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Browse every published article connected to Bobbi Palmer, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
Articles
Browse every published article connected to Bobbi Palmer, or search within this exact expert archive.
As if dating and mating wasn’t hard enough, technology has added a variety of new challenges to the art of hooking up. Not only do you have to master the computer crud, you have to figure out how to actually connect with another human being amidst the volume and the anonymity.
This is the third in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are: M - Me and Me first. A - Assess your list. S - Shed your stuff. T - Time to get out and Trail blaze. R - Real women find their man. I say you need to Trail Blaze because, as you know, he’s not comin’ knocking on your door. You have to make a plan and get out of your house. I’m going to be honest with you: this part can be what stops you in your tracks.
If you're going to be a successful dater (which means you have fun and meet good men), an essential tool is the ability to empathize with the men you meet. Empathy is not feeling sorry for someone. It's being able to put yourself in their shoes and understand their experience. I believe that the only way women can truly do that with men is to hear their stories firsthand. In my years of coaching I have gathered thoughts, feelings and stories from men in their early 30s up to their 70s, and clear patterns have emerged.
My Dad died. There…I said it out loud. Even though I was by his side and saw him take his very last breath, it’s been hard to believe he’s gone forever. F-o-r-e-v-e-r. I wanted to write this article for Thanksgiving so I could publicly thank him and show my gratitude. How trite, I thought. It doesn't do him justice. So I write now. On a dreary Friday in November. Just another day like every single day since October 2 when I think of him and wish he were here.
The first ten minutes of a date often determine whether a second date is ever going to happen, and let's face it: second dates are not the norm for many. That was definitely my story until I learned about (what I now call) "Date Waste."
30 minutes. That’s about how long you generally have to “get to know” a man before deciding to have a cup of coffee or date with him. You meet online, or at the local bank, and that’s about it. But he seems imperfect. He’s clearly missing one of your must-haves. Should you gracefully decline? After all, you have very little time to waste, right?
Masturbation. There…I said it. The "Big M." I don't generally talk about this, so it may shock you. But the time has come to chat about the role sex – or lack thereof – plays in the life of a woman in her later years who is single and looking for love.
Want to attract a confident, grounded man who will enhance your already great life? The best way to do it is to act like a lady. Yes, that age-old scenario is still true: masculine men are attracted to feminine women. Men want to know that they're contributing to our lives. When a man cares about you, making you happy is his mission. If you don't allow him this gift, chances are he will not stay. Or, if he does, he will give you what you ask for: nothing.
Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? It can be a lot of work that leads to a lot of nothing. I conducted a survey recently and asked women what their biggest challenge was when they date. The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men. Can you relate?? I hear this from women all the time. I’m tired of meeting losers. All the good ones are gay or taken. All the men I meet are bald, boring, messy, sex-crazed, they are too this, not enough that. And the most common: I just don’t feel a spark with any men I’m meeting.
It’s pathetic how easily I can find my self acting like the insecure kid I was in high school. These days it doesn’t come up too much, but can happen when I meet someone I especially like and admire, and get the sense they don’t return the feeling. I can get to feeling so hurt and undeserving that I turn into a withdrawn ball of mush.
Why is it that when we date — even at 40, 50, or 60 — we can become an alien woman from planet WTF? If you’re anything like I was, it’s sometimes difficult to recognize yourself when you’re in the presence of a hot, nice, or simply available man. The beliefs and habits of our 25 or 30 year old can be hard to shake. Here’s what I finally learned, that I want you to know: You are a grownup woman. You know who you are, what you want, and you’re in charge in the other parts of your life, right?
Have you heard this quote by Anthony Robbins: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” I love this quote. What does it have to do with dating and your search for love? It may have everything to do with it…especially if you’ve been looking for a meaningful relationship for some time. Let me ask you: Do you want to find a good man to be your life partner? How long have you been looking or waiting for him?
