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Browse every published article connected to Darlene Lancer, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Women, in particular, are looking for commitment. Hollywood, the media, and dating websites all focus on getting a marriage proposal. The art of seduction pre-dates expert Cleopatra. Dozens of books have been written about getting an unavailable man to say, “I do.” For six years, Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex in the City” tried to get Mr. Big to commit.
Caesarian sections in the U.S. hit a record high for the eleventh year in a row - averaging about one-third of births nationally, up from 26 percent in 2002 and 5 percent in 1970. The rate is 36 percent in New York (45 percent at Albany Medical Center) and 39 percent in Florida (50 percent in Miami Dade County).
Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right—our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down.
The expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating.
We’re wired for attachment – why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships.
In working with women for decades, I've found that self-esteem is the common denominator of many women's issues. With better self-esteem, women are more able to find balance, handle stress, and claim their autonomy.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-8234 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Self-knowledge-answers.jpg" alt="Self-Knowledge" width="405" height="449" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-4867 size-medium" title="Stages of Codependency" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Stages-of-Addiction-300x274.png" alt="stages-of-codependency" width="300" height="274" />
Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met. When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we believe that we matter and that we can affect outcomes. We have a sense of efficacy in our lives, rather than being at the effect of others and circumstances. Instead of reacting, we can act because we have an internal locus-of-control.
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A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Codependency is learned – learned inaccurate information that you’re in some way not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect. These are the false beliefs that most codependents grow up with. They may not have been told these things directly, but have inferred it from behavior and attitudes of family and friends and events. Often these beliefs get handed down for generations.
Why bother to make resolutions and then feel disappointed or guilty for breaking them? Do you get excited and resolve to change, but within days or weeks lose interest and can’t motivate yourself? Wonder why you get sidetracked by distractions or become easily discouraged when quick results aren’t forthcoming? The problem is threefold:
Perfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. It can become a painful, inescapable trap. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be dehumanizing and compromise our ability to feel love and experience joy. Fortunately, it’s possible to beat perfectionism! Learn about different types of perfectionists, from positive perfectionists to negative, and how relationships are affected... See my interview : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1Mr0JDnl5k&feature=youtu.be
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<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-4070" src="http://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/forgiveness-300x198.png" alt="forgiveness, how to forgive, broken heart" width="300" height="198" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-22890" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/compassion.jpg" alt="holding hands" width="404" height="270" />Empaths are more than empathetic. Like an HSP–highly sensitive person–they’re highly attuned to stimuli and other people’s emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They may be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some definitions. An HSP has a rich inner life and deep central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-3155 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/distant-mate-stockfresh.jpg" alt="Narcissistic boyfriend, narcissistic men" width="424" height="283" />
When reality doesn’t match our desires and childhood coping mechanisms fail us, life presents us with painful lessons that may lead to depression. We face painful lessons that can lead to depression. The patterns we developed in response to unmet childhood needs can strain our relationships. If we were overly indulged or our disappointment was unconsoled in childhood, we become easily discouraged or more willful as adults. Both responses hinder our ability to adapt to reality. Stubborn self-will can prevent us from finding workable solutions.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-16557 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/dating.jpg" alt="online dating" width="418" height="293" /> You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over—sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar.
Divorce ranks just above death in severity of stress and is often combined with other stressors, such as marital discord, serious financial problems, a move, single parenting, multiple losses and litigation, all at once. It's a life cycle crisis that presents a crucial period of increased vulnerability and heightened potential. With consciousness, the process can be edifying. Although not easy, it's extremely rewarding, because, in the long run you feel better and learn from the experience, so you don't have to repeat the same mistakes.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Is your relationship or marriage just, well, so-so? Maybe you’re not sure if you still love or ever loved your partner? Maybe he or she has many good traits – is kind, or generous, funny, or the sex is great. She’s gorgeous, or he showers you with kindness – but something is missing. Maybe your parents or friends think that he or she is great – that others would give their eye teeth for such a relationship. There’s more at stake if you have children together, but if not, how do you decide what’s the right thing to do?
