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Browse every published article connected to Margaret Paul, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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"Everybody is like a magnet. You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are. If you're friendly, then everybody else seems to be friendly too." --Dr. David Hawkins, Physician and Lecturer Have you ever noticed how true this is? I would change it a bit and say that we attract to ourselves what we choose to be in any given moment.
How often have you had the thought, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't... - Get angry, yell, curse, call names, say mean, untrue things about me - Project your behavior onto me - Withdraw, run away, shut down, sit spaced-out in front of the TV - Resist doing what I ask you to do - Look at other women, have an affair - ____________________ (fill in your own) I used to have this thought all the time.
Gretchen is typical of many of the clients that I work with. In our first session she said: I've been depressed on and off throughout my life. Medication helped for a while, but now all it does is make me feel more flat and empty. Life seems to have no meaning for me. Nothing looks beautiful. Nothing is compelling to me. I can't think of anything I really want to do. I've tried many forms of therapy but nothing has worked to heal my depression. I don't know why I'm here on this planet. What is it all about?
"We can't seem to connect anymore." This is one of the most common complaints I hear in my counseling practice. We all know that it is generally easy to connect at the beginning of a relationship - before all the protections and defenses come up. But what do you do to reconnect once you feel disconnected from each other? In order to answer this, let's first look at what creates disconnection. Emotional Disconnection
"He can who thinks he can, and he can't who thinks he can't. This is an indisputable law." - Henry Ford Have you ever noticed how often you say, "I can't"? "I can't lose weight." "I can't find my soul mate." "I can't find a job I love." "I can't take care of myself." "I can't heal this shame." "I can't get myself to exercise." "I can't find my passion."
"I can't seem to stop snacking," said Linda, in our phone session. "And I can't figure out why. I don't overeat during meals, but then I snack on things that I don't need to be eating. I've had this issue on and off since adolescence and I want to resolve it." "Linda, right now, take yourself back to the last time you snacked. See if you can tune into what was going on and what you were feeling."
Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over - primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible. I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues. I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:
One of the sad truths in our society is how empty many people feel, and the devastation their emptiness causes others through their resulting addictive behavior. We have all heard about the sexual acting-out of Anthony Weiner, A old Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards. We all know about the many famous people who end up in treatment centers for alcohol and drug addiction.
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." --Eleanor Roosevelt Why should most people be thinking about you? They are far more conce ed with what you are thinking about them to spend time thinking about you! Right now, take a moment to ponder the question: "How would I feel and what would I do differently if I never thought about what people think of me?" I pondered this question many years ago and discovered some things that changed my life:
I grew up with a very angry mother who would attack me out of the blue. As a highly sensitive only child, the fear and heartbreak of being treated so unlovingly was unbearable. So rather than feel the hurt, I numbed it out by learning to stay in my head rather than being present in my body, and by focusing on caretaking others' feelings. The only way I could survive was to not know that I was being so hurt.
"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." -- Kahlil Gibran Symptoms of enmeshed parenting:
Are you aware of how you may be hurting your partner? Are you aware of how your partner may be hurting you? Are you aware of the painful feelings of loneliness, heartache and heartbreak you likely feel when you are disconnected from your loved one and unable to share love?
Do you believe that being "perfect" gives you control over how people feel about you?" If you do, then you are coming from 3 big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness. False Belief #1 "I can have control over how people feel about me." Think for a moment whether or not others have control over how you feel about them. Can someone do everything "right" and be "perfect" in their own eyes, yet you don't enjoy being around them or you don't feel connected with them?
"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us." --Stephen R. Covey, Author and Speaker This is a powerful freedom. And, from my point of view, another way of putting this is that the ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide our own intent: - To protect against pain with our controlling behavior - To learn about what is loving to ourselves and others When our intent is to learn about love, that is when we get to decide how others will affect us.
Marcus grew up the eldest of three, with a highly critical mother and an absent father. Marcus's mother frequently told him or implied that he was too stupid to take care of himself - that he would be nothing without her. She programmed him to believe that she was his only source of love and safety, but that she wouldn't give him the love he so desperately needed until he proved himself worthy of it by doing things "right". She taught him to be confused between love and approval, and to be constantly trying to control getting love and avoiding the pain of rejection.
Do you feel unloved? Do you know what would make you feel loved? Ask yourself: Who do you feel loved or unloved by? Your partner? Your parents? Your children? Yourself? God? Feeling Loved or Unloved by Yourself and/or God What does it mean to feel loved or unloved by yourself? You will likely feel unloved by yourself when you abandon yourself by:
From the time we are born, we need validation. Loving parents offer consistent validation to their children, validating their feelings, their perceptions, their gifts and talents, their particular form of intelligence, their interests, their kindness, caring, and intuition. You are very fortunate if you received this kind of validation from your parents. If your parents also validated their own feelings, perceptions, and so on, then you are extremely fortunate, as you likely learned to do this for yourself from their role modeling.