Albert Einstein once said: “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” Al was so damn smart! Not only was he the king of quantum physics, he got right to the heart of one of the most troubling challenges in male/female relations. Okay…let’s break this down:
Your fear of being rejected because you are imperfect is exactly what is getting you rejected. Yah…I know I’ve written about this a million times, but two recent experiences reminded me of how major this is. So here I am reminding you in case you still don’t get it. Me…Popular? My Junior High Rewind. Last week I was at a reunion of about 15 women I knew from Junior High School. Two are close friends today; the others I hadn’t seen in about 35 years.
Dating sites report that their fastest growing segment are people over 50. My clients, women ranging from 35 – 65, are having great success with it. Face it: online dating is the new hot spot for people who wouldn’t dream of meeting someone in a bar. You know I’m a huge proponent of online dating. I met my husband on Match.com when I was 47. He was 57. That man is the best part of my life. I love the idea of finding companionship and love using online dating.
If you are over 40 and dating, it is extremely likely that you have something about your past or your present you’re afraid to share when you meet new men. As I talked about in my last Grownup Girls’ Night Out, there is a good time AND a good way to talk about your “baggage.”
To Watch Video Click Here I had a disappointment today. I blew an opportunity to do well at something that was super important to me. I was struggling to find a way to fix it…to make it right. So I thought: What would I tell another sister to do in this situation? I came up with the answer that worked for me, and I moved on.
To Watch Video Click Here Were you at last Friday’s Grownup Girls’ Night Out Live Man Panel? I had three men — ages 40s, 50s and 70s – generously share their thoughts and feelings about what attracts them to women, what to do on dates, how to tell if a man is into you…and much more. It was spectacular.
You can meet the spectacular, special man who is going to be your life partner using online dating. I met the love of my life on www.match.com, so of course I recommend it to all my friends, coaching clients, in my workshops…really to anyone who will listen! Here are three things I recommend you keep in mind as you travel on your journey meeting men using online dating. (Yep…it is a journey and, yes, you meet men online…you really don’t date them there.) #1. Be the Boss
<img src="http://datelikeagrownup.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Fred-and-Wilma-I-love-Lucy.jpg" align="right"> "If it were a snake, it would 'a bit ya!" That's what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo's neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he'd wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his (bald) head. Do you remember that?
Newsflash: Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives without even knowing it. We do it by behaving in ways that, until pointed out by someone else, are a complete mystery. Finally having this pointed out to me in my early 40s was a huge part of my transition from a pretty happy single gal to, at age 47, a truly fulfilled wife of a loving and adoring man.
Dating like a grownup is the quickest path to finally enjoying mutually nurturing relationships with men who are full of respect, adoration and commitment. If you're going to date like a grownup, developing empathy for men is crucial. Just like all your relationships, when you have the ability to step outside yourself and get into someone else's head and heart (even just a little), your connections instantly improve.
When I was single I had a love/hate relationship with weekends. I loved having the extra time off work; I hated that I didn’t have a man to spend the time with. The truth is, though, that I didn’t need a man to have fun or accomplish something meaningful. In many cases, I just needed ME!
I'm sure you know that in order to attract the right man you need to feel great about yourself. That's why Step One of my 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him System is Who Am I: Falling in Love With Myself. You have to know why you rock and truly believe that you'll make some lucky man a superb partner.
I received an email yesterday that I want to share. I hear some form of this a lot: “I’m [not perfect because of fill-in-the-blank] and I’m worried no man will ever want me!” I get it but I can’t tell you how much this breaks my heart. I lived in the “no man wants a fat girl” reality for a long freaking time. But it’s a lie I told myself so I could blame men for the lack of love in my life.I know the truth now: the vast majority of the men I met didn’t pick me because of my “Wall of I Dare You” and my insecurities; not because of my fat thighs.
I know you say you're looking for a loving and committed man to share your life, but I have to ask...have you found yourself yet? I know you've heard this before and it sounds trite, but everyone says it for a good reason. If the answer to the question is no, beats me, or who cares...then you probably have a few steps to take before you're going to attract Mr Right. Here's what I propose: stop focusing on him and start focusing on you.
What if you could hear men honestly share their thoughts and feelings about women, dating, sex and relationships? I had the opportunity to do that twice last week when I hosted and observed "man panels."
