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Browse every published article connected to Martha Tara Lee, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Browse every published article connected to Martha Tara Lee, or search within this exact expert archive.
How many of the people that you know are truly happy with their bodies? Be honest: Are you satisfied with yours? If not, you might have a body image issue. Body image does not just refer to aspects of our physical appearance, attractiveness, and beauty. It also has to do with the mental picture you have of your own body as well as your thoughts, feelings, judgments, sensations, awareness and behaviour.
We are inundated, on a daily basis, with multiple messages about how our bodies can or should look better from slimming and facials to skin whitening and body hair removal. There is just so much we can be unhappy with when it comes to your bodies. How can we ever be happy with the way we look, much less enjoy inhabiting the only body we’ll ever have? Could dance help us become more comfortable with our bodies? I asked three female dance instructors:
When you fake an orgasm, you are essentially putting on a show for the benefit of your partner. Your reasons could vary from “getting it over with”, “sparing his feelings”, misleading yourself with “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt”, to the inner satisfaction of “pulling it off” and “getting away with it”. Whatever your reasons, it is important to call a spade a spade: you are lying to your partner, and more importantly to yourself.
Sex does not magically happen. You are stymied by a lack of time and energy and having kids have only caused sex from being erratic to the point of non-existent. You love your spouse and want to keep an intimate connection. However life gets in the way. Sex has turned into a dull routine and you don’t know how to rekindle your connection. Recognise that having a healthy and positive sex life takes effort, and scheduling sex is a part of it.
The Buddha is purported to have said “What we think, we become.” If your thoughts could change your life for the better, wouldn’t you do it? Of course! But, what thoughts do you change? All of us have an inner voice that speaks to us and us alone. Self-talk is that inner running dialogue you have with yourself. When you allow this voice to become overly negative or critical, it can deplete your energy and destroy resiliency.
There is a new beauty pageant in Singapore. It’s named TruMe, an online transgender beauty pageant organised by Action for Aids; it will be officially launched next month.
When I was in my third semester studying for my Doctorate in Human Sexuality, I went to the Florida Sex Therapy Institute to complete a Certificate in Sex Therapy. Dr Susan Lee, my teacher, introduced me to her clients I bumped into and her counterparts as ‘Dr Lee’. My first reaction was “Wait a minute! I am not a Doctor yet!” I felt like a fraud.
How can a man best use his tongue to bring a woman to orgasm? What are some techniques he can try? Our fingers are hard, dry, and possibly chafing. On the other hand, your tongue is warm and moist, hence probably superior to the penis in giving her an orgasm. Also it is easier for most women to achieve clitoral rather than vaginal orgasms, and oral sex is very effective in triggering such orgasms.
I have a question to ask you. Amidst the hustle and bustle of your busy work and personal lives, when was the last time you played? Close your eyes and try recalling some of the happiest moments in your life: What might they be? Whether this memory is of you as a child or as an adult, chances are, they involved some sort of play.
What are some tips on the ways a guy can impress a girl with the perfect Valentine’s Day dinner date? Generally, women’s sexual fantasies tend to be filled with more romantic interludes. The whole works would mean: the perfect venue for that perfect date – a 5-star hotel, an elite restaurant, or even a yacht; reservations; elements of ambiance such as candles, flowers, music or musicians; and the icing on the cake would be a thoughtful gift.
What is considered a low sex drive for females? There is often a sexual desire discrepancy between the male and female. I like to first emphasize that just because you have a lower sex drive than your partner does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with you. What this means is that you need to be aware of this difference and together come with creative ways to fulfil both your sexual needs.
I had tuition from when I was in Primary One until Secondary Four. My younger sister started from when she was Kindergarten Two. She started early because she wouldn’t leave me alone during my tuition lessons – insisting on playing with me, talking with me, peeping on me – she felt left out. I, on the other hand, hated being forced to take supplementary lessons I did not need. After a succession of tutors who quit – one of whom pinched me – I realised that my mother was going to continue forcing tuition down my throat. I eventually settled on the one I thought was the nicest.
The definitive DSM-IV-TR, which is the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, does not recognize sexual addiction as a diagnosis. Conventional wisdom among therapists has long been that there is no such thing as a sex addict. I would prefer to refer to what is commonly called sexual addiction as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder and refer to it as sexual compulsivity, as a more accurate term.
