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Browse every published article connected to Margaret Paul, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Browse every published article connected to Margaret Paul, or search within this exact expert archive.
We need to resolve the violence in our society. I'm offering a few ideas regarding the issues we need to research and address. Why? Why are these horrible killings happening? I don't pretend to know the answers, but I do have some ideas that I want to share with you. I believe there are many issues that we need to attend to as a society.
By Margaret Paul Ph.D. February 22, 2016 Have you been in love with a narcissist? Are you now going through pain and confusion as a result of the relationship ending?
Do you know how to lovingly manage and heal the loneliness and heartbreak of a breakup? Breakups are challenging for most of us. However, on top of the heartbreak and grief of a breakup, we often make it worse by the things we say to ourselves. What are some of the things you tell yourself during a breakup that may be adding to the pain?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. January 18, 2016 __________________________________________________________________ When others are mean or rejecting, do you tend to take their behavior personally? __________________________________________________________________ One of the biggest issues that many people struggle with is taking other people's behavior personally. Why do we do this? Lila asked:
In my counseling practice, I often hear people saying things like: "It's my fault that she asked for a divorce. If I hadn't worked so much, she wouldn't have left." "It's my fault that he left. If I had been more sexual, he wouldn't have had an affair." I often hear clients ask, when I point out something they are doing that is having negative consequences for them, "Are you saying that this is my fault?" I respond with, "No, but it is your responsibility." What is the difference between responsibility and fault? Fault implies that you are the cause of a situation.
"Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller
When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to communicate? There are various reasons for communicating: 1. Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such as, "I'm going out for a ...
Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger and blame? What I have noticed is that those who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people's choices. ...
By Margaret Paul, PhDr February 20, 2017 Discover how loving it is to yourself to understand the amazing difference between blame and responsibility. Growing up, most of us had numerous experiences of being blamed. I was frequently blamed for things that I was too young to understand, or for things that I didn't do 'right', or for things that, to me, didn't seem worthy of blame.
Sharon, one of the members of our website, emailed me asking me to write more on abuse, particularly covert incest. She was in the process of ending her 4-year marriage with her covertly abusive husband, who is emotionally incestuous with his adult daughter. "There is no physical involvement, ...
What is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life. Emotional High Maintenance When a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, wellbeing, or happiness, they are high maintenance.
How are you limiting yourself to limit your partner? What are the consequences of this? "As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might." ~Marian Anderson 1902-1993, Concert and Opera Singer "I've always wanted to take flying lessons," Ginnie told me in our phone session.
Discover the great power in knowing what you want and not giving up. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists…and it becomes available only when you are in the state of mind in which you know exactly what you want…and are fully determined not to quit until you get it." ~Alexander Graham Bell, 1847-1922, Inventor and Educator
Do you sometimes feel trapped with some who wants to be listened to but doesn't want to listen to you? ________________________________________ One of the common complaints I hear from my clients is that they listen well but they end up just listening and never being heard. This is the issue that Ginger wrote to me about.
Do you have the expectation that you will receive unconditional love from a partner? Most of us would love the experience of being loved unconditionally by someone. This is the experience we needed when we were growing up, but most parents are not connected enough with themselves and their spiritual guidance to be able to offer this. Is it realistic now to expect it from a partner?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. July 18, 2016 If your relationships are challenging, you might want to gain awareness and understanding of the taker-caretaker relationship system. As we all know, relationships are generally very challenging, and one of the reasons is that we bring into our Taker or Caretakeradult relationships all the controlling behavior we learned as we were growing up. And we all did learn many overt and subtle ways to control!
I often have the experience of someone showing up at one of my 5-day Inner Bonding Intensives and presenting themselves as "all together", or "fine." "I'm not sure why I'm here," they state. "I really don't know what to work on. I've been through years of therapy and to a ton of workshops and ...
Are you stuck in misery? Do you resist taking responsibility for making yourself happy? Discover a possible cause of this. One of the issues I frequently encounter with my clients is the following: Sasha is in a long-term, on-again, off-again, relationship with Fabio. When Sasha is taking loving care of herself, the relationship goes well, but as soon as she makes Fabio responsible for her feelings, Fabio goes into resistance and their relationship goes into turmoil.
Brent started to work with me after his wife, Carla, suddenly decided to leave the marriage. They had been married five years and Brent thought everything was fine. Then Brent became ill and Carla withdrew. And then she was gone. Brent was devastated. He loved Carla and wanted her back. ...
Inner Bonding is a powerful process for healing attachment wounds. Did you have a secure, reliable loving bond with at least one parent or caregiver? Was one of your parents or caregivers consistently emotionally available and responsive to your needs? If not, then you likely have attachment wounds. Sadly, few people had parents or caregivers who were emotionally healthy enough to be loving parents with their children.
Are you being selfish if you do what brings you joy, even if others don't like it? Do you feel trapped, believing you can't really take loving care of yourself without being unloving to others? One of the questions I often hear from my clients is, "If I take care of myself and do what brings me joy, aren't I being selfish?"
How often have you shared your feelings and the other person became angry and defensive? How often have you heard that it's good to "share your feelings"? How often have you shared your feelings and it backfired on you? Perhaps you find yourself saying "But I'm just sharing my feelings!"
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "confidence" as "a belief or self-assurance in your ability to succeed." We all know people who appear to be very confident professionally, yet when it comes to personal relationships, appear to be very insecure. Personal confidence is totally different than professional confidence in that personal confidence is about who you are and professional confidence is about what you do. Personal Confidence
When you want to listen to a particular radio station, you tune your radio to that station, tuning in to a particular frequency. Same when you want to watch a particular show on TV. It is the frequency you tune into that determines what you hear and what you see. Our brains operate in very much ...