A member of Inner Bonding Village asked the following question: "I'm a little confused. My mother is visiting me, and sometimes we have a nice time together. But often her way of bonding with me or anyone else is to talk about other people's problems. Most of the time I find it draining. It feels like she is never happy and uses her 'caring' and problem solving abilities to avoid something else."
"Tende ess and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution." ~Kahlil Gibran Over the 42 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have heard countless times: "If I cry in movies people will think I'm weak." "If I'm kind, people will take advantage of me." "If I'm gentle, people will see me as weak instead of powerful." "Being emotional is a sign of weakness."
We are born with the need to touch and be touched, skin-to-skin. If you were not held and touched with love as you were growing up, then this might be a very deep need for you. But even if you were held and touched with love, you still need it today. It is a basic need. But not all touch meets that need. There are two kinds of touch: - The kind of touch that has the energy of love - The kind of touch that has the energy of neediness The Needy Touch
"I've finally learned how to lovingly hold my heart when my heart hurts from the pain of disconnection with loved ones," said Meagan in our phone session. "I've discovered that it's possible to feel peaceful even in the midst of loneliness and heartbreak." Does it seem like a paradox to you to feel both peaceful and sad at the same time? Peaceful and Sad at the Same Time
We hear so often, "Don't take it personally." What does this really mean? The answer is NOT simple! Let's say that you are in a great mood, feeling loving and expansive, and someone - either someone close to you or a stranger like a clerk in a store - is withdrawn or attacking.
"Seek first to understand and then to be understood." - Stephen Covey How often have you heard yourself say: "I just want someone to understand me." "I just want to be heard." "I feel invisible." "I just want to be seen." I know what it feels like to not be understood, heard, or seen, as I spent most of the first 45 years of my life feeling invisible. It feels terrible.
Are you lonely? Do you believe you just need to learn to live with this? Recent research on loneliness indicates that almost half of Americans experience themselves as lonely, and, surprising, more young people are lonely than the elderly. (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/05/01/606588504/americans-are-a-lonely-lot-and-young-people-bear-the-heaviest-burden)
Do you and your partner do chores together? If not, this article might be very helpful to you. One of the major complaints I hear from my clients who are married is around the issue of chores. I can tell you from my own 30-year marriage that the issue of chores was a big deal in leading to the end of the marriage. The Issue That Broke The Camel’s Back
Following these ‘directions’ from my guidance can bring you much peace, joy and manifestation of your dreams! One of the things I’ve learned to do is follow the directions my guidance gives to me. This has led me to have an amazing life that I love. But since I know that there is always more to learn, I’m always asking my guidance to tell me what else she wants me to focus on. Awhile ago, she gave me three instructions that I want to share with you, because over time they have brought me deep and sustained joy and bliss! Let go of all Background Negativity
Do you find yourself procrastinating when you have hard or boring stuff to do? Do you then judge yourself for procrastinating? There is a way out of this! What do you do when you have stuff to do that is hard for you, or stuff that may be really boring to you - like studying for an exam, doing your taxes, creating and sending in a resume, getting rid of clutter, and so on. How often do you put it off, procrastinating because it seems too hard or too boring?
Learn about the feeling of ‘elevation’ and why you might be moved to tears and benevolence by witnessing acts of kindness. Have you ever been moved to tears by acts of kindness? This happens to me all the time and I’ve often wondered about it. I recently read an article by Daniel Burke, CNN Religion Editor, where he wrote about tearing up at watching the Pope’s kindness. (https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/06/europe/pope-elevation/index.html).
Deciding that you WANT responsibility for yourself and your feelings is one of the biggest changes you can make in your life. Miles was stuck. His financial situation was scary and there was constant conflict with his wife and two children. He was in deep despair and he felt angry and very much a victim of life. "Miles," I asked, "Do you WANT to take responsibility for being the one causing all of this? Do you want responsibility for causing your despair?" "Of course," he said.
Do you believe you are responsible for causing others' anger, hurt, sadness or anxiety? Is this causing you to feel guilty? "My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job," Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. "She feels so alone and lost when I'm gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don't know what to do." "Do you feel responsible for her feelings?" I asked him. "Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?" "Yes." * * * * *
Think for a moment about the last time you got angry with someone. At that moment, what was most important to you - getting what you wanted or being caring? Obviously, at the moment that you get really angry at someone, it is more important to you to get what you want than it is to be caring. Why is this? What is happening on the inner level that leads you to be more interested in what you get from the other person than in being a caring person? Jake’s Anger Problem
What limiting beliefs are controlling your life? Do you identify with any of these common false beliefs? All of us absorbed numerous deep false beliefs as we were growing up, and these beliefs now govern much of what occurs in our work and our relationships. It is sometimes challenging to uncover these major beliefs. Below are some examples from my clients: "I have to completely give myself up to be in a relationship, and I have to take responsibility for my partner's feelings. If I don't, he/she will leave."
