Why Long Distance Relationships Don’t Work

“It’s just got to work out. Fate intended us to be together! Otherwise, why would two people from opposite sides of the country literally bump into each other at a conference and fall so deeply in love?” Sue was working hard at convincing herself that her relationship with Max was “it’ - ‘life’s ONE true love”. Sue needed to convince herself because she was facing a very real dilemma in answering the questions about the drastic life-changes that were needing to be made if the relationship was to grow. For instance “Who should move? When? What about their career? Family? Friends? House? And the scariest question of all - What if it doesn’t work out?’

Desperately wanting the relationship to work, she’d decided to come for counseling to figure out how best to be realistic about her future. She realized there was just too much at stake. After all, she’d only actually spent four weeks with Max out of six months, and that time was mostly on holiday and a lot of that was “in lust”, in bed. Did they really know each other? Could they live together twenty-four hours a day in a normal routine?

Well what are the chances of a long distance love affair having a happy and successful outcome? The reality is that you are facing some formidable obstacles. A major obstacle is economical. If you keep apart it’s going to cost a lot.

For instance, Max had spent so much money on lengthy phone calls from Perth to Sydney in the early heady days of lust, that he came up with an offer too good for Sue to refuse - he paid for her to meet him in Bali for a ten day all expenses paid holiday together. He figured it was far more rewarding to spend his hard-earned money on a tangible, kissing and making love event than the “phone sex” which cost a fortune and left him feeling flat and frustrated.

Great short-term idea for Max, but what next after the Bali extravaganza? Well by now Sue was obligated, wasn’t she, to fly over to Perth and sneak some sick leave from work in order to show Max that she was serious about the relationship and not just a demanding user. Now reality started to hit. Sue met Max’s two kids (one was delightful, the other...don’t ask) and got to experience the ex-wife’s venomous nature first hand in a typical upset where “the new woman meets the man’s family” and the ex-wife causes a scene.

Sue couldn’t wait to get back to Sydney and to her normal single life where she felt in control. It was great the next weekend when Max came to visit and again they could share that special “couples-bonding” time alone - but Max had to face the facts. “Safe-sex” (safe in terms of escaping the dramas away from his kids, the toxic ex-wife and the pressures of a failing business) was costing him a fortune.

What should happen next? If Max moved to Sydney he would be effectively abandoning his kids, be penniless and face an entirely new career change. (His Perth business was going under since he’d been preoccupied with pursuing Sue.) Would it be fairer, then, if Sue moved to Perth? Well, maybe, because she didn’t have any depen¬dents, but she’d certainly never be able to get that fabulous job in Perth and she’d never be able to get her flat again (she’d waited for six months to secure her flat, which was right on the beach in one of the most desirable suburbs in Sydney).

Can you guess what did happen to our long-dis¬tance lovers? Well, the relationship staggered on for a few more months but in the end, Sue called it off. Things just got too hard and she’d decided she needed to move on.

It’s sad when logistics destroy a love affair, but the reality is that practicalities are always going to challenge the longevity of a long-distance love.