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Browse every published article connected to Dr. Neill Neill, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
Articles
Browse every published article connected to Dr. Neill Neill, or search within this exact expert archive.
You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him. It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
Lately you’ve been finding yourself stewing about how you’ll handle your last child leaving home, and you need to talk with your husband about it. You start to tell him what you’re feeling, but his eyes glaze over and he tunes you out. You wonder how it came to this and if it’s fixable? You used to be able to talk about anything. Just to be clear, I should point out that I hear this almost as often from men as from women. Wives tune out their husbands too…
Relationships are the heart and soul of our society. If our relationships with others were to disappear, most of us would feel all meaning slipping away from our lives. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents and extended family, our co-workers and our friends help to create what we become in life. We are a social species. Relationships unfortunately can falter. And when your relationship with your life partner is faltering, you need to act decisively.
As you contemplate entering a committed relationship, the greater your neediness, or his, the more likely codependency, dysfunction and disappointment will follow. Focus on what you want, not on what you need. I once knew a woman who as a teen dated a man in his twenties. He had a strong need to get married and the teen wasn’t ready. The pressure to fulfill his need increased until one day he lay down on the railway tracks with a train coming. He’d rather die than be without her. She caved. Use your imagination as to where that marriage went.
Sam has been charged with impaired driving twice. He drinks every weekend and he drinks a lot. His wife and other family members report that his personality changes when he drinks and he becomes mean. The next day he can’t remember much of what happened when he was drinking.
Life is full of events that lead to personal distress. And stress can build upon stress which can lead to marriage problems. If one of you drinks to reduce stress, in time the drinking itself causes stress and becomes a major roadblock to solutions. Quite naturally, you look around to see what’s causing your distress and the only person there is your spouse, so you instinctively blame him or her for upsetting you. Blaming your spouse is a gut reaction that escalates marriage problems, because it generates resentment and alienation. It is the Achilles’ heel of an intimate relationship.r
As drinking and driving becomes less tolerated, many communities have volunteer programs, as well as paid services, to get people home safely if they’ve been drinking and shouldn’t drive. Their existence is a reminder that parties, family gatherings, weddings and other celebrations push up alcohol consumption.
There is a third critical factor to bear in mind when questioning the functioning of a so-called “functioning alcoholic.” The first factor to consider was whether the alcoholic is functioning generally in life, or just in one aspect of life, like his job. The second factor was whether the alcoholic is achieving his potential and pursuing his dreams, not just getting by. The third factor has to with how long the “functioning,” at whatever level, can last in the presence of alcohol abuse.
Anger is a normal healthy emotion, albeit a negative one. We all have anger issues at one time or another. When you experience anger, it is your body trying to tell you something is wrong, that “something is rotten in Denmark.” But what? Not understanding your body’s message can lead to accusing your spouse of making you angry, or alte atively, stuffing the anger to avoid a fight. Either approach ultimately leads to reduced communication, distancing and alienation from your partner.
Jackie asked me how many drinks could her husband have in a day before she should worry. She says he drinks three or four beers in the evening on work nights and a lot more on weekends when he doesn't have to go to work the next day. She thinks he may be a functioning alcoholic. Kevin worries that his wife's three or four glasses of wine in the evening could be the beginning of alcoholism. Alcoholism runs in her family.
People addicted to alcohol drink compulsively and often claim to have an addictive personality. It is a convenient myth. I heard of a dentist who approached his dental work with compulsive attention to detail. His crowns had to fit perfectly. He was fanatical about bite adjustment and his workspace cleanliness was impeccable--all things I like to see in a dentist, because I do not like pain . . . or recalls.
First off, let me be clear I am not talking about living outside society’s rules and expectations. If you shoplift, run a grow-op, drink and drive, smoke in the presence of others or abuse your family, there will always be people telling you how to live; there is no age limit… Growing up
We normally associate alcoholism with increased tolerance to alcohol. Alcoholics often are able to drink a great deal before the usual symptoms of intoxication kick in — slurred speech, falling asleep, getting loud, poor balance, and poor judgment which could lead to and accident or a DUI charge. However, there are exceptions. Some functioning alcoholics do indeed show signs of intoxication with as little as a single drink. There are at least two different reasons why this might happen.