The cover of book Impossible Motherhood is simple but alluring. It traces the outline of a woman with two lines, with the title and sub-title ‘Testimony of an Abortion Addict’ located where the pubic mons is. Then, there are three sets of red lines (each set has four lines with a fifth line diagonally striking them off to symbolise ‘five’) at where the figure’s vulva would be.
We hear it said constantly: “He’s hot!” or “She’s sexy!” What exactly does ‘sexy’ mean? Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary defines ‘sexy’ as sexually suggestive or stimulating. In other words, sexy can be ‘erotic’. Another synonym is ‘appealing’; as in generally attractive or interesting. Surely sexiness is in the eyes of the beholder and can be very subjective. Yet, universally, there are a few things about ‘sexy’ which most people would agree upon: 1. Sexy people are confident.
In this day and age, are we really suffering for want of… anything? Long before budget airlines, it was a very big deal when people would travel to other countries. So much so that friends and family would go to great lengths to show up at the airport just to wish that person ‘bon voyage’. Often the departing person would be asked to seek out and bring back a particular spice, cosmetic, or other luxury item, because such items were either unavailable or exorbitantly priced in Singapore. This practice still exists, and I’ve had experience of it from every angle.
This article first appeared on Good Vibrations Magazine. If you have been following my blog here, you may recall a previous post where I mentioned looking forward to watching an 83-minute feature film/documentary called Cowboys in Paradise.
Is sex a job or a joy to you? Sex means many things to different people, often depending on where they are emotionally, or even the time of their life. For some, it is a chore, a duty, an obligation, simply a way to keep the harmony in a relationship. For others, it may be a way to ensure food gets put on the table. Sex may even be viewed as a strategic decision to reduce the chances of the partner seeking sex elsewhere.r
In previous pieces*, I have covered how sex is not a one-way experience (in ‘Don’t Lie Back and Think of England’), as well as how sex can be like an elephant in the bedroom when it comes to communicating any problems that might be occurring. This week, I would like to suggest ways in which we can get feedback from our partner after a sexual experience. And when I say sexual experience, I am not limiting it to just penetrative sex. Open-Ended Questions You can begin asking your partner what the sexual experience was like: “Sweetheart, how was it for you?” or “How was it just now?”r
According to a new research study in the UK (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341660/Six-10-women-dont-like-eating-partners.html?ITO=1490), more than 60 percent of British women in relationships do not feel comfortable eating in front of their partner, and almost half get shy when undressing. Also, four in ten women feel as though they are ‘always dieting’ or are ‘constantly conce ed about their weight’.
Recently a girlfriend admitted that until she met me, she had always thought that vaginismus was a myth – a disease that was made up, or had been eradicated in the ’80s, and most definitely did not exist in modern day. In fact, vaginismus is a very real sexual conce that women experience, and more common than we might think.
Released in 1992, ‘The Best Things in Life Are Free’ is a song by Janet Jackson and Luther Vandross. The song went to number one on the R&B singles chart and debuted at number 24 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 the week of May 30, 1992. Three weeks later, the song peaked at number 10 for three consecutive weeks. It was nominated for a Grammy Award for “Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals”. Are the best things in life really free? (and if so, are they free in Singapore?) I list some of the things I think are best in my life: Getting to my bus-stop,
Red Hot Touch: A Head-to-Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms by Jaiya and Jon Hanauer Red Hot Touch is sizzling hot! It is possibly the modern-day equivalent of The Joy of Sex. The writing is fresh and playful; the content is incredibly useful and informative; and the techniques are specific, detailed, and easy to understand.
On women’s health "down there". 1. Get familiar with what you are ‘normally’ like ‘down there’ – from the look, smell and even taste. Check daily when you go to the toilet. This way, you are aware when there is any out of the ordinary vaginal discharge. 2. Avoid bath oils, perfumed soaps and bubble baths. 3. Drink cranberry juice. It contains hippuric acid, which prevents bacteria from clinging to the lining of the urinary tract. 4. Make it a point to excuse yourself to the toilet and urinate before and after sex. This will help flush out bacteria.
This piece first appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine. The trailer of the new Singaporean film ‘When Hainan Meets Teochew’ was enough to persuade me that I had to watch it. The movie was premised as a romantic comedy between a ‘manly’ woman, and a ‘womanly’ man, as opposed to the usual Hollywood cliché where a handsome man meets a pretty lady and they fall in love after some complications are overcome.
