Women and Work Life Balance: Mission Impossible?

It used to be that bra-burning set women free.

These days women crave freedom through work-life balance, that priceless commodity that no one, even women performing at the top of their game, can get enough of.

The stories featuring women in prominent leadership positions--we can't get enough. Time magazine. Forbes. Twitter trends. News and talk shows.

It's career crack.What's she doing right? Who's doing it wrong? She said that? Makes how much? Increased visibility, increased scrutiny. And let's face it, we're dying to know how to leave the guilt behind and learn how to do a decent job of work-life balance.

Used to be, society had templates for "success." The TV show Happy Days summed up one template of those times. Father had a job. Mother raised the children. Families ate dinner together. Had actual eye -to-eye conversations. Handled hurdles neatly. Even when, inevitably, your family didn't live up to the template, you knew what it was by societal standards.

These days, definitions for success are all over the map. And they are often controversial. Look at all the vitriol spewing over Marissa Meyer and Sheryl Sandberg.

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When I was in my 20's, my mother lost sleep over what she saw: my becoming "a career woman" and ignoring the call of marriage and motherhood. I loved my work and identified with it deeply. I later met the man I wanted to marry. When it became impossible to meet the demands of a full time- plus marketing/training position with heavy travel demands, I quit with a heavy heart and an identity in tatters.

I remember the sting as my boss, several colleagues and friends judged me for leaving. Some, convinced I was making a mistake to leave a hip, lucrative job, even made dire predictions about my future.

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Forget about fame and fortune--women and men are barely recognized for what they do for the sake of family. Mindfully raising our children and being their vigilant advocate was the hardest job I've held. Many days, raising a family felt thank-less, unappreciated and invisible. Yet, as mothers, we couldn't say so, those of us who were "lucky enough" to stay home with our children.

Just as women who chose to stay home for a time with children couldn't say how hard it was, women in full-time careers were also expected to suck it up and remain mum about its challenges. When they missed first baby steps, recitals, and family commitments due to work responsibilities. Sandberg and Meyer share challenges and vulnerabilities about managing it all. When women with the intelligence, commitment and work ethic of Meyer and Sandberg struggle to show up fully in home and work spheres, it seems clear to conclude that only a mythical wonder woman could flourish under an old, dysfunctional paradigm of societal expectations.

There exists scant evidence of prominent wonder women leaders who feel successful balancing it all. Healthy balance seems out of reach and beyond control, like the odds of winning the lottery or snagging a cameo on Oprah.

As women, we are desperate for someone we can relate to--to show us how work-life balance can be achieved in a way we want to emulate. Critics may attack the messenger, but it is the system that's broken. The existing structures for getting recognized on the outside and feeling successful on the inside; for being able to be fully present at home AND at work is in ruins. It appears to be an ALL or NONE paradigm that doesn't have balance front and center at all.

Younger women want proof that they do not need to give up everything they've worked for to add a new partner or family dimension to their experience. I understand the forces and fears that cause many emerging women leaders to question or decide not to have children.

Clients say things like: I'm afraid to have kids, afraid of what it means for my lifestyle/my career to have kids; afraid of what I will have to give up; afraid of how mistakes I make will impact my children.

Serious concerns. For how will the rest of us will manage the still-separate, imbalanced spheres of work and home when Sheryl Sandberg, who represents a tiny percentage of women at her level of job prestige, influence and income, who has creature comforts and mega support -if SHE cannot manage a balanced life with everything available to her, what hope is there for the rest of us?

I agree with Sandberg's messages that on the whole, women play it too safe, don't own their core strengths or aim high enough. But she, and we, are still playing by the rules of a patriarchal system that needs drastic ingenuity and innovation to reflect what we all want, a way to allow for:

organizational access and advancement that does not require sacrifice of personal and family aspirations;
parental and family efforts that are visible and valued by society;
encouragement and appreciation for individual interpretations of success.

I could never understand why one person's definition of success had to fit us all. It is natural to look to others for definitions to suit, but it is essential to check in with ourselves.

We can do more than chase the next headline for how to address work-life balance. Here's a place to start right now!

Success Tip Sheet Questions-to-Self:

1. What is MY current definition of Success?

2. Do I enjoy what I'm doing?

3. How does what I am doing align with my "Why"

4. How does what I'm doing make use of my unique values and core strengths?

For example, in my case, self-employment provides affirming answers to these questions. Entrepreneurship and coaching are extremely stimulating and fulfilling, offers me more freedom, flexibility and income. Balances well with family life. Travels well. Success, as I define it at this stage.

TELL US your current definition of success? How does/could your organization and family support you (or not) in achieving more work-life balance?