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Remember the first episode of The Sopranos? In that groundbreaking HBO series, mafia don Tony Soprano finds himself losing it when the ducks leave his pool. When he goes to a psychiatrist, he learns that he has suffered a panic attack. What is a panic attack? Where do they come from? Why do people get them? Can they be prevented? What do you do when you have one?
What is the psychology that makes you feel anxious? How can you find relief from the symptoms of anxiety? Here’s the way it works. Our body has a built in Inner Alarm System. This system exists to protect us when we are in danger. When we feel we are at risk of harm, this system turns on and makes us want to run, fight, or play dead. If the part that tells us to fight wins, we feel angry. If the body plays dead, we feel depressed or humiliated. If the part that tells us to run is strongest, we feel, anxious.
Ch’i is the prime energy of the universe. This can be correlated to “the sacred fire” of the Upanishads. The Indians, too, located this energetic source in the heart. “I know . . . that sacred fire which leads to heaven. Listen. That fire which is the means of attaining the infinite worlds, and is also their foundation, is hidden in the sacred place of the heart.”
Many years ago, when I was searching for the answer to life, I thought I’d find it by going to the end of the world. That was the instructio I found in all the stories. You climbed the mountain, found the guy with the long beard, and he’d give you the secret. You’d come down a changed man, everything clear, all the doubts gone. You’d know what to do and how to do it.
FAIRY TALES AND THE INNER MALEFICENT In the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty, at the party that celebrates the birth of the new princess, an evil witch named Maleficent shows up and ruins the whole event. She puts a curse on the infant that destines her to a painful existence. Who is this nefarious character that makes an appearance in many different guises in endless stories? The truth is, there is a Maleficent who lives in each of us. All of the explorers of the human condition have recognized that we are not a unity.
In order to accomplish our life goals we need self-confidence. What is self-confidence, where does it come from, and how do we cultivate it? Mencius, my favorite Chinese Sage, believed that confidence comes from "ch'i," the universal source of energy.
We are all looking to end our emotional suffering and solve our life's problems. We long to answer: How can we find love, stop being so anxious, lose weight, make money, have more energy, have a better marriage, raise happy children? The answer to our life's problems is simple. The reason we suffer is because we have lost contact with our true selves. Let's find out what it means to be our true self, and how to live the best life we can have.
In Part One we learned the importance of accepting and learning about your child's condition. In Part Two we learned about the necessity of finding your child a great mentor. In Part Three we will learn the ways your child needs your involvement to find their way to health and happiness.
What is This Strange Thing Called Chemistry? As a psychotherapist, I have many clients who are searching for love. When I ask them what they are looking for in a partner, they will usually start by saying, “I want someone I’m attracted to.” Unfortunately, when I ask them their reaction upon meeting a new person, they will almost invariably say, “I’m not attracted to them, or, we don’t have any chemistry.”
As we have learned in this series so far, fairy tales are ironic. They tell a truth so shocking that it can only be revealed in innocent children's stories. 2500 years ago, in Plato’s Republic, Socrates said the truth exposed in these stories was so dangerous that they should not be allowed to be read by children at all! Socrates spoke about one of the earliest Greek myths, the story of the origins of the universe. In this story, Uranus hated his children so much that he buried them in the darkest place. Then his son, Cronus, castrated him.
One of the clearest signs that you are experiencing anxiety is getting an attack of the “what-ifs.” The “what-ifs” are what happens when you you try to tell yourself that everything is going to be fine and then a voice pops into your head saying, “Yeah, but what if . . .?” Recognizing that “what-ifs” are not true and are simply a symptom of anxiety is an important step in finding a solution to this distress.
Father’s Day is about appreciating dads. I am a Dad, and I can use all the appreciatio I can get. In honor of this year’s festivities, let’s remember just how much influence dads can have in their kids’ lives. As a gift to all the dads out there – since you are so important, here is the best thing you can do to insure that your kids will turn out ok.
My psychotherapy client, David, is 32 years old. If anything, David is neat. His blond hair is closely cropped. He wears a Banana Republic iron-free shirt, pressed pants, and shiny black shoes. This is the uniform of a mid-level guy at a major law firm. His eyes are wide and confused. “I just don’t get it,” he tells me, “I think I’m doing everything right but my wife, Cindy, tells me she just isn’t getting her needs met.”
When people say, “That’s just a fairy tale!” they mean that what the person believes is a naive illusion, a lie told to the self. But this is the opposite of the truth. Fairy tales succeed because they wear the clothing of simplicity and innocence, when they are in actuality deadly serious. Fairy tales are ironic. In many tales there is a character with a name like “Dummling” who turns out to be the hero. The stories themselves wear the guise of such foolishness. They do this because telling the truth can be dangerous.
GA writes: I am 64 years old. I have arthritis in my knees. I stand up all day at work and ride a bus which takes hours to and from. I work on Saturdays and Sundays so that cuts out almost all of my social time I would have at church. Funds are very tight. Any suggestions for how to deal with the isolation and loneliness I feel. Dear GA, Thanks for reaching out. I hear this kind of story all the time. Too many people are going through the kind of thing your are struggling with these days.
