You Don’t have to be Married to Get Anniversary Gifts

So many “marriages” these days are not formalized by traditional weddings, or are only legalized years after a couple has been living together for some time, so the etiquette of giving anniversary gifts can be confusing.

For instance, my gay cousin and her partner have lived together for almost ten years. They even have two adopted children. I don’t recall anyone…on our side of the family at least…ever giving them anniversary gifts. Birthday gifts; yes. Baby shower gifts; yes. So, why not anniversary gifts?

My friend’s daughter has been living with her boyfriend for the past seven years…and there’s still no wedding ceremony scheduled. They consider themselves married, and probably will form some kind of legal attachment when they start a family, but in the meantime why shouldn’t they receive anniversary gifts to commemorate their union?

Another example that’s even closer to home: My husband and I lived together for two years; then got married in the UK in a London Registrar’s Office; then, more than five years later, went through a religious ceremony in a US Texas synagogue. So, what date was our wedding anniversary date? Since we never quite settled on one we never actually ever celebrated an anniversary and thus never received wedding anniversary gifts. For that matter, we never even received wedding gifts!

So, speaking as someone who has enjoyed a very long and happy marriage, I say we should change the etiquette books to accommodate the changing customs. After all, aren’t we just as entitled to receive anniversary gifts as those couples that have large engagement parties, huge weddings, hundreds of wedding gifts, and then give each other anniversary gifts every year…until 50% of them get a divorce within the first six years?

Here’s what I think the etiquette should say on the subject:

Any couple that has formed a de facto union should be entitled to declare an arbitrary wedding anniversary date - perhaps the day they first met, or the day they set up housekeeping together, or their favorite lucky day of the year…or just any arbitrary date. From then on they will be entitled to celebrate wedding anniversaries and give each other (and receive from family and friends, of course) anniversary gifts.