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Browse every published article connected to David Harm, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
Articles
Browse every published article connected to David Harm, or search within this exact expert archive.
3 September of 2015 I got married to a wonderful lady. I admit, I have been married before, so this shouldn’t be any different. Yet, this was different. My now wife and I had been dating for five years. Our dating consisted of being together roughly two months over the course of the year.r
Sometimes the best thing we can do for others, is nothing. Offer our experience and let them grow on their own... During my first attempt at sobriety I started writing. Mostly jou als about what had happened in my life and how it affected me at that time. I found it quite therapeutic. My writing stopped when I went back to drinking and didn’t resume until I quit drinking again. Now, since October of 1994, I’ve been writing.
Everything that has happened to me in September symbolises life and death. A part of me died, so a new part could come to life. The closest this symbol came to reality was on the 15th in 2014. That day, I laid on a hospital bed and was under the knife for over four hours. After the surgery, as I was coming out of a deep sleep from anaesthesia, I could hear the nurses talking and asking me if I could move my feet. As hard as I tried I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even open my eyes to tell them that I understood what they were asking.
“I just have to get this article done tonight.” The world might come to an end if I don’t. No one ever told me I had to get it done. The sad part is I may not get it done on time because I had to go to town to get new shoelaces. Do you get my sarcasm and the utter distaste for words like “have” and “had”? We don’t have to do anything. And the reality is I never had to write any updates for any site or anybody. I do things because I want to, not because I have too.
As the years begin to pass me by, it is hard not to reflect on my life. Lost friendships, lost loves… just so much lost. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with how my life has turned out, yet I can’t help and look back at the destruction of my life.
I recently found out that I had been approved for a new visa to live and work in the United Kingdom. This new visa, just like the last one is good for two and a half years. When I look back at my time living in the UK, it has been a lifetime. I don’t mean that to sound negatively but rather that I have experienced so much in such a short time. I have experiences that others, whether in the UK or the USA will never experience in their lifetime.
I think as long as I live, I will try to be a "success." I have a good idea of what the term means to me, but, the family I grew up in, pictures success as cash in the bank, money in stocks, a fancy home (or two), driving new vechiles, the list can go on forever. You get the picture. But as you chase that dream of success, what do you get? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this type of success. But what I don't want is a success built on excess!
"Hi, I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic." I've made this statement numerous times over the last 21 plus years. I've said it at AA meetings and have changed the ending to fit in at CODA, Alanon, NA, and ACOA meetings, I've made this comment on different websites across the web. I've also talked about my addiction in detail in both of my books. And I've written editorials about it for a local newspaper and shared my addiction through the art of poetry in a newspaper colum I used to write.
Cancer. A word that no one wants to hear or say. A word which even in this modern time conjures up thoughts of death. The surgeries, the chemo, the radiation, at times, you wonder will it ever stop. And at times, you wonder, how much fight the both of you have. But, somehow, by the Grace of God, you work your way through it all, and as a couple, you become stronger. Along the way, you learn some valuable lessons. There are some "do's" and "don'ts" which should be practiced, as a family with cancer, or as friends of a family with cancer.
As I have grown in years, I am ashamed of some of the things I have done. So ashamed that to mention them right now would take more than a simple story to explain. I’m not even sure if I could explain it all in a book. In fact, I’m not sure if I would even believe the explanation.
Recovery author and guru, John Bradshaw once talked about being a "human being" instead of a "human doing." While New Age thoughts talk about the illusions of being a human. Never happy we're we are in life. Always having to get "there" and when it finally becomes our "here" we realize that being "there" isn't much better than our old "here."
At the time, I couldn't believe it would happen to me. We raised a family, we fought, then made-up, and made plans for our future - together. We didn't always have good times, but I honestly believed we would work through all our problems. We didn't have much money, nor did we go on exotic vacations, but, I thought our company and our love, would carry us through any hard times.
My favourite recovery author is John Bradshaw. He is the one who introduced me to the idea of the inner child. And he also helped me understand that alcoholism is never a primary illness, but rather it is a secondary disease. Bradshaw believes that the primary illness is co-dependency or as he says "the disease of the disease." When I quit drinking I had a fear of not only going to jail but also ending up divorced. And at first this was the reaso I quit drinking. But as time went on and I became a regular at AA meetings I slowly began feeling good about the direction my life was going.
