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Have you ever told yourself your body’s too fat, your hair’s too thin, that you’re a terrible mother, that you’re not disciplined enough, smart enough, kind enough? Do you have an inner voice that’s unjustifiably critical?
It’s easy to guess the number one New Year’s resolution of 2012—Lose Weight. Others in the top ten included Enjoy Life to the Fullest, Spend More Time with Family, Help Others in Their Dreams, and Fall in Love. What do these resolutions have in common? All have to do with relationships, often with your significant other.
Sometimes it feels like everything is changing! Today, many of us feel like we are being met with both major and minor life changes at an increasing frequency. Of course, the fact that people deal with these adjustments on a regular basis doesn’t always mean that they are prepared to handle them. Some people feel like they haven’t been able to adjust to one life change before the next is thrust upon them! Even those of us who are most equipped to handle whatever life brings can feel out of control and overwhelmed in the face of change.
These tips are designed to make life and marriage a little easier, but by no means will they solve all of your issues in one swing. If you need to talk to someone, please consult an Orange County professional today.
Most Americans think adultery is wrong. Almost 90 percent of men and 94 percent of women think it’s always wrong or almost always wrong. But many of those people have extra-marital affairs anyway. One of the most reliable sources for statistics is the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago whose 1992 study found that a quarter of married men and one-sixth of married women in the United States have had at least one extra-marital affair. Many experts now estimate a higher percentage. Why do so many people do it? Especially when they think it’s wrong?
We don’t want to lie. We love our partner. We understand a good relationship is built on trust, and that trust depends on our honesty. But sometimes we lie anyway. Why do we do it? For one thing, we’re not perfect. Our partners expect certain behavior from us (and we from them) and when we fail—because nobody’s perfect—we lie about it. What are our choices? We can tell our partners that we didn’t live up to their expectations, and that would disappoint them. Make them feel bad, and we’d feel bad too. We don’t want to do that so we make something up that’s a more acceptable story. We lie.r
For the last few weeks I’ve been talking about emotional manipulators and the tactics they use to control you. The devastation these emotional predators can cause in your life is insidious and serious. These people can wear you down until you are a depressed, defeated shadow of the person you once were. That’s why it’s important to recognize the tactics they use to dominate you and to set strict boundaries to protect yourself from them.
It’s important to develop healthy habits of all kinds, and that includes habits that have an impact on your relationship with your spouse. At first, you may have to make an effort to practice positive habits, but after awhile they become part of your routine. It takes about 21 days to establish a habit, good or bad. So why not make a conscious effort to develop good ones that will contribute to your happy relationship? Here are a few suggestions:
About one in four Americans is affected by a mental disorder in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. How many of those seek help from a mental health professional? Not nearly enough. So quite a few people suffer who might not have to if they sought help. But how do you know when it makes sense to check your fear and misgivings at the door and open up to a professional? Everyone has grief and stress and conflict in their lives. Often with very good reason. A certain amount is entirely normal. So how do you know when it makes sense to seek therapy?
A happy relationship takes a little thought. I hesitate to quote the cliché that you have to work at your relationship—it sounds so onerous. And it’s really not work to make an effort—it’s an investment of time and energy to make your relationship as great as it can be. Here are a few resolutions you might want to try:
Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional home in a codependent relationship. In the bestselling book, The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls tells of her hardscrabble childhood. Her father was an alcoholic, her mother abdicated her role as caregiver, and the children had to fend for themselves. Walls’ parents made their children serve them, not the other way around. Perhaps your situation is not so deeply dysfunctional, but it doesn’t have to be to grow up codependent. What does it mean to be codependent?
Do you feel like you can’t escape the stress from work, or from your social obligations? Do they sneak up on you, even as you’re trying to have a few relaxing moments to yourself after a long day, or during a weekend that you’ve purposely left open for some well-deserved “me-time”? It might be your cell phone that’s causing the problem. We use our cell phones, especially our smart phones to stay constantly connected to the people who are important to us.
