We can acknowledge our feelings — we can give them room. But instead of following them, we can choose to follow our visions, values, and benevolent inner guidance. New feelings will then begin to follow us. ~ In conclusion, let me share a couple of questions that I often receive when I present these concepts. Q: I try to resist my feelings and act different, just as you described. But doing that only makes me feel conflicted and more upset. What am I doing wrong?

A: I want to be clear that it's essential to not resist or fight our feelings. If we fight our feelings, we'll just add more stress to the system — creating additional feelings of conflict. Instead, in the approach that I described, we calmly acknowledge our feelings, allow them to be, and then choose to move in the direction of our values and visions — regardless of whether our current feelings are pulling us in that direction. We don't fight the feelings; we create space for them, and then act in a way that feels healthy. New feelings can then follow us. Again, there is no need to fight, resist, or judge the old feelings. They are just feelings. They are fluid and malleable, and will shift to follow us.

Q: You say that if you act opposite your feelings, your feelings will change. But when I approach things that I'm afraid of, my anxiety gets stronger. How do you explain this?

A: It's true that there will often be a "spike" in the feelings when we act opposite them. Avoidance, for example, does temporarily quell anxiety — and approaching the things we're afraid of can ramp up the anxiety. This is why avoidance becomes a habit. Like a drug, it does temporarily give us relief. However, it ends up strengthening the overall emotional pattern. When we act according to our values and visions — even if it means acting opposite our current emotions — we're strengthening a new pattern. This may, in the short term, increase the distressing feelings. However, as we gently turn our actions in a new direction, we begin to establish a new pathway. Our feelings can then begin to alter to follow this new direction. This process does take some courage and "distress tolerance." Holding the new direction is not always easy. But as we act in line with our visions and values, the path will gradually begin to feel more comfortable.

This article originally appeared in Dan's free Quiet Mind newsletter.