What to do When the Fear of Change Withholds You from Changing an Unsatisfying Relationship

INTRODUCTION

Whether single or in an unsatisfying relationship, you might be afraid to change your situation. You might want to do so; you might tell yourself you are “about to doing so”; you might wait for “the right moment” to making a change in your life. But time goes by and you find yourself not daring moving forward. The Fear of Change paralyzes you.
THE FEAR OF CHANGE

I’ve recently heard the following comment:

“I am trying so hard to have a relationship but am not successful. I know that I tend to sacrifice myself “on the altar of a relationship”. I know that I always make compromises and accommodate my partner. I know that this has worked against me; that partners have taken advantage of me, but I am afraid to change. This is who I am. If I’ll change I’ll lose parts of myself and I won’t be as attracted to others as I am now. I am afraid that nobody will then want me.”

Such a comment – which I often hear on different versions - implies:

“I know I shoot myself in the foot in relationships; I know I must change – but I am afraid. Who will I then be? People will not be attracted to my nice qualities as they are now if I change.”

WHEN YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION BUT ARE AFRAID TO!

Whether single or in an unsatisfying relationship, have you ever found yourself in a similar situation, one that you didn’t like, wanted to change, but were afraid to? For example:

* You wished to develop a relationship.
* You wanted to improve a relationship you had.
* You wanted to end a relationship.

On such occasions, you might have told yourself you were “about to making a change”; you might have waited for “the right moment”. But time went by and you found yourself not daring to move forward. THE FEAR OF CHANGED paralyzed you and withheld you from even attempting to change the situation you were in.

The following two examples might ring a bell with you:

HOLLY (Example 1)

Holly reached a critical point. She felt that her relationship with Charles was unsatisfying, unpleasant and wasn’t adding anything to her life.

She wanted to leave him, but didn’t have the inner strength to do so. Deep down inside, she hoped that Charles will find someone else and leave her. At times she even hoped that he will have a fatal accident and she would be free of him once and for all.

Explanation:

Holly is dissatisfied, feels oppressed and begins to hate Charles. Nevertheless, none of these feelings drive her to initiate a separation. Something inside her, which she can’t identify, is preventing her from changing the situation. That “something” is a huge, paralyzing fear of change.

PAUL (Example 2)

Raul feels unsatisfied after two years with Adrienne. The exciting romance they had at the beginning has turned into routine. Although they continue meeting every weekend, he doesn't enjoy their time together. Yet, he can't bring himself to end the relationship.

Explanation:

Raul is aware that he can't improve his relationship with Adrienne, but the fear of change is so distressing that he prefers to stay with her instead of initiating a separation.

THE FEAR OF CHANGE MIGHT WITHHOLD YOU FROM ALTERING AN UNSATISFYING SITUAION

If you, just like for Holly and Raul, are paralyzed by the fear of change and don’t have the courage to modify the situation, you might tend to wait until something or someone forces you to go through a change:

* Your partner abuses you (yet, the fear of change coupled with the fear of being alone is so vast, that abuse might still not make you leave…).

* Your partner is the one who leaves.

* You are being offered a really tempting job far away and are “forced” to separate.

WHY DOES THE FEAR OF CHANGE EXERT SO MUCH POWER OVER YOU?

The Fear of Change often intermingles with other fears which accentuate it even further. The most prominent among these are:

* The fear of letting go, of giving up the known and familiar.

* The fear of being alone.

* The fear of pain.

* The fear of the reactions of those around you.

Any one of these fears (or a combination of several) might exert power over you and drive you to be frightened by the mere prospect of change:

* When you have a relationship that isn’t satisfying, you might be afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and other people’s reactions.

* When single, you might hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.

THE POWER OF SELF-AWARENESS

When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.