You Are Not The Problem: Why it’s Not Your Fault You Were Cheated on

When you discover that the person you trust the most has betrayed you, whether that be with an emotional affair or a physical one, it can have devastating effects. From getting stuck in an endless cycle of bitterness, depression, and loneliness to being convinced that you somehow were the reason that he or she cheated. But what puts this type of pain and shock over the top is when your partner blames you for their own infidelity. Yes, both men and women will blame the other for the affair by saying that they “made them” get into the situation in the first place. We are here to tell you that this is not the case, you did not make them cheat. If your partner is choosing to blame you or you are blaming yourself, know that it is not your fault and here is why you should not internalize it as so.

Why it is Important to Not Internalize

One of the first things you may be tempted to do is internalize their cheating behavior. If you find yourself asking what you could have done differently or find yourself immobilized by the fear that you are defective, then you are internalizing. If you stay on this path, not only will you completely destroy what self-esteem you do have but you will think that you are broken, not attractive, and a failure. This type of negative thinking pattern is going to lengthen the healing process, make you feel guilty (when you shouldn’t!) and cause you to carry the pain forward into future relationships.

It Has Nothing to do With Your Social Standing or Background

One of the first reasons we come up with when we wonder about why our partner cheated is something along the lines of, “well maybe they are just not attracted to me,” or “maybe if I was a little more successful at my career”. Infidelity actually has very little to do with your appearance, how much money you make, or what your educational background is in the majority of cases. What actually matters is how your partner feels about you and the company you provide them, while everything else comes second to that.

Cheating is a Unilateral Decision

When a partner cheats, it is an action that they choose to commit. This is a unilateral decision, meaning that they made the choice to cheat without you. Other choices do exist, such as leaving the marriage, going to counselling, or choosing to go your separate ways, all without the betrayal of infidelity. Let’s back this up further. • If there were problems in the relationship, they should have been communicated on both sides. This includes problems with your sex life and emotional support. Cheating does not solve these problems and is more of a “band-aid” to the person who is doing the cheating. Often, the spouse does not want to confront the problems, does not know how to, or does not care enough to deal with them in a mature way. • If your partner wanted to be with someone else, whether it was just for the sex or not, they could have gone their separate ways. Generally speaking, this is someone who either does not want to admit that they are unhappy, is fearful of leaving the relationship even if their needs aren’t being met or is unable to control themselves around others (serial cheater). • It is a personal decision that they chose to make. Finally, it’s very important to note that you could not have changed his mind about the cheating. You cannot make someone remain faithful to you, which means there isn’t something that you could have done differently to get him to not cheat. The responsibility lies with the spouse who chose to not take a more pro-active course of action.

So What Type of Problems Cause a Spouse to Cheat if it’s Not Me?

• The Marriage Bond Breaks Down: any relationship takes work and if you allow life to get in the way, such as children, bills, and time, then the relationship is going to break down and you will drift apart. • Personal Needs Are Not Being Met: if emotional and sexual needs are not being met because of exhaustion or too many commitments, then this can cause someone to look outside of the relationship even though that is not the correct answer. • They Are Having a Mid-Life Crisis: it is very common for individuals to want to recapture the feelings of youth and therefore have a mid-life crisis in asking whether they made the right decision or not. If they cheat because of this, this is a problem that comes from within them. • They Lack the Maturity: if they do not have self-control or are impulsive then they may cheat because they do not have the maturity required to maintain a monogamous relationship. You being prettier or sexier will not change their self-control levels. • They Want to End the Relationship: this is referred to as an exit-affair, where the individual avoids confrontation by causing pain. If you have been cheated on or are in the process of going through this type of situation, please remember that the cheating comes from your partner’s inability to deal with their own issues, whether that be issues with the relationship or their own internal battles. The only thing you are responsible for is your own actions, the amount of work you put into the relationship, and your response to the situation at hand.