What happens when 'Mr Perfect' isn't always (perfect)

"Our child is 'Mr Perfect' so whatever goes wrong makes him angry. Before he was just screaming, now he is shouting "Don't take it, it's mine; I won it, you lost; I was first." rnHe wants to be the best and most of the time when others create competitions such as who will be first by the door or who will jump further, he gets frustrated when he loses. Then he shouts that he won, not the other child, he cries and we don't know why he is taking it so seriously. rnHe's just learned how to ride a bike but he is not as fast as other children his age, so he was getting really upset. When others were just passing him he was shouting that he is faster and they are slow, that he will throw away their bikes into the bin." rnWhen I consult on situations like this, it flags up a number of things for me and I want to share these with you to help you begin to see WHY this behaviour is coming about so that we can begin to figure out how to help: rnSelf- awareness is a deficit of autism that many struggle with and this can be improved. But as you may be aware: solve one issue and another arises. When a child’s self awareness improves it can mean that they start to see differences between themselves and peers and begin to notice that their abilities differ also. The repercussions of this means that it can shake their competence levels and make them more competitive in certain situations. rnEssentially this comes down to feelings of incompetence; if we feel good at something then we want to do more of it. Let’s face it, no one likes to feel like they are not good at something and this applies to children too, if not more so. rnIf we are feeling incompetent at something we want to make ourselves feel better. There are various ways to go about this: • This particular child has chosen to use his language to put others in their place that he is first / better / winning / winner etc. This will help to affirm to himself that he is competent. • Sometimes you will find children ‘give up’ on trying to achieve something if they have come to the decision that they will never be any good at it, they avoid trying, avoid the activity altogether. • Some children will create resistance around the activity so that it becomes difficult to engage them in the interaction and that eventually leads parents or guides to give up because they don’t know how to handle it. • Some children will create their own static situations as a replacement for any activity or interaction they don’t feel competent in. • Some children will make it an obsession of theirs to become an expert at it and will not leave the activity alone until it is mastered. rnWhat can we do to help in these situations? rnI find that having the groundwork in place makes a huge difference to how this is approached. You must come to understand that something like this has developed over a period of time and it will take many, often hundreds or more, interactions to help change this by learning through experiences. • Develop competence - always have this in mind, you always want to be developing your child’s competence in whatever it is they are doing. You can do this by guiding them and scaffolding to support them. • Discuss differences – help your child to understand that everybody is different; everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Discuss yours and help them identify theirs. • Spotlight process not product – when the true focus of interactions are on the process rather than the end product, being a winner or the best gets put aside; it is not as important as participating and enjoying the time spent together. • Reassurance – give your child reassurance that where they are at is just perfect for them, that they are learning at a great speed and some things take time and practice. Tell your child that they are doing really well, give useful feedback. Praise the effort not the result.