We are all looking to end our emotional suffering and solve our life's problems.
It's true that guys need male mentors who can shepherd them into the advancing stages of life. But I've lately come to realize how some of the most important mentoring relationships I have had have been with women. I was brought to this realization through the miracle of modern technology. I've recently "connected" with two extraordinary women from my early adulthood who taught me invaluable life-lessons, and gave me life-changing opportunities.
Are you thinking about sex? Are you wondering if you should have it? Do you want to know the best way to do it? Are you embarrassed to admit that you don't know as much about sex as you pretend? You will get the best information here so you can learn everything you want to know about sex, be able to make the best decisions about sex, and learn how to be great in this area of your life. Hey parents, you may want to show this to your kids. Read on. Here is the first thing you need to know: sex is not intercourse.
On September 15, 2005 David and I went to see the Rolling Stones at Madison Square Garden. It was our way of celebrating our 50th birthdays, which came three weeks apart. David had been my best friend in high school. We only see each other once a year now. He is on the road 300 days a year traveling to places like Tajikistan to help people with the treatment and prevention of AIDS. We get together each year to celebrate the ridiculousness of how old we’re getting and how long we’ve known each other.
FAIRY TALES AND SHAME The true cause of the problems in our lives is revealed in stories like Snow White. When the queen discovers that Snow White is more beautiful than she, she determines that her heart should be cut out. Mothers can be so envious of their daughters that they will do all they can to prevent the child’s beauty from emerging. One client of mine was shocked when her mother tried to undermine her new love relationship by suggesting that her boyfriend was cheating on her.
Everyone has problems. People everywhere, and for all time, have been searching for an answer to the great mystery of human folly and self-inflicted suffering.
Around the time that the Sage, Mencius, lived, a great stirring was occurring in the hearts of humankind. German philosopher Karl Jaspers (1883-1969) referred to this time as the Axial Age, where axial means pivotal. Masters of wisdom appeared in India and Greece, as well as his home land, China. It was the time of Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Lao-Tzu, Buddha, the Indian writers of the Upanishads and the Bhagavad-Gita and Isaiah of the Old Testament, among others. It was also the time of Confucius and his disciples, the writers of the Chinese Classics, The Four Books.
When I First Met Phoebe Snow On April 26th, 2011 I read on Facebook that singer/songwriter Phoebe Snow had died. I walked into my hallway and stared at the gold record hanging on my wall with the cover and label of her second album, “Second Childhood,” on it. When someone dies we tend to memorialize the good only, but when I thought about my relationship with Phoebe my memories were more complicated than the typical hagiography.
Where does love come from? Contemporary science tells us that love is built into us. As the great researcher, Allan Schore, proves, we enter the world pre-wired to love the first person who takes care of us. Once an infant is born it works like this. When an infant sees his mother gazing at him with love in her eyes, happy neuro-chemicals flood the infant's brain. The child feels happy. He or she likes this feeling and wants more of it. This sets up an attachment to the source of this good feeling. Since the good feeling comes from mom, the kid starts to love mom.
What do people fear most? Many studies tell us that it is public speaking. In fancy language, fear of public speaking is called glossophobia. I’m going to tell you about a fun, inexpensive way to conquer your fear of public speaking that will make your life better in many other ways, as well.
In this series I explain the steps families need to follow in order to best help their troubled adult-child. To review the previous articles, here are the steps you need to follow in order to best help your adult-child in trouble. You need to be able to understand your childís condition and begin a process of taking responsibility for your part. You need to help your child find a terrific mentor/therapist who is not part of the family and can engage the child in a process of self-discovery. You need to become involved in the treatment as a family.
How can families help their grown children in trouble. In this step we will discuss creating an action plan.
How do we change? Change takes one tiny step, but to take that one step can require a journey of a thousand miles. So many of us can dream of the life we want to have and the person we want to be. It can be especially frustrating when we get to the stage in our adventure where we acknowledge our problems and have agreed to do the hard work of self-cultivation and still find change slow in coming. Despite our efforts, which may include years of therapy, we may still suffer from shame and self-denigration.
If you have read parts 1 through 5 of this series, you now have a terrific plan for helping your troubled adult-child. In this final part, I will discuss the importance of compassion, both for your child, and especially for yourselves as parents, as you work to make this plan work.
If you've been paying attention to current events, you've noticed that wherever there is a tyrant, sooner or later you find a rebel. Believe it or not, if you have a problem with procrastination, you've got a tyrant and a rebel inside of you. That is the cause of your difficulty with getting things done.
The legendary soul singer, Solomon Burke, died on October 10, 2010. The King was on his way to a gig in Amsterdam. I had the blessed fortune of working with King Solomon in 1983, remixing a live album of his for Rounder Records, called "Soul Alive." Of all the unique characters I got to work with in my years in the music biz, Mr. Burke was one of my favorite. Solomon told me that he had a Cadillac, a girl friend, a child, and a church in every city of America. He would land at the airport in, let's say, Chattanooga, Tennessee, and his car and woman would be waiting for him.