The ladies in my Master the Mystery of Meeting Men telecourse have been talking about S-E-X. When is it okay to have it? How do you decide? This is such an important conversation! You may think "I'm not even dating yet...who cares!" But the decision may be closer than you think, and I want you to be prepared. Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship. But for women, it can also wreak havoc on your emotional state. Having sex too soon can also mess up an otherwise budding relationship.
Needy women attract good men. "Low-maintenance" women attract jerks…or no men at all. Is this counter to what you've always thought? Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he'd like you? Well, consider this: A Good Man – one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded – wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he's enhancing your already-great life.
My idea for today's post came from a seminar I hosted last week called "Making Sense of Men." It was co-led by a trainer for PAX Programs International, which is in the business of educating women about men. If you haven't familiarized yourself with PAX, which is the brilliant work of Alison Armstrong, I can't recommend it enough. I attended my first course with them 10 years ago, and it was a life-changing experience.
This is the fifth and last in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are: M - Me and Me first. A - Assess your list. S - Shed your stuff. T - Time to get out and Trail blaze. R - Real women find their man. The truth is that as we get older, the ratio of single men to women begins to favor men. That means there's a lot of competition, especially for the confident, healthy, relationship-minded man you want to meet. That good man has a lot of options – and I want You to be the one he chooses!
This is the second in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are: M - Me and Me first. A - Assess your list. S - Shed your stuff. T - Time to get out and Trail blaze. R - Real women find their man. Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like: Honest Tall Funnyr Good lookingr Financially stable
Not only is it okay to talk about yourself to men, but it is 100% essential to getting first dates and future dates. When I tell women that it’s GOOD to talk about themselves, it’s generally met with complete shock. But don’t guys love it when we let them do all the talking?
Have you heard about Weinergate? Just in case you haven't, it goes like this: Congressman Anthony Weiner, after denying it for days, got caught quite literally with his pants down. (Yeah, I know I'm not the first to use that. But it works.) Apparently The Weiner has been acting like a horny 16 year old, sexting endlessly to women he doesn't even know. (Nor, as I keep hearing reported, did he know their ages. Uh-oh.)
I hate being like everyone else, but I have to make an exception for Oprah. Everyone is talking about her, and rightly so. May 25 is her final show. Oprah will no longer be visiting us every weekday, teaching us, nourishing our spirits and making us laugh. The positive transformation this one woman has effected in the world is breathtaking.
Happy Memorial Day weekend! How about a little trivia to start your day?
If you're a Mom with children still at home, I'm sure you have conce s about how your dating might affect your kids’ lives. Issues such as jealousy and challenges with time-sharing are real. But I’d like you to consider the positives. Yes, it’s true that "a happy Mother is a good Mother." But I also believe that Moms who date have a great opportunity to teach their kids – especially their daughters – essential lessons about taking care of themselves and interacting with boys. -------------r
"I know why you aren't married: you're just too picky!" Women who are single in their 40s, 50s and beyond hear this a lot. After all, what other reason can there be for why you haven't yet snagged a man? As a woman who became a first-time bride at 47, I heard this a lot—especially from my father. And the word "picky" was said with such disdain, like I wasn't deserving of being selective. Like I should just grab the next guy who would have me.
Are you a single woman over 40 who is smart, independent and thinking there are no good men out there? I hope you don’t mind my saying this: you are wrong. As a dating and relationship coach – and a woman who was a first-time bride at 47 – I’m quite aware of what we tell ourselves: Men can’t handle smart, powerful women. This is who I am and I'm not going to change for any man. I’m going to wait for the man who accepts me just the way I am and if he doesn't come along then I'll be just as happy. Sound familiar at all?
When you think of dating – especially online dating – do you feel any fear? Do you get even a tiny twinge of terror? If your answer is "yes," you are not alone. In fact, I think you're among the majority. The women I'm coaching often tell me about situations they describe as "scary." Here are some examples: • He wants to meet in person after just one email. • He asked her where she lived. • He's beginning to get touchier and seems to want sex; she likes him but is not ready. • He texted her with a question loaded with sexual innuendo.