Anxiety is a normal part of life. We all have experienced anxiety at some point of our lives. In fact, anxiety is one mechanism that evolved to keep us alert and help us cope in stressful events or situations. More specifically, performance anxiety refers to self-consciousness about the quality of one’s performance that actually, in turn, decreases the quality of one’s performance.
‘Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men’ is a book by one brave man for other men who are witnessing their loved one fighting breast cancer and how to support them. These men can be their husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, friends, and coworkers.
When I was little, all I wanted was to grow up. Grown-ups rule the world – from controlling the television remote and operating all kinds of cool gadgets to being able to choose the time they went to bed. And then there is always the sentence “You will know when you grow up,” that made adulthood all the more alluring. We all know what happened. I came of age. Now that I am finally ‘there’, I have to admit that there have been times when I wished I could turn back the clock and relive my childhood. This might be a typical case of the grass being greener on the other side.
This is part four of a four-part series on sexual consent. The other pieces can be found here: Sexual consent: When no is no; Sexually Confused: When No is a Game; and No Go: Too Drunk to Consent. In early December, paparazzi pictures of 19-year-old Hong Kong starlet, Rose Chan, being kissed and hugged by fellow actors and co-stars Joe Ma, 43, and Benny Chan, 42, surfaced. The actors had apparently gone for supper after a day of filming in Hengdian, China.r
For most people, sex is a sensitive and difficult subject to talk about. I have come across a man who, after 15 years of marriage, admitted that he and his wife have never talked about sex. Don’t get me wrong. They do have sex. They just don’t talk about it.
What to say when you are too tired for sex. There are three things to say when you are too tired for sex. 1. Say something polite, nice or caring. Thanks for asking, but… (can state reason) I’m glad you asked, but… (can state reason) 2. State your alte ative. I’d rather… I prefer… 3. Or suggest an alte ative Would you like to…? E.g. Would you like to cuddle instead? How about…? E.g. How about if we put time aside after the football match? Why not ____ instead? E.g. Why not I finger you to orgasm tonight?
Last September, I attended a ten-day residential program, which is part of the Sexological Bodywork certification in Australia. Though this was the second time I was going through this program, I was returning as one of four assistant coaches. I felt it was important to connect with my community (sex-positive people who spoke my lingo), refresh my skills and acquire new knowledge.r
The Erotic Mind: Unlock the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin In this intriguing, insightful mix of analysis, anecdote and advice, San Francisco psychotherapist Morin developed an ‘erotic equation’ by drawing on the discussions of 351 respondents, straight and gay. This equation is: Attraction plus obstacles leads to excitement.
Have you ever poured ‘cold water’ over somebody else’s happiness? In a literal translation from the Chinese language, ‘pouring cold water’ means dousing the flames of passion. This usually happens when the opposite party is feeling elated about a new love, promotion or business deal, and somebody comes along and ruins the ‘moment’.
Book Review: Shameless – How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure… and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner by Pamela Madsen I fell in ‘like’ with Pamela Madsen even before I heard about or read her first book Shameless. It happened when she shared her blog post ‘My Mother and The Gift of The Traveling Red Panties’ on Facebook. I instinctively felt that she was a woman who is honest, has a good sense of humour, and ‘gets’ what embracing her sexuality was all about.
If you accidentally touched a hot stove, the nerves in your skin would shoot a message of pain to your brain. The brain then sends a message back telling the muscles in your hand to pull away. Is that a bad thing? No, you would answer. What a ridiculous question, you might retort. Hear me out.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage – Fifteenth Anniversary Edition (2001) by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Most of us are probably familiar with ‘The Five Languages of Love’ by Gary Chapman. These “Five Love Languages” have been useful in helping people speak and understand emotional love when it is expressed through one of five ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
As the Lion City’s only clinical sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality, I have often been asked by journalists, friends, and complete strangers to share my thoughts about what I felt was my most bizarre/ interesting/ fulfilling case. I could become the next media darling or belle of the party but I have always refused to give them what they wanted. Instead, I may reply: “I treat all my client information as strictly confidential, so I couldn’t discuss any of that. But, I can share the most common kinds of issues related to sex….”
