Will He Ever Commit To The Relationship?

A woman recently sought my advice on her relationship by asking the question, "My boyfriend is not willing to commit, what should I do?" To respond to the question appropriately, my first response is how long have you given the relationship a chance to grow & develop? Until there is an adequate length of time for trust & openness to occur, one is just exploring the possibility of relationship. Sometimes this will transpire within a few months & at other times if there has been a history of pain and negative past experiences, it may take longer for it to develop. But if your boyfriend is not assuming the responsibility to heal the pain from the past, he may never be able to fully commit. Moreover it is not the length of time to build up a relationship of commitment, it is the depth. AND depth may be achieved with just one experience. A thorough analysis of one interactive situation can determine the level of commitment. n

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• Did he care as his habit of caring/he was special in his approach? Many persons just have the habit of caring for others as a part of their personality. Their focus is not to initiate/ build up a relationship. So simply ask him what he would have done if it was some stranger in your place? n
• Was he with you during odd hours also/he was with you only when his comfort zone permitted him to be with you? Some people when in good mood help but when they are themselves feeling disturbed/feeling tired then they do not come forward to care for you & even behave irritably. If your hour of need & his comfort zone do not match then he is committed otherwise it still needs to be further explored & established. n
• Did he share with everybody that he cared for you/he maintained the dignity of expression? If he told everybody about helping you then your problem has been exposed & you might feel insulted/embarrassed in front of others. So just establish. These are a few questions that are important in coming to a conclusion. So ask self & feel for yourself, "What is his level of commitment?"n

Before you seek relationship advice, my second response to this question is "What is your approach in the relationship?" Are you fully present & committed? Or are you waiting for him to show his commitment first? You must let him know that you are open, willing, & able to commit by being totally accepting & supportive of him, his life, his work & those parts of his world that he is passionate about. The next consideration is whether he has his career/work established. A man's brain is hardwired to be a provider. If he is putting a great deal of energy into starting his career, the relationship will take second place until he has an appropriate amount of energy to invest. This is not to say that it cannot happen, it is just more likely for a man to truly commit to a partner when he feels financially established. If there has been an adequate amount of time to establish positive feelings & trust in the relationship, then it is important to look below the surface to see what kind of fears might be holding him back. If you are being open, willing & loving but he is still not returning the feelings then it is time to take a focused look at the relationship, based on love for yourself & investment of your energy. Too often women stay with men because they see the potential of a relationship but it is not the reality. Be willing to care about yourself enough to see it for what it really is & move on if he cannot return the same level of care, commitment & love.