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Browse every published article connected to Gary Direnfeld, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
Articles
Browse every published article connected to Gary Direnfeld, or search within this exact expert archive.
Not all depressions are the same and getting it right matters. Broadly speaking, depression can be divided into two types, exogenous and endogenous. This is not to say that any particular depression is necessarily one or the other. There can be factors of both at play and to different degrees.
Cyber-bullying is the deliberate and systematic harassing or defaming of an individual through derogatory postings and comments on the Internet.
Counseling remains a viable strategy to cope with or change issues affecting one’s life. However, there are often many hurdles ahead of attending. Those hurdles are related to fears, misconceptions and even horror stories about counseling.
Verbal abuse refers to the use of language as a means to control or subordinate another person for either self-gratification or to impose one’s view or will on another or to gain an unfair advantage in resolving a dispute. While both parties subject to a dispute may use inappropriate language with the other, verbal abuse has the distinction of one party typically causing more distress to the other party, and causing insecurities in that party typically for the purpose of exploitation.
Remembering Family Traditions Every family has their own traditions. The ways they manage regular occurring events such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even losses. The tradition dictates how these events are to be practiced and who is to attend. Built in to the tradition is the expectation that those involved will continue to be involved and follow their same roles and implicit rules. The family tradition makes for a shared experience and history between family members. The experience of the family tradition gives family members a common ground, a basis to their relationship.
Pre-Marital Counseling In View Of Abuse My boyfriend and I getting married in a few months and I am worried because although he is so great, he does have a temper. When he gets mad he becomes scary. At times he yells and screams and at other times he throws and breaks things. He’s only hit me once. I know he doesn’t mean it, but I find myself walking on eggshells. Other than that, we get along great. He is amazing and we have so much in common and we really have an amazing relationship.
Even though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone.
Like schools of fish, teens who abuse drugs and alcohol tend to hang in the same crowd. They garner a kind of moral support or legitimacy from like-minded and behaving peers for their drug and alcohol consumption. Further, when drug and alcohol consumption reaches the abuse stage, they are seen ...
People who drink to excess, where their drinking causes distress to others, are frequently caught in a web of denial and minimization. These persons are unable to see or unable to admit that their drinking is adversely affecting their own life and that of others. Typically, this person excuses ...
If you are in an abusive relationship and are seeking to separate or divorce from your partner, your safety may be at risk and your ability to achieve a reasonable separation agreement may be compromised. Abusive relationships are characterized by one party seeking power and control over the ...
Teen’s First Job A teen’s first job is a right of passage. It provides the teen the ability to earn money independently and teaches them new meanings for responsibility. The first job also enlightens the teen to the responsibilities of the parents and for many, makes them appreciative not only ...
Some separated or divorced parents continue to find themselves in ongoing disputes, even in view of separation agreements and parenting plans. The high-conflict nature of those disputes interferes with the well-being of the children and continually brings these parents to Court for ...
In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time out, loss of a privilege, ...
Is It Safe? Marital or couple counseling is an intimate experience that by design enables couples to disclose and address issues held secret. Those issues held secret may be from each other or from outsiders – including therapists. Once the word is out there though, the next issue is how each person will react. Even the mere anticipation of secrets unfolding can give rise to conce for inappropriate and even dangerous reactions.
Your children are listening and sometimes watching too. It is a myth to think yelling and screaming, pushing, shoving, throwing of objects and hitting between parents does not affect their children. Consider the child’s perspective. Children are wholly dependent upon their parents for safety ...
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Affairs Are About Anything But Love Participants present affairs as arising by chance and based upon love and mutual adoration. The relationship advances from flirtation to infatuation. This can happen quickly or over considerable time. Eventually there is an expectation that the affair advance ...
Some parents of teens confuse their parenting role with that of friend. In so doing, they abdicate their parental authority and minimize their ability to provide direction, guidance, limits and structure. In such cases parents may feel their teenaged son or daughter must like them. The parent ...
Bless the Coach Be it t-ball, baseball, soccer or hockey, most little league coaches are there for the love of children. For some it’s even more personal. Their kid is on the team. The value of participation by children in little league sports is manifold. Children get to learn the game, ...
Am I Fat? Most husbands would agree that to hear that question from their wife is akin to being asked to boil oneself in oil. However, what about when a child asks or needs to be informed? As recently reported (July 2006), the American Medical Association and the Center for Disease Control ...
My Child is Odd The child may act the class clown. The child may prefer to hang out with the adults. The child likely uses phrases, innuendo, jokes or sarcasm heard from others, but uses them inappropriately, at the wrong time, with the wrong persons. The child has a poor sense of boundaries, ...
Getting Kids Out Of The Cross Fire Heaven help those children whose separated parents are involved in a litigious parenting dispute. Not only might the children have to contend with possible sub-standard parenting as often alleged in various forms, but many children are also subject to the ...
There is a dynamic that naturally evolves when parents only see lawyers to determine their ongoing relationship to children, post separation or divorce. Regardless of the disposition of the lawyer, on the mind of the parent, is winning or coming away with a particular outcome. The parent races ...
Settling Custody and Access Disputes… Court, Counselling, Mediation, Parenting Coordinator: What’s the difference? Parents who are separated need to sort out the ongoing care of their children. Statistically, most do so between themselves without any help or support from outside resources. ...
Who’s in charge anyways? It’s not uncommon to find parents and grandparents living together with everyone minding the young. In fact, by many cultures, this is a very normal situation that works well for everyone. It tends to work best when everyone knows his or her place and it is clear who is ...
