Why You Should Forgive After an Affair

I often get asked why should I forgive after an affair? In this article I examine why forgiveness essential for the betrayed person to heal whether or not he or she decides to stay in the relationship. Affairs are so painful for the betrayed person. As I said in last week’s blog on After Infidelity: How to Deal with Flashbacks and other Stress Reactions, the moment of discovery can lead to shock, disorientation, emotional numbing, panic and anxiety. It is up to this person to make the decision if he or she is willing to stay in the relationship and being able to forgive after an affair is essential to the success of the relationship. I often encourage the betrayed person to look at the infidelity as a symptom and by looking at it that way; there are things that can be done to heal the committed relationship. Like I have said many times before, infidelity is not a good thing; however, many couples end up better off than ever when they heal from that crisis. Having said that, if the betrayed person wants to move on and feels it is too much to overcome and get the trust back, I always honor and respect that decision. However, if the betrayed partner chooses to stay, forgiveness is always an important goal. Here are 5 reasons why being able to forgive after an affair is so essential for the betrayed person to experience if he or she wants that relationship to continue. 5 Reasons Why You Should Forgive After an Affairrn1) Being able to forgive after an affair directly benefits the person who is forgiving. Forgiveness involves a letting go of the pain associated with (in this case) the betrayal. The hurt in the heart does not need to be held on to for eternity. The betrayed partner has a right to feel peaceful and emotionally healed again. 2) If the partner who deceived is showing signs of maturing and demonstrating a willingness to be a trustworthy partner, forgiveness is the only path to see him or her in a new light. Without being able to forgive after an affair and by holding on to the pain, it is difficult for the once betrayed person to see the other in any way but an unsafe and bad risk. The truth as I have witnessed repeatedly is that most people have the capacity to become better people and better partners. I have seen partners who were egocentric become partners who now can be thoughtful of the partner. I have seen partners who did not communicate begin to communicate regularly. I have seen partners who betrayed learn much healthier ways to regulate their emotions. In these cases, with forgiveness, the betrayed partner can enjoy the fruit of the other’s growth. 3) The act of being able to forgive after an affair can deepen and “humanize” the betrayed partner. In other words, I have seen people in this situation learn to see and feel more deeply; to accept the complexities and “grey” of life rather than in terms of good and bad; black and white. They appreciate the flawed human condition. They learn more about self-compassion as they forgive themselves as well. 4) Forgiveness can be contagious. As the betrayed partner is able to forgive after an affair, often the children, his or her parents, and even friends can follow suit. Others see the humanness of the couple and may apply it to their own lives as well. 5) There is a power in vulnerability; to live your life despite uncertainties and flaws as fully alive as possible. This kind of openness to the ups and downs of life as well as the risks of loss (and we know loss is a part of life) can only come through the process of learning to forgive after an affair. Forgiveness allows the couple to reach their relationship potential as they hopefully continue to increase their capacity to give and receive love. Being able to forgive after an affair is not an easy process but it is a worthwhile one for the 5 reasons If you are finding it difficult to find peace and forgive, I am here to help navigate this process. Feel free to contact me.