WHO'S GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS? IS IT YOU . . . OR YOUR INNER BRAT?

WHO'S GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS? IS IT YOU . . . OR YOUR
INNER BRAT?

By Pauline Wallin, Ph.D Author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A
Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior"

Word count: 890

Copyright Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. 2003. All rights reserved

When you go home for the holidays this year, leave your ninner brat behind. The inner brat -- that part of your npersonality that's still a two-year-old -- is responsible nfor much of the conflict that we see at family gatherings, nespecially at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's your inner nbrat that makes a big deal out of simple (but annoying) nquestions that your mother asks over and over. It's your ninner brat that feels so wounded because your sister nneglected to thank you for the pictures you sent her. It's nyour inner brat that urges you to have 3 desserts when you ndon't even have room for one.

No matter how old you are, or how professional and nsophisticated you may appear to others, when you go home you noften regress into a petulant or oppositional child. You may nnever behave this way except when you are with family.

This is because situational cues (i.e., the presence of the npeople you grew up with) evoke certain feelings and nresponses from you. These responses originated in your nchildhood, and were repeated over the years. Now, when you nwalk through the door to your family's home, these same nresponses are triggered again.

Situational cues have even more of a hold on you when the nfamily home that you now visit was the one you grew up in.
Not only do you react to the words and behaviors of the npeople, but you also react to the surroundings: familiar nsmells, the creak on the steps, the food in the cupboards, netc. When you encounter these familiar cues, you react in nold familiar ways -- some of which may be quite immature. In nother words, these cues can trigger your inner brat.

Everyone has an inner brat, left over from early childhood.
It's the part of us that feels entitled to have what it nwants when it wants it (just like an infant does.) It also nhas very little tolerance for frustration, and when things ngo wrong it blames the situation or other people. Since the ninner brat is the immature part of ourselves that is nassociated with early childhood, and since current family nencounters evoke childhood memories and behaviors, then it nfollows that current family encounters will also trigger our ninner brat.

Old sibling rivalries, unresolved feelings of anger or nresentment toward parents, and buried insecurities are all ncloser to the surface when you're back in the family home.
Thus, you're not only reacting to family members in the npresent, but you're also reacting to past tensions. And your ninner brat makes things worse.

You'll know that your inner brat has taken over when you nstart getting angry at the slightest provocation, or when nyou complain about things not being fair. You'll also nrecognize its presence when you eat, drink or smoke more nthan you you know is good for you.

For example, when your mother asks, "Why haven't you called nyour grandmother?" your inner brat might snap back, "Why are nyou always picking on me?! Why don't you ever ask my brother nwhy he doesn't call Grandma?" Or, when you've resolved to ncontrol your drinking over the holidays, you end up downing na quart of spiked egg nog, with your inner brat in the nbackground rationalizing that it's OK because the alcohol is ndiluted.

If you want to stay calm and have more fun with your family nthis holiday season, keep your inner brat under control.
Here are some tips:

1. Check your expectations: If you begin grumbling to nyourself about various family members weeks before the nget-together, you're giving your inner brat a head start. By nthe time the event actually happens, you will be full of old nresentments and anxieties. On the other hand, if you tell nyourself that you are voluntarily attending this event, and nthat it may not be perfect but at least it's time-limited, nyou will be more relaxed.

2. Prior to visiting your family, practice some simple nrelaxation skills such as slow, deep breathing or pleasant nvisualization. If you find yourself getting tense at the nevent, take a short time-out to relax and get yourself ncentered again.

3. When family members act idiotic, mean or critical toward nyou, remind yourself that such behavior reveals more about nthem than about you. The very behavior that irks you is nprobably coming from their inner brats.

4. Mentally detach yourself from conflict. Imagine that this nis a movie of your family and that you are watching it on a nbig screen. This will keep your inner brat out of the nconflict.

5. Use humorous exaggeration. For example, say to yourself,
"This moment is the absolute worst thing that ever happened nto anybody." By noting the absurdity of your statement, nyou'll see things in a more realistic perspective.

6. Don't give into your inner brat's demands for more food nor alcohol. Just because it wants it doesn't mean it MUST nhave it. Remember, you're in charge, not your inner brat. nn© 2003 Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.