WHAT THE TALES TELL US WE NEED TO DO What do the tales tell us we need to do to find our hearts and become what we are meant to be? What Bruno Bettelheim says for children is equally true for adults. “Fairy tales, unlike any other form of literature, direct the child to discover his identity and calling, and they also suggest what experiences are needed to develop his character further.
Are you always blowing your top? Do you spend too much time fantasizing about strangling your boss? Do you feel bad for yelling at your spouse and kids? Have you jumped out of your car on the highway? Have you had to leave your kid's soccer game because you have threatened the coach? If you can answer yes to any of the above, (or are too close for comfort) you have an anger problem and you need anger management. When is anger a problem?
Recently Charles Blow of the New York Times cited some studies suggesting that people between the ages of 18 and 29 are “moving away from organized religion while simultaneously trying desperately to connect with their spirituality.” I believe this is true for vast numbers of people of all ages. We find ourselves in a time when untold numbers are searching for a deeper sense of fulfillment in their lives. People everywhere are looking for answers.
Every parent wants their children to feel good about themselves. There is a good reason for that; most psychological problems in adult life stem from a lack of good self-esteem. Here is a story from my own life that shows what kind of parenting is needed to build good self-esteem in children. Some time ago, I came home from work and walked in the house to discover that my 3-year-old daughter was standing on a window sill. (Now this was not a really high window sill, or one that posed any real danger.) She saw me and said, ìLook at me daddy!î
Monica faces a dilemma. Her 21-year-old daughter is failing in school. She is abusing alcohol. She's always had trouble, ever since 5th grade. She's been diagnosed with ADD. Her daughter refuses to get any help. Monica is afraid that her daughter will crash and burn. What should she do?
In Part One we learned that to help your troubled adult-child, you need to accept that the road will be long, but there is good reason to hope. The first step is to understand your child's condition. Once you begin to open yourself to learning and acceptance, what next? Get your child an outside mentor.
Statistics like 10% unemployment and reports of 50% pay cuts barely capture the pain and anxiety that so many of us are experiencing in today's struggling economy. How can we get through this rough period and also figure out how to succeed in such troubling times? How can we set the economic ship of the world on a course that minimizes this kind of distress in the future?
Ask any parent what they want for their children and they will say happiness. But what can parents do to insure their child’s well being? Imagine a scene. Soft warm lighting, gentle sounds. A close up on two faces. One, a mother, the other, her infant. Mom holds baby securely in her arms and gazes into her baby’s eyes. She smiles. Baby settles into mom’s hold, gurgles and smiles back. This scene has been repeated endless times.
Recently Charles Blow of the New York Times cited some studies suggesting that people between the ages of 18 and 29 are “moving away from organized religion while simultaneously trying desperately to connect with their spirituality.” I believe this is true for vast numbers of people of all ages. We find ourselves in a time when untold numbers are searching for a deeper sense of fulfillment in their lives. People everywhere are looking for answers.
Several years ago, I spent six months providing psychotherapy for inmates at the local county jail. Most were drug addicts; all of them had a heart. I had a close relationship with one wise felon, whom I will call Chris. I could see through Chris’s orange prison suit that he had a huge stiff ...
Several years ago, I spent six months providing psychotherapy for inmates at the local county jail. Most were drug addicts; all of them had a heart. I had a close relationship with one wise felon, whom I will call Chris. I could see through Chris’s orange prison suit that he had a huge stiff ...
This month a miracle occurred. Two of my psychotherapy clients fell in love. (Not with each other.) Falling in love is always a miracle. But this is different. Both of my clients are in their late 30’s. Neither of them have ever had a boyfriend that they like, have great sex with, and is nice. One is bringing a boyfriend home for Thanksgiving for the first time in his life. Now that is something to be thankful for.
What is social phobia? Where does it come from? Why do people have it? How can you get rid of it? At home, Gary told himself there was no point in going out tonight. He was sure to make a fool of himself, and he’d only end up feeling mortified. Walking out of his apartment, he felt like his legs weighed thousands of pounds. The voice in his head kept telling him to turn around.
In 2005 David and I went to see the Rolling Stones at Madison Square Garden. It was our way of celebrating our 50th birthdays, which came three weeks apart. David had been my best friend in high school. We only see each other once a year now. We get together each year to celebrate the ridiculousness of how old we're getting and how long we've known each other. Soon we will have been friends for 40 years.
What is the key to having a great marriage? The latest research shows us that people who have successful relationships say far more positive things to their partners than negative things. Here's the big news for all you people struggling in your relationships. Science has now proved the obvious: the key to a happy marriage is to be nice.
When we think of exploited workers we normally think of sweat-shops in a third world country, where people work for pennies a day in horrific conditions. But there is a new class of exploited worker right here in the U.S.A., no matter how much money you make, or your professional status. This all-too-common situation is leading to skyrocketing levels of anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and children's issues.