Women at the Water Cooler – Secret # 1 Work vs. Life Persona

A question: “People who know me say I’m a different person at work vs. in the rest of my life. Is that bad?” Maybe, maybe not. How, if at all, does it get in your way? Does your team say that about you? Where does your data come from? Is this a recurring theme? If you look at what people are asking from their leaders, one of the key things is authenticity. You have to be sensitive to being yourself and not putting on a false front that people don’t believe. What I hear a lot from clients is that there are times when a leader seems disingenuine when asking about personal questions or things outside of work. So, if you’re a person for whom that information just isn’t of interest to you, don’t bother asking people those types of questions. They’ll immediately sense it and it does not always work in your favor. Find other ways to connect with people at work and leave the personal element out. On the other hand, if you are a person who genuinely enjoys knowing people beyond the work environment and spends time doing just that, then you’re likely seeing the benefits those personal relationships get you. People will always do more, go further, and support people they feel some connection to. I often say, the more I know you, the more likely I am to do you a favor, take your call when I’m busy or get above and beyond to help you. Sometimes people, who work hard to keep a portion of their lives separate from those at work, do so at a cost to themselves. It takes a lot of energy to restrain ‘who you are’ and limit the parts of you that you expose to others. Additionally, people often sense the withholding and are slightly uncomfortable when they sense a distance between you two. I have a clients working on this now. For example, a very likable guy got promoted to lead a team he used to be a part of and he feels now like he should maintain a certain type of relationship with his direct reports. He keeps personal information from them. For example, one employee said, ‘why wouldn’t he want me to know his wife is expecting a baby? I’m really interested in that sort of thing.’ My client tells me he’s unsure why he keeps so much close to the vest, and what we’ve been exploring is the amount of energy it takes to do just that. My experience is that people may not realize the personal costs associated with being a certain way at work and a different way at home. It may serve us to ask why? What is our fear if we share who we are? I had another conversation with a client who interviewed for a big job. Someone in a very senior role within the firm, who she wouldn’t be reporting to, was a part of the interview team. When they met, he said I have little interest in hearing about your competency or experience. Others will ferret that out. I want to know who you are, what you’re passionate about, what makes you happy. She was taken aback by his interest. She took the role and shared with me that in part her decision was impacted by wanting to be around someone like that, someone so genuinely interested in her as a person. She said she thought she could learn a lot from him. That is powerful. If you think that this explanation might resonate with you, there are a few things you can do. Figure out how to figure out whether you are someone who is aloof, holds back is hard to get to know. Reflect inward about how it serves you to keep a distance between yourself and others at work. Imagine or picture a relationship in which you feel complete connection to the other person. What is that like for you? How does that feed your soul? What would it be like to have that with more people? Consider a couple of relationships that it might be really good to have a slightly more intimate connection with. Take a step toward them. One foot at a time.