Do you make excuses for others’ uncaring and disrespectful behavior toward you to avoid losing them? I grew up with two parents who constantly lacked caring for my feelings and frequently treated me with deep disrespect. Looking back, I know that neither of them had any idea of how to compassionately manage their own feelings, so they were completely incapable of being compassionate with mine. In fact, they seemed to lack the ability to feel and show compassion. For a highly sensitive child, this was very painful.
Learn to practice awareness of intent, to move out of your painful feelings and into your inner peace. Those of you who have been practicing Inner Bonding know that the basis of the Inner Bonding process is the intent to learn about loving yourself and others.
Do you want to be in a committed relationship, yet end up feeling shut down and trapped instead?
Even if you lose weight, do you keep it off? Discover the underlying cause of the cycle of losing and gaining, and what you can do to permanently lose weight. If you ask almost any overweight person, "Do you really want to lose weight?" the answer is likely, "Yes, I would love to lose weight." Most overweight and obese people want so much to lose weight that they spend billions a year trying, so why is our country growing fatter? Why aren't people losing weight when they say that this is what they want to do?
Are you limiting yourself to knowledge gained exte ally? Try using your imagination and opening to the limitless information available from the universe! "Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand."rn--Albert Einstein
Evil has always been with us. It’s important to understand what it is and what each of us can do to counter it. Evil We are beings of free will, so we get to choose, moment-by-moment, who we want to be. We sometimes choose to put our ego wounded self in charge and act in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, but this doesn’t make us bad or evil. What Then, Is Evil?
Do you want to be in a committed relationship, yet end up feeling shut down and trapped instead?
A few months ago, New Harbinger, a different publisher than the one that published my new book, contacted me to write an Inner Bonding spiritual connection workbook for them. Of course, I was delighted to be doing this and plunged right in to write it during the same time my current book was nearing being released. I love writing and because I allow my guidance to write through me, writing this book was very exciting – almost like taking dictation! It’s all I wanted to do and, and as a result, I burned the candle at both ends, with ideas coming up even in the middle of the night.
Is there one thing that is the primary cause of emotional suffering? Yes! Discover the one choice that underlies your emotional suffering. Is it possible that there is one major cause of emotional pain and suffering? Yes! The major cause of suffering is UNKINDNESS - to yourself and to others. Let's take a look at why unkindness causes most of the pain in the world.
Projection created a deep sense of confusion and loneliness in my life for many years.
Is it loving or unloving to be controlling? It all depends on your intent, on which part of you is trying to control, and what you are trying to control. When Controlling is Unloving
Are you an empathic person who feels others' pain and then takes responsibility for their feelings in an effort to alleviate their pain? Is it hard for you to feel others' pain without trying to fix them? Often, empathic people become caretakers to try to alleviate others' pain so they don't have to feel that pain. And takers are generally very attracted to caretakers. This is the situation with Tiffany:r
"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." - Golda Meir Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body? Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and illness.
When you were growing up, how often did you hear, "What will they think?" Who are "they?" Unfortunately, "they" are everyone. Many of our parents and caregivers were love and approval addicted and geared their behavior to try to have control over getting love and approval and avoiding disapproval. This was the role modeling for many of us. Our worth was determined by what "they" would think. Most of us did not see our parents or other role models defining their own worth and validating themselves.
"It's really important that you feel good. Because this feeling good is what goes out as a signal into the universe and starts to attract more of itself to you. So the more you can feel good, the more you will attract the things that help you feel good and that will keep bringing you up higher and higher." --Joe Vitale,?Author and Speaker The "Law of Attraction" states that like attracts like. Most Law of Attraction gurus state that there are four steps to manifestation:
What do you do when your partner shuts you out? Do you know that being shut out and stonewalled is even more hurtful than being yelled at? Children would rather get yelled at or even hit than ignored. This is why the worst punishment for prisoners is solitary confinement. Yet, along with overt anger, withdrawal is the most common form of controlling behavior in relationships. Just as the fear of anger keeps partners from addressing issues, so does the fear of a partner's withdrawal. Loretta is struggling with this issue.
Are you ready to be your own person? Are you ready to move beyond neediness and into emotional freedom? Are you ready to stop needing others to make you feel that you are okay? Are you ready to learn to fill yourself with love and define your own worth? I hope so! Being emotionally dependent is a very hard way to live.
Most of us know that expressing heartfelt gratitude is a powerful way to raise our frequency and connect with our spiritual Guidance. Yet many people rarely or never express gratitude, and when they do, it is more rote than truly heartfelt. In a phone session with Deb, one of my clients, we were talking about this very issue. She was telling me how much trouble she has ever feeling gratitude.