Let Go To Wi Monkey hunters have an ingenious way to trap their prey. They carve a small hole into a gourd and then hollow it out. Into the gourd they place a small piece of fruit or some nuts. They strap the gourd to a tree and then wait. In a little while a monkey shows up and sniffs at the ...
One of the many problems for children exposed to domestic violence, is that for some, it comes to be included amongst their own interpersonal management strategies. Children exposed to domestic violence learn the use of violence as a strategy to mediate their needs and wants. They see the ...
The First Few Years Of School As a preschooler, your child was well behaved and didn’t exhibit any particular problems. Next your child enters school, perhaps Kindergarten, and then Grade one. Slowly issues with some classes and subjects appear. Maybe they are thought nothing of in Grade one, ...
How Do You Rate Your Separatio When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater ...
Choosing Mr. Right Some women find it difficult finding Mr. Right. They may be jumping into the relationship too quickly. These strategies may save a lot of disappointment and hurt: Determine if this should even get started: For whatever reason, men of limited virtue seem to have radar for ...
Conflict of Libidos? Libido refers to sexual drive. Over the course of the human life span, libido can increase or decrease depending upon numerous factors. Those factors can be divided into biological, psychological and social. Of the biological factors, a woman’s menstrual cycle is ...
It almost doesn’t matter what triggered it. What matters is it is escalating out of control. Someone in your home is going ballistic. Someone is losing it and there is a risk of property damage and/or a physical altercation. It is already scary. Very scary. These are situations not to be taken lightly. Emotional harm has already occurred and now there is a risk of physical harm. This is already a traumatic situation that will live on as another family story. But what do you do in the moment?
When we talk about sexual abuse, we differentiate between intra-familial (from within the family) and extra-familial (from outside the family). When from within, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust people who are closest to them. When from outside the family, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust those around them, but who aren’t family.
A parent called seeking counseling for their adult son. The young man had plenty of issues. The issues were long-standing. I explained that given the parent called, I would begin by meeting with both parents first. I advised that by meeting with the parents first, I could obtain a better developmental history and that at times, there were clues in the developmental history that helped to understand the present day issues.
It just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a horrible unplanned life event is normal.
Each year I see many people addicted to alcohol. At times they come to the session smelling of booze while still denying drinking. They play the game, “if you didn’t see me do it, it didn’t happen” as if seeing is the only sense of detection and smelling doesn’t count. I have long since recognized I can’t help everybody. The issue then becomes, what does the intimate partner or family do? I always recommend Al-Anon and Ala-teen. However, few of the intimate partners actually follow through. They continue to cajole or argue with their partner about their consumption.
In addition to my counseling practice for most matters of family life, I frequently provide workshops. This week, three: one for parents of high school students, one for parents of elementary students and the third for students in grades 5, 6 and 7. As in all my parent workshops, I ask what issues they are facing and what they would like me to speak about. Both groups advised of unmanageable behavior and a disconnect between themselves and their kids.
A parent called me asking for me to provide an assessment. I explained I do not provide court involved services anymore and explained why. The caller asked for a referral to someone who did. I offered the name of a respected colleague. The caller emailed thereafter and included in the email messages that had been posted about the colleague on the Internet. The postings portrayed my colleague quite terribly. The caller wanted to understand how I could refer to such a person. My reply was this:
When locked in bitter conflict, sometimes people resort to court. This can result in poor outcomes as the court is more limited in terms of solutions that can be ordered. What is needed is a flexible approach to service and services that are actually structured to address specific issues. Here are four examples of specific issues and services that may be helpful: ———————
Mediation is not a single event, not a one-time meeting where magically issues are resolved. No. Mediation is a process that occurs with very predictable steps. Understanding these steps to the process can help you manage through the process. Separated parents entering mediation may meet greater success understanding these steps and their role within.
Persons subject to domestic violence (or violence in the context of any relationship) may need protection from the perpetrator of violence. To protect oneself, one can go to a place of greater safety (no place is 100% safe, although most women’s shelters offer a number of safeguards to provide a very high degree of security.) If living together, the perpetrator of abuse may leave voluntarily or may be required to leave the residence.
Your behavior, how you conduct yourself at the negotiating table can work for you or against you. Remember, this is a negotiating table, not a court of law or arbitrator’s office. In negotiating, there is little to prove and all to negotiate. Negotiation is about how to move forward, not prove who necessarily did what. The service provider is there to help you both reach a resolution between yourselves.
You finally recognize that your adversarial battle isn’t resolving your dispute. You’re draining your resources both financially and emotionally. You don’t believe your former partner would ever negotiate a truce, let alone a settlement. Mediation is discussed and one person says they’ll go but also says they won’t budge on their position. You may feel firm about your position too. What do you do? Go!
Do you have a partner, a colleague, a friend, a loved one where everything is a challenge and every conversation becomes a competition; where if they don’t get their way, there is hell to pay; where they are relentless in their pursuit; where somehow or other they are always right; where if they lose, someone else is always to blame? Then that person may have a High Conflict Personality (HCP). They may be a High Conflict Person (HCP)
Last year ended in a huff. When school let out, the pressure was off and the behaviour subsided. Some kids don’t fare well at school. Come the new school year, parents worry and wonder, “Will it be different this year?” Maybe the situation will be different: Perhaps maturation over the summer; perhaps the first day of school pep talk or warning; maybe a different teacher; it may be a new school. By the end of the first month and certainly by the second month you know. But what if things haven’t changed? What if school related problems persist?
I read an interesting few lines in an article by William E. Krill, Jr. L.P.C. The article is entitled, The Child Victim of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Parent. Although he is writing about the experience of children and the non NPD parent, he also writes about counselors working with persons with NPD. Accordingly:
It just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a horrible unplanned life event is normal.