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Browse every published article connected to Gary Direnfeld, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
Articles
Browse every published article connected to Gary Direnfeld, or search within this exact expert archive.
People turn to counselling, be it individual, marital, family or group, at times having done little or no homework on the service provider. There is more to choosing a counselor then simply picking up the phone and making an appointment. Anyone may call himself or herself a counselor, so ...
Separated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! Separated parents in high conflict have a way of dragging others into their dispute. Not just family friends, and neighbours, but every professional associated with the children. The parents seek to bolster their claims to ...
Cross Cultural Conundrums His parents just won’t leave us alone. They drop by unexpectedly; his mother rearranges my kitchen cupboards; they get angry if we don’t visit them every weekend. I want to have a life, alone with my husband! Meanwhile; She is so cold and distant that her behaviour appears disrespectful and I am left defending her to my family who doesn’t understand why I married her. I wish she would get along with my family.
While most people immediately go to memory loss as a primary deficit of dementia, there are other issues which can create havoc for coping be it by the affected person or support persons. Chief among those other issues are anosognosia, confabulation and disinhibition.
Immigrant families to Canada and the United States can face many issues complicating their adjustment to the new host culture. Often unconsidered is the implications for intra-familial culture clash when children take to the host culture sooner or more wholeheartedly than their parents. Risk ...
Marriages On The Cusp There are three general scenarios that bring couples to counselling. There are those couples that are jointly committed to the relationship and are seeking improvement. There are those couples that are jointly seeking to dissolve the relationship and are seeking to manage ...
Jump the Pond Every one was raised in a particular pond: Their home, their community. And in that pond, the fish tend to look alike and swim in schools of similar fish. The pond becomes familiar; it is what the person knows. It is the sum of their experience. It is their normal, even if polluted.
Ah, Newlyweds… then reality sets in. The wedding day is met with much anticipation. Bright eyed, eager, some butterflies, plans in place. So much thought and preparation for a single event. Then the honeymoon and then back to real life. There is often magical thinking that goes into a wedding. ...
Question: Gary, I heard another psychologist state that counseling is not beneficial for children under 12 because they see things so literally and are not able to consider the concepts and abstract. Would you agree? ( I think I paraphrased her correctly). I am curious about your thoughts on this subject. Thank you. Answer: Like so many other issues in life, the answer is, “It depends.” Let me unpack that:
Working with parents whose marriages are on the cusp of failure or already separated parents fighting it out over the care of their children is a challenging proposition for the mental health professional. Whether acting in the role of couple therapist, mediator, assessor, arbitrator or parenting coordinator, there is a sub-group of persons for whom none of these services provide relief.
Parents are saying discipline, consequences, time out and sticker’s don’t work. Parents are presenting as more and more defeated when it comes to managing the behavior of their children. They have a long list of tried that – didn’t work scenarios including many of the more popular parenting programs. What’s up with that? Why does it seem near impossible to get kids to listen? What can parents do differently?
Assessing and Managing School-Age Children with Behavioral Problems Your child is about 7 years old. The teacher reports problems listening in class, sitting still and getting into conflict with peers. First thought always seems to be ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). But what if ...
Reconciliation Counselling Some people look across the great divide of a fractured relationship feeling it can never exist again. In such situations, the parties may be at odds with respect to their version of events. They may feel there must be agreement on the version of events, without which ...
Check Ingredients Before Blending Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. If you are looking at “blending” consider these points to facilitate the children’s adjustment: 1. Have a suitable courtship period. The purpose of courtship is to ...
Kids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute Forget about the last minute gift shopping. The real issue for separated parents this season is who gets what time with the kids. With divorce seemingly as popular as marriage, more and more kids will be subject to the annual access ...
Teaching kids healthy eating is not a lecture, it is a parental practice through which children observe and learn. Further, although kids may whine and squirm and even outright reject what’s on the plate, parents must come to realize that being held hostage by childish control strategies only ...
The Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man Truly abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner: 1. Denialr
On Coping with Death… Death. It hits hard and with a loved one, no matter what the preparation, the loss is heartfelt. Now imagine you are a child. Coping with the death of a parent in childhood will be different depending on the age of the child and the nature of the relationship. While all ...
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Can a child choose which parent to live with? Sometimes parents involve their children in custody, residency and access matters hoping the opinion of the child sways the outcome. At other times, children may seek to initiate a change themselves. The child’s desire may be ...
Let’s say you are involved in a litigation (court) process to address a parenting dispute and it looks like that train is careening out of control. You can’t foresee using mediation or collaborative law because either you or your former partner won’t agree to this. There may be a custody/access assessment you view as unfavorable and perhaps wrong or biased or inadequate and your lawyer has likely warned you or may even be evasive about the prospects of you winning your case.
Even though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years prior to informing their partner, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship. For the children, the shock is often even greater. To intensify matters befalling the children, the spouse who ...
The Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to extra-curricular activities, education, faith and health. If there are particular needs or wants by either parent or regarding the child specifically those can be included too.
Forget your parents choosing your date. Forget going to a dance club to meet and get to know people. Forget hitting a bar to meet others. Enter Tinder.
Parental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs For the most part pregnancies are met with the anticipation of a good delivery and healthy baby. Upon delivery parents do a quick scan of the child checking for ten fingers, ten toes and if unknown, a check of the genitals to determine gender. A ...
Someone really really difficult to get along with? Most people get along with others. There might be the odd bit of friction between a person or two, but for the most part, most people get along. There is a sub-group of people however, that don’t seem to get along with almost anyone. These ...
Normal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the ...
Separating? Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing care ...