There is no shame in having communication and relationship problems, and one of the fastest ways to work through them is to try some couples therapy in Orange County. Anything that can positively affect you and the people around you will help you live a more fulfilling life.
If you have experienced the loss of a loved one by suicide, you have a challenging journey ahead of you. Not only do you suffer heart wrenching grief from your loss, but also from the fact that she chose to take her own life. You may wonder if you could have done something to prevent it. You may feel guilty and blame yourself. You may be angry that she abandoned you. Don’t be surprised if you experience a whole range of emotions. When you are ready to accept the tragedy and begin to heal, here are a few suggestions that may help.
Abraham Lincoln did not attend his father’s funeral. When Abe was nine years old, his father, Thomas, left him and his sister for six months in their backwoods cabin in the charge of their 20-year-old cousin, Dennis Hanks. During that time, they often went hungry and barely scraped by. Later, when Abe became interested in learning, Thomas ridiculed his studies. When Abe sometimes neglected farm work to read, his father beat him. He also beat him for other minor infractions, although it’s useful to remember that kind of punishment was common back then.
If you have a happy, stable, fun, loving marriage, you should count your blessings, right? Right. But what if that marriage is happy, stable, fun and loving without sex? Would you still count your blessings? In other words, can couples be happy without sex? The answer is, it depends. People have different tolerances and needs. It reminds me of the old Woody Allen movie in which the therapist asks a couple how often they have sex. They reply simultaneously. The wife says, “Constantly. Three times a week.” The husband says, “Almost never. Three times a week.”
Do you continually believe you are a victim of someone else’s actions? Do you choose to feel oppressed? Is bad luck or lack of fai ess the source of your problems? If so, you may have a victim mentality. If you do, you probably find temporary solace in your self-pity. Friends and family may be kind enough to validate your notions by feeling sorry for you. At the same time, you don’t have to take the risks of trying to set matters right—you might fail. Nor do you have to take on the responsibilities of improving your behavior. You can just continue with your negative, destructive mindset.r
The habits you develop can have a powerful impact on your relationship with your partner. But all habits take a bit of work to incorporate into your life. Luckily you have great motivation: A happy relationship. Visualize yourself and your partner living together harmoniously. Take baby steps to improve your behavior, and if at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you have changed for the better. Here are some habits to cultivate for a sustainable, happy relationship:
Every relationship suffers from moments of disappointment. He brushes you off when you’re opening your heart to him. She is always late and makes you wait for her. And these are just the small things—not nearly as painful as infidelity, for example. But the small things add up and pretty soon resentment enters into your relationship.
Everyone knows at least vaguely about general intelligence, or IQ, but what about emotional intelligence, or EQ? For the vast majority of us, emotional intelligence is more important to our lives tha IQ. Harvard theorist Howard Gardner explains, “Your EQ [or emotional intelligence] is the level of your ability to understand other people, what motivates them, and how to work cooperatively with them.” Today, our success among our peers and in our careers depends on our ability to interpret the signals from the people around us, and to react appropriately.
Last week I talked about how easy it is to be caught up in a destructive cycle of enabling someone you love. You may have begun by trying to help. You covered up or filled in for someone who let his responsibilities slide due to dysfunctional behavior—often addition. Over time you got stuck in a downward spiral of behavior in which you were constantly trying to fix someone else’s problems to the detriment of your own life.
The last couple weeks we’ve been talking about the important topic of suicide. In the United States, it’s the 10th leading cause of death. The strongest risk factor is depression. Chances are that you have had or will have a friend who is at risk. You may be reluctant to talk to him about his problems, but there are things you can say and do to help. Taking action is almost always the best course. First, ask questions.
When things are tough, it can be hard to admit you need help. That's when you need safe, reliable Orange County relationship counseling that can heal issues and problems in a calm, productive environment.
Here are some things you should avoid when you go a on a first date, or even a second or a third – but these tips are designed with light heartedness in mind. If you need help managing your dating life,relationship counseling in Orange County may be able to help you today.