Do you think you should be farther along in your healing than you are? Do you get discouraged when dealing with the same issues over and over? You’re not alone! "How long will it take me to heal?" "I've been practicing Inner Bonding for 6 months now and I still get stuck in my wounded self. What am I doing wrong?" "I'm not sure I’m doing this process right. I keep doing the same self-destructive things over and over, even though I'm dialoguing every day." Does this sound like you?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. April 04, 2016 ________________________________________ Learn how to resolve conflict when your partner or another person isn't available for mutual conflict resolution. ________________________________________
"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." - Pablo Picasso Do you struggle with: -Procrastination -Clutter -Overwhelm -Disorganization -Being late -Guilt over not getting things done or not following through with commitments -Anxiety over things like taxes and bills being late -While some personality types have an easier time being organized than others, everyone has the capacity to learn to be organized and get important things done. Why, then, do so many people have a problem with it? It has to do with your intent.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. June 06, 2016 Do you want to forgive yourself or someone else, but you just can't seem to get there? Learn how to forgive in this article. _____________________________________________________________________________ It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. ~Maya Angelou Forgiveness IS one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, but how do we genuinely get there?
The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website: “For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. ...
Have you ever wondered why God allows so much abuse, so much pain, so much war? "God has no hands but these." - Mother Theresa I am often asked by my clients, "If God is all powerful, why didn't he stop my father (or mother, or brother, or babysitter, or uncle or a stranger) from abusing me? Why does he allow all this abuse to go on?"
Alexia asked: “My mother and my grandmother and most of the people I learned life from, never loved themselves. I know I don't want to be like them but the reality is I am! I have changed but not as much as I want. Can you please teach me how to fix this suffering from my wounded self?” I completely understand how much Alexia wants to be different than her mother and her grandmother. Years ago, I was suffering exactly as she is. My Life Before Inner Bonding
"There's too much to do. You'll never get it all done." My wounded self was harping on me about not having enough time. It's true that my life is very busy. But every time my wounded self told me that there is too much to do and that I will never get it all done, my body got tense. And, as I well know, tension indicates that I'm telling myself a lie. But what was the lie? There WAS too much to do, and there WASN'T enough time to get it all done. So I went to my Guidance, asking for the truth and what to do about this, and this is what she said to me:
Love Yourself: A 30-Day Inner Bonding Experience The next 'Love Yourself' Course starts May 15th, 2019. Are you ready to learn how to love yourself? Love Yourself: A 30-Day Home-Study Inner Bonding Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul, to self-heal anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, addictions and relationships.
Discover when getting things done is healthy, and when it is unhealthy and obsessive. There are many addictive ways that most of us have learned to avoid our painful feelings, and focusing on getting things done is often one of these ways.
As a counselor, I often work with people who are unhappy in their relationship and thinking of leaving. They believe that they are unhappy because of their partner, but the real reason is that they are not taking responsibility for their own feelings within the relationship. For example, when ...
Do you tell yourself that you are not a creative person because you can't draw or play an instrument or write poetry? I often hear many of my clients bemoan, "I'm not creative!" This isn't true! We all have the ability to be creative - it is a God-given gift - but you might not be noticing or ...
Is your experience of love that it is scarce and limited? "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Love never decreases by being shared. ~Chinese Proverb
Is sex mostly gone out of your relationship? There are always good reasons for this. Do you identify with Lawrence, whose wife won't have sex with him? In my work with individuals and couples, I often hear this complaint. Lawrence asks:
Discover what you may need to address before deciding whether you can be friends with an ex partner. Elise writes: "My partner and I separated a year ago. My partner now wants to finalize the relationship but work on being 'friends'. I am having difficulty connecting as just 'friends', it seems to trigger all my old wounds of rejection and abandonment. Do you have any advice?"
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. March 28, 2016 ________________________________________ Do you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people or are you stuck in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person? ________________________________________ Do you believe that you are fully available for a relationship and that you have just not met the right person? Or, do you find yourself in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable or isn't in love with you, and you're convinced you are available for the relationship?
How are your children doing? If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting? "I should have been there for them more." "I should have been harder/easier on them." "I should have been a ...
Many of us have heard of the Law of Attraction - that like attracts like. However, many are confused about what this really means. In my experience, like attracts like means that like frequency attracts like frequency. My high frequency attracts the things I want and my low frequency attracts the things I don't want. The question then becomes, what raises or lowers frequency? What Lowers Frequency? Anything that makes you feel down lowers your frequency. Here is a list of what I have found lowers frequency:
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love: Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love? Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, ...
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. October 03, 2016 If you learn to love yourself and you become happy and whole, will you end up alone? Will a partner want you if you are not needy? I had been working with Kathleen for a few months when we had the following discussion: KATHLEEN: I know that the Inner Bonding process really works to learn to love myself. It's really helpful to me when I do it, but I find myself being very resistant to doing it, and I don't know why. MARGARET: There must be a very good reason. What are you afraid will happen if you learn to love yourself?
Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset. “I just found out that Ron’s been ...
Are you finding yourself irritated with your spouse lately? Are you having problems remembering why you love this person - or why you even got married in the first place? You are not alone! Ramona consulted with me because this is exactly what was happening in her marriage. "When Randy and I ...
Imagine that you have a little child - a son or daughter, but that you are only 15 years old. How are you going to feel about this child? There is a good possibility that you will feel that this child is a burden, limiting your freedom. You will likely feel that the child is too demanding, ...
Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her. Unfortunately, the only thing she knew to do was to be a permissive parent, which meant that instead of controlling ...Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her.
In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling ...
How long should your child breast-feed? Should your child go to pre-school? Should your child sleep with you or by him or herself? What about home-schooling vs. attending school? Most people who choose to have children want to be good parents, and they have many questions about what would be ...