As more time passes from my operations I begin to see more of it. Some have mentioned that it is a form of PTSD. It is hard to describe. The best word I can think of is fear. I wasn't fearful at the time but as I look back at it all it makes me extremely fearful.
Been kind of sad lately. Maybe even a bit depressed. I can’t see how anyone can not feel a bit down after reading or watching the latest news. What story am I talking about? On what day? It doesn’t matter, the stories don’t really seem to change, just the places and the names change. I read about the torture of an eight week old puppy. His paws tied together and placed in a bag, on a door handle of a charity shop. I read an article about a cat who was choked to death with a rope. Pets aren’t the only ones being abused.
I am becoming more and more aware that in my past I was a master at passive aggressive behaviour. I played head games with people to try and make them do things that I wanted them to do. The reason for this awareness is because for well over the last year it has been being done to me. First, it happened on my birthday, when I was still in the hospital for cancer treatment. It was a lonely time. Yes, my wife visited me everyday that she could and when she wasn’t there we talked by phone.
We come into this world exposed. Our whole selves open for display. Our minds to fragile, with no experience to be ashamed or be shy with our exposure. As we age, we begin to build little walls around us, not letting everyone see the "real" person. We begin to gain friends and our parents send us to school, and slowly we begin to expose ourselves in a different way. We share our secrets and visions with our "best" friends. We develop a sense of trust. At this young age, our trust is blind and more times then not, we are betrayed. Our secrets are revealed and our walls go up a little higher.
Strength comes in many forms. It can come by having pure physical strength. A 180 pound man, lifting 225 pounds above his head would be considered strong. A different type of strength would be a person with stamina. Another 180 pound man, can lift five pounds over his head, yet he can run a marathon in under three hours… then turn around and run five more miles the next day. A different type of strength but still very strong.
With the weather changing and the days getting longer, it is easier to get outside and get some fresh air. Shortly after my heart surgery the weather turned cold and it was hard to get out. I remember one morning going to get some groceries and I forgot to wear a hat. My head got cold and I got extremely dizzy.
It is coming up on a year since I was diagnosed with cancer. An amazing year it has been. A year of strength, as well as a year of fear. It has been filled with a sense of accomplishment as well as disappointment. I have experienced the whole emotional gauntlet for the last 12 months.
My favorite recovery author is John Bradshaw. He is the one who introduced me to the idea of the inner child. And he also helped me understand that alcoholism is never a primary illness, but rather it is a secondary disease. Bradshaw believes that the primary illness is co-dependency or as he ...
Recently I learned a former co-worker I knew in Nebraska was diagnosed with throat cancer. I wouldn’t wish any cancer on my worst enemy, but having gone through throat cancer I know first hand how difficult the treatment can be. My ex-wife hand breast cancer and I watched her go through chemo and radiation, so when I was given the news that my treatment would consist of six chemo sessions and thirty radiation sessions I was ecstatic. I remembered how violently ill she got with chemo and while she got tired with radiation it was a lot easier on her than chemo.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Something has been bothering me for the last couple of years and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until just recently. A series of events gave me that “ah-ha” moment. Amazingly, it started with Donald Trump. Sorry, I can’t say thank you to him for that because what started the awakening was reading an article from Trump’s ghost writer and a quote he used to describe Trump. Confidence without humility is delusion. What a powerful quote. A thought that involves a wonderful word to me – humility.
Something has bothered me for a long time. The use and understanding of the phrase “Real Dad.” A real dad, to me, is someone who raises you, who guides you, and sets an example for a healthy way to live with some morals attached. So many people come from blended families and two of my three marriages, I've been a step-dad. From my own experience, while at times you are accepted as someone who cares, for the most part you are considered “only a step-dad.”
In my opinion, there are some addictions that are harder to deal with then others. Don't get me wrong, every addiction is extremely difficult to stop. But some addictions can be praised by society as a whole. One that comes readily to mind is a workaholic. Management praises a great worker. But when that worker becomes a terror to his co-workers, or takes his work home with him - then he has an addiction. A powerful addiction that gets support from his superiors.
As a teenager and young adult my main hobby, let me change that, my only hobby was partying. I was functional in school as far as grades go but everything revolved around partying. It didn't matter if it was alcohol or drugs, I wanted to party and whatever means it took to get there I would do it.