This guide is designed as a list if most common reasons a man may not want to commit to a woman – but if you need help sorting this kind of thing for yourself, Orange County counseling may be beneficial to you.
Meditation Transformation – What’s Stopping You? If you could change your brain for the better, would you? If you could increase your working memory and enhance your decision-making ability by meditating, would you give it a try? What if you could also: Slow down the natural decline of your brain as you age. Better regulate your emotions. Measurably reduce stress. Gain perspective and alleviate symptoms associated with depression, anxiety, pain and insomnia. Increase your empathy and compassion. Enhance your ability to concentrate.r
If you are the one—male or female—who is always the first to ask for sex, you may begin to think your partner doesn’t want it. But there can be all sorts of reasons why he or she is more reticent than you. They could be medical, psychological, relational or just that you’re off kilter. Your natural interval between sexual intimacies may be shorter than your partner’s, so you are always ready sooner. You may have to use super self-control to wait for your partner to be absolutely ready. A nice sensual massage that doesn’t lead to sex might get your partner thinking.
Many people who suffer from depression take anti-depressant drugs and feel better. But drugs may be expensive, cause side effects and when it’s time to come off the drugs, depressed people are vulnerable to a relapse. Mindfulness-based meditation, often coupled with cognitive therapy (MBCT), may alleviate or eliminate these problems.
At best, their behavior is dishonest. At worst, it’s abusive. But you may not have even noticed it. That’s because a passive-aggressive person can be so subtle you may not realize their supposed joke was really a hostile remark. Or their procrastination at getting something you need done is really their way of making you suffer. Or countless other covert behaviors.
Multi-tasking is common in our fast moving world. We text while we’re eating dinner and having a conversation with our spouse. We check our e-mails while we file our nails and talk on the phone. The trouble is, we are probably not being as productive as we’d wish. We are probably sacrificing the quality of the work we are doing at each task. We are distracted and maybe even distraught. Did you ever think it was time to take a breath and just concentrate on one thing at a time?
Loneliness is a tricky thing to combat. Loneliness seems to beget loneliness. When you feel isolated you crawl into your shell and become more so. You feel separated from other human beings. You may have physical symptoms too, like an ache or a heaviness in your chest. It’s not a good feeling.
Last week I wrote about dating from a women’s perspective. But what about men? It takes two to tango, and men find dating these days just as daunting as women do. Maybe more. Here are some tips: Be Self-Aware
Sometimes it’s useful to look back at the generation before us and learn from them. When it comes to being a lady, our grandmothers knew what to do. It’s not about being pompous sticklers for using the fork with the proper amount of tines. It’s about being considerate and behaving in such as way as to put others around us at ease. Here are six tips:
If you are one of those people for whom the holidays bring a certain amount of dread, take heart. You are not alone. Even those who seem blissfully cheery are susceptible to moments of loneliness or despair, often exacerbated by stress. Here are a few suggestions to mitigate that stress:
There are different kinds of intelligence. You and your partner may have been good at schoolwork; you may even have an advanced degree or two. That doesn’t mean your intelligence extends to relationships—emotional intelligence. Often being smart in relationships depends on the home you grew up in and how your parents handled their relationship. It’s not always a blueprint for success in your relationship.
Are you are living in a lackluster state? What can you do to shake the dust off and let the sunshine in? Sometimes all you need to do to attain happiness is look at life a little differently and re-adjust the way you think. Here are some suggestions for thinking the way happy people think:
We all go through tough times, some more than others. But everybody handles hard times differently. It’s not whether you get hurricanes and tornadoes in life, it’s how you weather the storms that make a difference in your well-being.
We all know a good night’s sleep is important. We feel better, more productive when we’ve had enough. But when our body is sleep deprived, it weakens our immune system, making us more vulnerable to infection. So why is a good night’s sleep so elusive? There are a number of fairly straightforward measures you can take to bring you peaceful slumber: Shhh! Make sure your bedroom is dark and quiet. Not even electronic humming from appliances if you can help it. Don’t let low light sources, like a clock, glow in your dark. This is your sanctuary. Make it as peaceful as possible.