I adore the American actress Cameron Diaz. She dares to be ridiculously funny in ‘The Mask’, has men swooning over her in ‘There’s Something About Mary’, gets to kick butt in ‘Charlie’s Angels’, and is not shy in admitting that she can’t sing in ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’. She smiles readily, laughs infectiously, and is ‘on’ about life. What’s there not to like about her? Recently she upped the antenna with her quotes (in reverse order of my favourites): On staying young:
When I started my practice, Eros Coaching, I was told unreservedly by many well-meaning people, often complete strangers, not to do so. Will I have enough business? Are Singaporeans going to come forward? “We are too shy!”, they exclaimed. “Why didn’t you stay in the United States and practice there? Surely, you don’t want to waste your time with this lot.”r
I am surprised that, in this day and age, I still am asked: “What can women do in bed besides lying back and thinking of England?” In case you are not familiar with this expression, it is an English saying with roughly the same meaning as “to grit one’s teeth”, i.e. to put up with what is happening. It was used both in England and among expatriates outside the country when conditions were difficult. It is given as an encouragement to perform a task that is unpalatable.
For most people, sex is a sensitive and difficult subject to talk about. I have come across a man who, after 15 years of marriage, admitted that he and his wife have never talked about sex. Don’t get me wrong. They do have sex. They just don’t talk about it.
I am a sexologist. Since I am the only one with this unique combination of qualification and training in Singapore, there exists a lot of confusion about what exactly a sexologist does within our little city/state. Not only that, I have my share of detractors who think I am a ‘joke’, only about hype, or out to create trouble or controversy for the purpose of my own aggrandizement, etc. I have never professed to be something I am not. Since I am 100% serious about the work I do and intend to be around for some time, here are a few common misconceptions I would like to address here:
Possible reasons of multi-tasking during sex can vary considerably: from boredom due to predictability of sexual routine; stress and anxiety stemming from work; habitual need to overachieve; to genuine lack of time in juggling work and household chores. Sexual inhibition from any kind of trauma, pain, or discomfort may also cause one to disengage or disassociate mentally.
Gentlemen prefer blondes? All blondes are dumb? All redheads are passionate? A man is always sex-, porn- and/ or looks-obsessed? Therefore, he is expected to sow his wild oats? The gay person is promiscuous? A woman is seductive when she is slim, and that’s why every woman wants to be slim—so she can be seductive? Women are gold-diggers, headache-prone and stupid (especially if she is a wife or a girlfriend of a footballer, otherwise known as a ‘WAG’)? All of these make her definitely the weaker sex. Oh yes, she also can’t park and men can’t pack?
I was on the MRT train with a new friend the other day, and he asked me what caused my marriage to end. We were both standing, dangling from different handrail supports. I looked around. We were surrounded by a lot of other commuters. This person is not exactly soft-spoken either. I replied, “It’s complex. I’ll tell you another day.” “How complex can it be? It can only be a few things: money… religion… affair…,” he rattled off. I remained silent. First of all, I wasn’t ready to dismiss six years of my life (including courtship) with a one-word answer.
I was drawn to the book Sitting Moon: A Guide to Natural Rejuvenation After Pregnancy at the library. It has in part to do with the professional-looking cover with a white background, as well as the sub-title: ‘Natural Rejuvenation’. Natural is always good, I thought. Another factor probably has to do the cover image of an Asian woman having a private moment with a baby on her lap.
Touch is the medium through which we first become acquainted with the world. It is the first means of communication between the newbo baby and the mother. Research has shown that many babies who are raised in an orphanage and are not handled and touched on a regular basis rarely live past the age of two—they literally wither away.
It is normal for couples to have differences in their sexual desire. It is important for couples to begin by having a honest discussion with how often they need to have sex versus how often they would ideally like to have sex. There needs to be a conversation about the role sex plays in a relationship and why it is important. Stress, anxiety, and tiredness are very real factors that affect the sex lives of Singaporeans. It’s hard to get in the mood or have any real desire when you’ve been working long hours.
Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy, by Gina Ogden Once I started reading the book, I did not want to put it down. It is beautifully and succinctly written by a woman who has had to deal with her own inner ‘ghosts’ and discomforts with sexuality, who has sat with countless numbers of women, from the 1970s up to the early ’90s to understand their perspective, and who has and is leading the way for the many others to follow.