Winning the Battle and the War: Parenting a Strong-willed Child

He seems so cute and funny most of the time. My four-year-old son has a sense of humor that can truly make his daddy laugh. His vocabulary is advanced, his smile can light up any room and there are times that having a conversation with him melts my heart…but there are days when I understand why some animals eat their young.

Yes, I admit it. I am the father of a strong-willed child. I cannot live in denial any longer. No more shall I insist that he is only a sweet, angelic little boy. I must verbalize to all who read this that there are times when my son is only one step lower tha
Damian from, “The Omen”.

He pushes boundaries, he won’t comply with my wishes until he absolutely knows he has to, he tries to intimidate his mother by lowering his voice and yelling like some kind of quasi-Chewbacca creature, and he waffles between doting on his baby sister and trying to send her to the hospital. Yes…he is sometimes a monster.

But I adore him.

I do. He is my little boy and, although he is difficult to parent at times, I prefer that he grows up to be strong instead of fearful; independent rather than passive. When he is thirty and life smacks him right between the eyes, my hope is that Joshua will step up and be a leader.

Don’t we all want our children to endure all life has to throw at them and remain strong?

So I have resigned myself to knowing that, if that is the MAN I hope he becomes that he will show those qualities in childhood. I know…it would be great if he would be strong-willed to everyone except his daddy but that’s not how it works. In fact, parents usually see the worst of their strong-willed child.

As parents, we are to train and nurture our children. Our job is to focus their energy so that they will be ready for adulthood. Strong-willed children have many excellent traits; they are independent, love to tackle challenges, and respond well to encouragement. They are often high achievers, if focused correctly.

It is also true that they are a greater challenge to parent. Strong-willed kids can bring us to the edge of insanity and then win our hearts, all in the space of about two minutes. However, if we accept the challenge, never give up, and invest our time and energy, we will be rewarded over the years.

Let me share some of the lessons I’ve learned about parenting a strong-willed child:

1. Relationship is Essential: This is especially important with a strong-willed child. If you commit to building a relationship with your child, it will go a LONG way in his acceptance of discipline. Invest time in him and he will notice.

2. Patience is Truly a Virtue: You must adjust your expectations accordingly or you will find yourself sitting in a rubber room, claiming you really ARE Napoleon. You have to expect your child to test you. It’s what strong-willed children live for. Most strong-willed kids get some sort of rush from watching a parent lost it. So, be firm but don’t blow a gasket.

3. Consistency is Key: Set healthy and consistent boundaries in your home. If your boundaries shift daily, he will push you all the time. The structure of consistent boundaries helps to focus the energy of strong-willed kids. Also, reward them “just because” you love them. These kids often get more criticism than praise and that isn’t healthy. Remember, we don’t love our kids for what they DO but for who they ARE.

4. Strength is Vital: You MUST learn to be stronger than your child. You must win every battle you choose to fight. You cannot let tantrums, intimidation, or charm wear you down. Your child must know that YOU are in charge. Otherwise, they will always believe they can win. If you want to raise a leader then you must allow the child to make decisions, try things, and learn from mistakes. This freedom encourages their development. It also gives you more leverage in enforcing the boundaries you deem MOST important. Strong-willed kids love to show off their strength which is great…but be stronger than they are when needed.

Finally, good luck! J Parenting a strong-willed child is hard. Believe me, I know. However, strong-willed children have great potential if you hang in there. Strong-willed children can be world-changers if molded right. So buckle up and enjoy the ride.