Wearing a Mask of “A Loving Person” Sabotages Your Relationships

INTRODUCTION

When you are “there” 100% for your partner – are you there because this is “who you really are”, or this is a mask you hope will get you love, appreciation and attention? Knowing the difference between the two is important for your relationship.

DO YOU WEAR A MASK - NOT ONLY ON HALLOWEEN?

There are many who wear masks on Halloween. And there are many who wear masks all year round – without even knowing that they do.

Do you know yourself well enough to decide if and when you wear a mask? For example, do you perceive yourself as a person who’s “there” for your partners, in water and fire? When your partner comes home from work; when in a bad mood; when he/she “needs” you? Are you someone who, even after making plans, you always cancel everything to be there for your partner? Someone who justifies this behavior by stating that, after all, that’s the reason for a relationship, to be there for one another?

Seeing yourself as a person who’s always there for your partner is great. This is a nice trait to be proud of. But have you ever been “fed up” by being the one who always gives? Who always compromises? Always accommodates? And if so, what made you continue “being there” 100% for your parent?

ARE YOU “A LOVING PERSON”, OR IS IT A MASK YOU WEAR?

You may perceive yourself as a loving and caring person, and behave accordingly. And this is wonderful. What you might not be aware of is the fact that you might behave so not due to your love for your partner, but in order to get love back; out of fear of being rejected and neglected. So you wear a mask of a “loving person” who’s there for others – without even knowing that you do!

“Being there for others” is only one example of many masks people wear. Other masks might be: the care-taker; the submissive; the joker; the know-it-all person; the spender. All these masks are meant to “reward” their wearer.

WHEN AND HOW DID YOU LEARN TO WEAR MASKS?

As a child, you might have learned, unconsciously, that the way to obtain love and recognition from your parents, family members and friends was to be there for them: to be what they wanted you to be, what they needed. You may also have seen your mother behaving that way with your father and others.

This behavioral pattern, of being there for others, “controls” you with your partners. It is the image of the “good person” that you adopted back in childhood which you carry with you into adult life. This is the mask that helps you obtain love.
For that reason, despite the fact that you don’t receive the love and attention you want from your partner(s), you can’t change the image you adopted for yourself, and continue to be there for them (hoping that, eventually, they’ll learn to appreciate you and give you love back).

MASKS SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

As long as you wear this mask, you won’t be able to develop a relationship of mutual give and take. The more you are “there” for your partner, the more you might feel angry and disappointed for not receiving love back, annoyed for not being appreciated for what you “do” and “give”. As long as you are not aware of the mask you wear, you will continue harming your relationships.