In Greek mythology Narcissus was a handsome, proud man who disdained those who loved him. He fell in love with his own beautiful reflection in a pool, and because he couldn’t stop looking at it, he starved to death. Narcissists have a great deal of resistance to change, basically because they cannot see a need for changing perfection. Narcissism is the epitome of insight-free self-centeredness. In the modern world the “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” represents the extreme end of the continuum of narcissism…
Mutual support can be a double-edged sword. Joining a support group can lead to renewal, likening it to pressing the REFRESH button on life. However, a support group can also keep you stuck pressing the REPLAY button and hearing the same thing over and over. The picture of your life can get out of focus.
I recently received an e-mail from a woman who believes her husband is a functioning alcoholic. Joan (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. Although a few details are changed or left out for privacy reasons, Joan began with: "I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting . . . " Joan went on to make the following points:r
Will You Use this Key Step to Change your Life? Commitment is one key to losing weight, getting in shape, learning a new skill, finding your soul mate, getting a better job, learning a new language, running a marathon, going back to school, drinking less, spending time with your kids or communicating better with your partner. Commitment gets things going. You may be one of those people who can commit to personal change and follow through just like the women in the weight-loss adds on TV. If so, congratulations! But, for the rest of us, it's not always that easy.
Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue. A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form.
Some of the old notions about marriage relationships, often stated as wise truths by our grandmothers, are still floating around and are still doing damage. One of my grandmother’s favorites was “Never let the sun set on an argument.” Silly idea number one: never go to bed angry. I swallowed that one at about aged five. Then in my 20s my wife and I would argue half the night rather than go to sleep without settling the issue.
In the 1950s and 60s most adults in North America smoked cigarettes or other tobacco products. We thought nothing of it. However, increasing research evidence of tobacco health risks began to overpower the tobacco industry’s portrayal of smoking as safe and cool. As the evidence mounted, increasing numbers of people quit smoking or never started. The voices of those wanting smoke-free workplaces and restaurants got louder than the chorus of smokers shouting, “It is my inalienable right to smoke whenever and wherever I want to.”
Volumes have been written on the importance of taking responsibility. Some of it is psychological, some of it legalistic and much of it moralistic. This article is about taking responsibility for your own emotions, with a focus on marital conflict. An argument typically starts over something small. If it can be nipped in the bud, it’s nothing. But sometimes it escalates to the emotional boiling point, where voices are raised and both parties are hurling unrepeatable expletives at each other. Alte atively, one or both parties may slip into a seething silence.
Recently a reader left a question on my site about the symptoms of neuropathy. Her question was, "What is alcoholic neuropathy? I have heard the term and am interested in understanding it." She went on to add the comment, "It is just amazing when you read the comments from other people, and it is like they are just describing the events of your own life." Alcoholic Neuropathy: Symptoms
One time in a land far away a client asked me if I could help her save her 15-year marriage. Her husband was threatening to leave her, was stonewalling and was generally emotionally cold, but she said he was willing to see me. I worked with him for several months, and they stayed together. However, one day a year later as I was preparing to leave the community, she approached me, very troubled. This is what she said: “You’ve turned my husband into everything I ever wanted in a husband. But I don’t want to be with him.”
We meet people everyday who have recovered or are in recovery from a major life changing event. Some deem themselves as survivors, and some just positively live their lives looking forward to the future (a thriver). What are the differences between a thriver, a survivor and a person in recovery? A thriver is someone who grows vigorously, flourishes, or realizes goals despite circumstances. Thrivers are active agents in creating their futures. They look forward to an ever better future. They have a knowing that when setbacks come, they will land on their feet.
In The Functioning Alcoholic: Gaps in Functioning I argued that doing one’s job is not one’s only function in life. For the alcoholic to consider himself to be “functioning” he has to function in various areas of life, not just on the job. In Can the Functioning Alcoholic Last?: Part Three I tackle the issue of using the term “functioning” when the alcohol leads to an early death. Abandoned Dreams and Under-achievement