Narcissists can be hard to empathize with, but research on inherited narcissism shows they didn’t choose to be that way; they bear scars from childhood.
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-7350" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/shame-trauma-300x300.jpg" alt="shame-trauma" width="300" height="300" />
Everyone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It’s in our DNA. Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else’s needs and feelings take precedence. This works for a while. It feels natural, and there’s less outer conflict, but our inner conflict grows. If we’d like to say no, we feel guilty, and we may feel resentful when we yes. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
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Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Being a borderline (having BPD) is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time on the border between reality and psychosis. Your illness distorts your perceptions causing antagonistic behavior and making the world a perilous place. The pain and terror of abandonment and feeling unwanted can be so great that suicide feels like a better choice.
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Where is your power center? Is it in you or in other people or circumstances? Paradoxically, controlling people often believe that they don’t have control over their lives or even themselves. Control is important to codependents.
Valentine’s Day creates a lot of expectations that are often unrealized. It's fraught with landmines, whether you’re in or out of a relationship, the grass isn’t always greener. Is your situation described here? Read six tips to having a great holiday.
Good relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill toward one another, talk things over, resolve conflicts, and return to a loving, enjoyable state.
Self-responsibility both reflects and generates self-esteem. People with high self-esteem feel that they are in charge of their lives. They have a sense of agency and self-efficacy. They take responsibility for their feelings, actions, and lives. It also means that you take responsibility for the consequences of your choices and behaviors, both positive and negative outcomes, rather than blame yourself or others. It requires a desire to review and learn from your mistakes in order to seek solutions and improvement.r
Many mental health professionals do not understand the 12-Step recovery process, unless they have participated in a 12-Step program. Although they may encourage their clients to do so, they may feel perplexed or intimated, or act patronizing. Often, therapists don’t realize that the 12-Steps are not merely an antidote for addiction, but are guidelines for nothing less than a total personality transformation.
There’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means sharing personal information or having sex. Real intimacy is far more. It makes you feel content, empowered, whole, peaceful, alive, and happy. It transforms and nurtures you. Physical closeness, sex, and romance are important to a relationship, but emotional intimacy revitalizes and enlivens it.<!--more-->
Codependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts.
Most women suffer from lack of self-confidence, even despite greater job and educational opportunities than ever before. Lack of self-esteem starts as early as nine years old for girls and steadily worsens in adolescence, even if they excel in school.
Last year, a study reported that despite the improvement in women's lives, their happiness relative to men has declined since the '70s, when the reverse was true. This held true across racial and socio-economic lines in several industrialized countries. Women's happiness also declines with age. In contrast, men' happiness has increased and increases with age.
Anyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes they experience the caring person they love, whose company is a pleasure, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate. Narcissists claim to love their family and partners, but do they? How a narcissist loves
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
If you suffer from chronic pain, you are not alone. Millions of Americans seek treatment for chronic pain, pain that continues for more than six months. Chronic pain is no longer viewed as a symptom, but as an illness in itself. Things we take for granted, such as eating, sleeping, dressing, walking, laughing, working, socializing, and independence may be lost to a person with chronic pain. Frequently, no physical cause can be established, or the initial injury has long since healed, but the pain persists, and generally worsens over time.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-11197" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Dark-Triad1.png" alt="" width="356" height="322" />Think of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our guard down.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-10479" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/beliefs.png" alt="Beliefs" width="400" height="265" />Codependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Falling in love happens to us—usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, you’re attached and want to maintain your connection and love.
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You can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma, usually that began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional neglect. Childhood events had a greater impact on you then than they would today, because you didn’t have coping skills that an adult would have.
We’re all in denial. We’d barely get through the day if we worried that we or people we love could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore problems for which there are solutions or deny feelings and needs that if dealt with would enhance our lives. Unfortunately, if you're in denial, you won't know it. Read on to learn how to recognize denial in its many forms. Types and Degrees of Denial
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