All right, ladies. I trust we all got through Valentine’s Day, right? But let's make this your last February fourteenth when you don’t have a fab date! To do that, you’re going to have to make some changes. Put simply, stagnation is never good. When you refuse to change or embrace new challenges, you’re not going to get any of the good stuff that comes with opening yourself up to new experiences. What’s keeping you from doing that? If you’re reading this, I can only assume you want to find a fantastic man to share your life with. How long have you been on the soul mate search?
Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't care what you want and need? I'm going to assume the answer is "no." So I have to ask: Why would you date a man who doesn't care what you want and need? Two of my private coaching clients are struggling with the notion of communicating their needs and desires to the men they date. Most of my clients have this challenge. I know I did. We think that if we share what we want, the guy will think us pushy and selfish, and leave.
I've heard the same thing from so many women this week that I had to ask you if this sounds familiar: "I'm generally a very friendly, confident gal...unless I'm in the company of a single man—especially one I'm attracted to. In that case I turn into mush." Why is it that when we meet or date attractive guys—even at 40, 50 or 60—we can become an Alien Woman from Planet WTF? If you're anything like I was, sometimes it was hard to recognize the woman sitting in front of an attractive or available man.
I've been told that I'm scary. That's what my client, Liz, told me today. She says that several men have said she's intimidating and "too much for them." I was told that when I was single and dating. My response was: that's who I am—and if you can't take it, I don't want you! (I probably added a couple expletives, but I'll spare you.) After I finally got sick enough of being alone and having one dating failure after another, I took a good look at myself. What I saw was that my approach to men was somewhat cold, defensive and bordering on aggressive.
Want to know the number one trick to meeting men online and getting dates? Learn how to write a killer email. When I was online, I remember how it felt. I’d send an endless number of emails that seemed to go into the pit of Internet rejection hell. The truth is, there is a lot of competition out there—especially if you’re a woman dating over 40. Move into your 50s and 60s, and the competition gets downright fierce. Having a fantastic profile is a must, but coupling that with the art of writing emails sets you up to be a surefire winner in the game of I-love.
Are you resisting letting men help you or do nice things for you? Maybe you’re thinking it threatens your independence or makes you seem weak. Or maybe you’re just trying to be low-maintenance; thinking that this is what men want. As I’ve said time and time again, letting a man do for you – especially since you don’t neeeeeed him to – is the greatest gift you can give him and…in turn…yourself. Here is a letter I received from a client of mine who is graduating from my Mastering the Mystery of Meeting Men telecourse. She finally got it, and get’s a “A” for sure. ————— Bobbi,
Raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of your girlfriends. My guess is that, at least for a few, you actually can. Larry and I can read each other’s minds at times. When you’ve spent about 2000 days with someone you love, that happens. (It’s not always a good thing, btw.) Now, raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with. Anyone? Okay, now raise your hand if you’ve tried to read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with. I bet you have, and I bet you can’t.
Yesterday I wanted to quit. This is too hard. There are days things seem to be clicking and I’m finally getting it…marching boldly toward my goal. Then there are days like yesterday when I feel clueless…like a failure with no hope of success. And I can’t help but take it personally. I know I shouldn’t. But this is one of my biggest challenges. I see women all around me succeed brilliantly. I know deep dow I can do it; I’ve been working at it and learning. But I feel like I’m missing something other women understand. Or maybe they have personal traits that I just don’t have.
Do you walk out of the house each day feeling good about yourself, and ready to run into that one man who is going to rock your world an put that proverbial cherry on your cake? Check out this guest post by Sybil Henry, The Style Concierge. Sybil joined me Wednesday night for my GGNO Club event: The Art of Being a Woman, Mastering Your Secret Super Power. (Have you signed up yet?) I love this woman. you will too.rn———————–
Rejection sucks. There’s no other way to say it. When he doesn’t show interest, doesn’t show up, or breaks it off after a relationship develops; it’s ugly and icky. No doubt about it. Thing is: rejection doesn’t have to strike a mortal blow. I know so many women who avoid connecting with men – by choice or unconsciously – because they don’t want to experience rejection. If you don’t accept – even welcome – rejection, your dream of meeting a life partner will most surely never materialize. It will keep you from getting out there and giving it your best.