Major Depression and Family While most people have experienced a period of feeling down or blue, those who experience major depression experience a far more profound sense of feeling overwhelmed by dread and despair. Their feelings may be independent of, somewhat dependent upon and at times fully connected to life experiences. Often the intensity of the feelings will appear disproportionate to outside observers. It is believed that such individuals are genetically and biologically predisposed to such depression and that their depression is neuro-chemically mediated.
Coping with depression requires one’s partner and family to understand the difference between depression and sadness. Sadness usually refers to a sense of loss, grief or upset in response to an event typically recent in one’s life. While sadness can be intense, it usually runs its course as the person acclimatizes to the impact of the event or otherwise is able to change the conditions related to the event.
Some people are in abusive relationships. They say they stay because when it’s good, it’s very good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad, it is also very bad. So, some people weigh the good against the bad and it seems to come out even. Not so. Abusive relationships must be assessed when under duress. ...
Imagine… A Collaborative Approach To Divorce There is a movement in family law whereby divorcing couples can sign agreements with lawyers to not go to court. More specifically, the process is known as Collaborative Family Law (CFL) and the agreement to not go to court is binding upon the ...
When a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems Some children present with an abundance of challenges involving academic functioning, communication and physical difficulties. Combined these children face a remarkable struggle keeping up with their ...
Five sure-fire signs you need couple counseling… Your relationship has been unsatisfying for some time. You’ve been toying with the idea of getting help, but just how do you know when you need to see a counselor? Here are five sure-fire signs: 1. No time together:
Need counseling? People see me because of my unique approach. Let me explain…. How we see the world and handle our adult life is so influenced by our experiences growing up.
Think of parenting on a pendulum. As it swings one way, a parents parenting style may be inadvertently ineffective. There may be multiple warnings; a meek tone of voice; too many options; too much praise; asking versus telling; bargaining; rewards greater than appropriate. In this scenario, the preschooler learns that s/he doesn’t need to really listen to the parent. The child winds up getting their own way. The child may learn to pitch a tantrum and the parent gives in. The child hurts another or oneself and the parent gives in.
Assessing Change You’ve been for counselling and you are not sure if it is working. Part of you feels nothing has changed and another part feels like something is different. You are probably right on both counts. Most folks when seeking change look for dramatic differences. When results are ...
The Long Arm Of Domestic Violence Public attention to domestic violence tends to focus on the immediacy of the problem. In other words when the average persons thinks about domestic violence, thoughts go to the fright of the victim in the situation and physical harm caused. Media attention ...
The Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions What if you really needed only one New Years resolution? It could be the granddaddy of all resolutions and cover off all things from more time with the kids to quitting smoking and even saving money. Well, there is one such resolution and it comes ...
Parents can help prevent teen driver car crashes Whenever one gets behind the wheel of a car the process of risk assessment begins. This is why drivers look both ways before entering the roadway. The driver is determining issues of risk before taking action. Often, the driver is also trying to ...
Children and Parents Adjust to Separatio You haven’t separated physically yet, but the ink is dry on your parenting plan agreement and you are ready to go your separate ways. Now reality bites! Although many parents don’t talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, ...
There is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words in English best to translate this Jewish word are; empathy, compassion, mercy and charity.
My dad was a veteran. He fought overseas in WW2. He was in the Canadian Intelligence Service and essentially, was a spy chaser. He was stationed a good part of his service in Italy where he learned to speak fluent Italian. He and one of his buddies arrested an Italian woman thought to be a Nazi sympathizer. Turns out she was coerced into being a translator for the Nazi’s. My dad’s buddy returned after the war and married that woman. Later on, they bought the farm near to our cottage and I had the pleasure of enjoying her pasta.
How long does it take to rebuild trust? Sometimes it’s couples where one partner has had an affair. Other times it’s between parents and a teen where the teen has stolen, lied or has been doing drugs. The issue is trust and the question is, “How long does it take to rebuild trust when ...
The Pre-Marital Toilet Test We enter marriage with hopes, aspirations and faith. When marital discord strikes we are overcome with disillusionment. A year into the marriage, the notion of “tell death do us part”, smacks us in the face like a glass of cold water. Not only do we enter into ...
Do you practice safe technology? If you think you do, think twice. There is no such thing. No matter what the privacy settings, whenever you use social media you are leaving a digital footprint of something. It can be as little as your location; who you are connected to; what you have just been shopping for; what you have just been viewing. With just that, you can receive targeted ads, links to websites and other content based on the analysis of those little data-bits left behind.
You are in conflict with your former partner. You see a family lawyer who tells you s/he can be of assistance. The lawyer offers to send a letter of introduction to your former partner or their lawyer and in so doing, sets the tone for the process of settlement. That first communication often describes a one-sided perspective to the situation; who is responsible for what; and what is required to resolve the matter – again, all one-sided. Naturally what occurs next is a reply, offering again a one-sided perspective but from the other person’s point of view.
If you get hung up on the quantum of time, you may lose sight of the quality of your relationship now and for the future. At the end of the day some separated parents fight tooth and nail over how the children’s time will be divvied up between them. Children are even drawn into the dispute, feeling a need to fight on a parent’s behalf. Parents whose children who are drawn into the dispute may find their children suffering emotionally and even academically. If emotionally, the parent may not even be aware as the child may seek to protect the parent from their upset.
Understanding Is Not Enough In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time ...
here is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words in English best to translate this Jewish word are; empathy, compassion, mercy and charity.
So what’s up when a kid reaches age two? Many parents are ready to pull their hair out when their kids reach this age… and it continues for about a year to a year and a half. Parents of younger infants are lulled into a sense of ease when their son or daughter reaches about 6 months. By this time infants are usually sleeping well through the night, able to sit in a high chair, can amuse themselves with play and are enthralled with mom and dad’s gaze and smile. To many, parenting at this stage appears easy and there is no way of appreciating just what lies ahead.