At first you just want to help the one you love. He had a little bit too much to drink and you called in sick for him. She gambled away her funds and you transferred some money into her account. Or you covered for him when he embarrassed you with his dysfunctional behavior because he refused to seek therapy. These are just a few examples of situations in which you begin by trying to help someone you care about, but you end up between a rock and a hard place.
Last week I talked about how you can unwittingly sabotage your own good intentions by negative motivation, blaming others and by getting discouraged too easily. Without even knowing it, you can contribute to your own struggles and thwart your goals. Here are a few more things to watch out for:
Three Reasons Their Divorce Rate May Be Lower Than Their Parents
It’s easy to see when your friend needs to dial it down at a party. When your cousin’s behavior is a little off. When things are off balance for someone else. But it’s not so easy to see about yourself. Sometimes you seek therapy precisely because you are not clear about where you are trying to go and what you are trying to do. That’s why it’s especially hard to know if your therapy is working. It’s difficult to be objective about yourself and the progress you’re making. But therapy is an expensive investment that you should take seriously.
Sometimes the people who need therapy the most are the very people who find it hardest to seek help. They’re afraid they’re wasting the therapist’s time. They’re afraid they’re wasting their own or their loved one’s money. They’re afraid of exposing their deepest selves—and of trying and failing. No one likes change, even if it’s possible it will be a good change. Investing your time, money and emotional energy takes a leap of faith. And courage. So how do you muster the courage to seek the therapy you need? Take Baby Steps.
The other day a friend tripped over her own feet, and I overheard her say to herself, “You are such a klutz.” A harmless putdown, perhaps, but with enough negative talking to yourself, you could create an unhealthy environment that works against you. This is an example of stinkin’ thinkin’—irrational thoughts that, in the aggregate, aren’t good for you. And the truth is, my friend usually navigates quite well, and is sometimes even graceful. So one incident does not mean she’s a klutz. Her comment to herself was indeed irrational.
You’re feeling vague resentment, but you’re not sure why. Your friend seems to ask more of you, expect more of you, than you’re willing to give. You’re feeling guilty for not capitulating to your friend’s request. You find yourself wondering why you’re doing something when you really don’t want to. If so, maybe you’re being manipulated.
Feeling lonely is painful. Often people who feel lonely exacerbate the situation by blaming themselves. Why am I lonely? Because other people don’t like me. Why don’t they like me? Because I’m a loser. It’s not hard to imagine how this internal conversation can go downhill very quickly and make you completely miserable.
Most of us are so busy that the thought of sitting still for 20 minutes or even 5 minutes a day is beyond us. We know meditation is probably good for us, but rewards seem fuzzy and methodology even fuzzier. What, exactly, is meditation? And do you have to be religious? Meditation is often associated with Buddhism, which makes it seem even more cloaked in mystery for those of us who aren’t Buddhist. And just how do you go about it?
I have a friend who protested she didn’t like the “small talk” required in early dating, and wanted to go straight to a relationship. You can go online, research your prospective date and learn everything you need to know about him, right? Wrong. This is one process that you can’t cut short. Period. It takes time to get to know someone, and while texting, ‘friending’ and ‘liking’ online may give you insight, there is no substitute for face-to-face. Be Authentic
Are you living in a situation that is unreal to you? Did you think you would have a good life with your partner, but instead, you suffer emotional pain? Does your relationship, which looked so attractive at first, turn out to make you miserable? Even while other people might look on your lifestyle with envy?
If your partner is depressed, your relationship suffers, and may even cause you to feel a bit depressed yourself. If you have trouble determining whether your partner is depressed, take heart. You’re not alone. The word ‘depression’ has been used to describe everything from being in a bad mood to having a depressive illness. A bad mood will pass, but a depressive illness is not something you can pull yourself out of at will. Is your partner - withdrawn, - lacking energy, - losing interest in normal activities liking eating or having sex,