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Browse every published article connected to Richard Nicastro, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Browse every published article connected to Richard Nicastro, or search within this exact expert archive.
When you consider what your relationship needs, consider the laws of gravity. An object that is set in motion will continue to move, unless something stands in its way. On the flip side, a motionless object will never move unless something acts upon it. Your relationship or marriage will remain ...
You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been ...
If it's the season to be jolly… …then why am I seeing so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more apt to say, 'Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on the go? Whether you're feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated, it's easy to lose perspective about what's most important and valuable to you during this holiday season--your marriage or relationship. What does the holiday season mean to you and your partner? Ironically, the gift of love can easily be forgotten this time of year.
Q: I need some relationship help. While I love my husband with all my heart, sometimes it's just so frustrating being married to him. When I feel that he's ignoring me, I get so upset, and he's usually surprised by the intensity of my reaction. Why do I get so upset with him? ~Lynn, Carlsbad CA A: Thanks for the question, Lynn. Here are some thoughts that might help shed light on your experience:
No matter how well your relationship is humming along right now, there's room for the advice of relationship mentors. Couples who have been together for many years (and who have been relatively happy, despite the inevitable rough patches) have discovered what has benefited their relationship the ...
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankln You don't need me to tell you about the dire state of the American economy and the reverberations being felt around the world. While you're probably well aware of how this is directly ...
Arguments are a regular part of Lindsey and Hector's relationship. During a recent couples counseling session, they volleyed insults back and forth with such intensity that I almost stopped the session. But then something remarkable happened: Lindsey said, "Our marriage is too important to me to go on like this. We shouldn't treat each other this way. I want us to be friends again." I waited for Hector to mock his wife's tired attempt to bring back the harmony they once shared. But to my surprise, he softened and agreed with Lindsey.
You have the power to change your mood at this very moment—to increase your optimism, elevate your energy and enthusiasm, and increase your motivation toward reaching your personal goals. How is this possible? By sowing the seeds of gratitude. Research shows that when you increase feelings of ...
Questions have power. They can open our minds up to new possibilities and ways-of-being, they can alter the course of our thoughts and shape our behavior in positive ways... ...and questions can have the opposite effect, shutting us down with the force of a jackhammer. And some questions aren't questions at all, they're really statements or proclamations disguised as questions. Here's an all-too-common example of a statement pretending to be a question that never leads anywhere useful (unless, of course, your goal is a break down in communication):
We are all embedded in a continuous stream of experience—an endless current that is too expansive to for us to take in all the information at once. One function of the mind is to help you deal with this vastness: To select, order and ultimately, create meaning out of all the life that surrounds you. This filtering of experience has great significance for your marriage/relationship.
There aren’t too many things better than a peaceful sleep, right? You’re comfortable, you’re safe, you’re getting important needs met. But what happens when you’re sleeping so soundly that you inadvertently crush an arm for a while? The crimp in your circulation ...
I bet if I asked you what you had for breakfast this morning, you'd have a concrete answer. (Even if the answer is "Black coffee" or "Didn't have time.") But how about if I ask you to recall something arguably more important than a single morning meal? Let's see how you fare: In what specific ...
No one can deny the benefit of preventive medicine. First of all, it's often easier to prevent an illness than it is to cure it--that's why you go in for your annual physical (or why you should). And we all can agree that feeling healthy is preferable to feeling sick. So looking out for ...
It’s no secret that modern life is fast-paced and getting faster every day. In this world, relationships—and all the work they require—can easily be seen as inefficient, time-consuming and simply not gratifying enough. For your relationship to have a healthy chance at survival, ...
A computer and access to the Internet: That’s all you need to share your opinion with the world about how you think people should manage their lives, relationships, finances…you name it. It seems like ove ight, everyone has become a potential "expert" about some particular ...
A recent marketing book I read touted the importance of getting potential clients to "know you, like you and trust you." It seems that marketing and romance have more in common than meets the eye: In the world of marketing you're trying to convince someone your product or service is worthwhile; ...
"I'm tired of feeling alone in my marriage." ~Christian, married three years Often times, when couples complain about a break down in communication or some other marital/relationship problem, part of their distress centers around feeling emotionally disconnected from each other. This lack of emotional intimacy is often a warning sign that something needs to be addressed in your relationship.
Have you ever related to your spouse/partner in a totally non-defensive, emotionally open way? If you have, in that moment you and your spouse/partner were vulnerable and receptive to each other’s emotional needs/experiences. To do this, you were able to free yourself from the emotional blocks that so many men struggle with—you were unencumbered by the stereotypes and preconceived notions about masculinity that stand in the way of an authentic emotional connection. During moments of deep emotional intimacy there is no pretense or ego at work.
It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences ~Audre Lorde In the beginning there were similarities… Early in your relationship, you and your partner probably rejoiced when you discovered shared interests: "I can't ...
Fact #1: Certain topics of discussion proceed more smoothly with a little planning-- especially sensitive and emotional topics. Fact #2: When it comes to your marriage or relationship, you’re likely to overlook Fact #1. Permit me to make the following assumption: When you’re at ...
Even though Travis and Linda are decades beyond the acceptable age for trick-or-treating (they’re in their mid-forties), and even though they don’t have children of their own to steer around the neighborhood, they love Halloween. No, it’s not what you think. They don’t ...
When veteran parents give advice to new parents, they often start by explaining the value of routines: bedtimes, storytimes, mealtimes, etc. Well, guess what? We may outgrow footed pajamas and Sippy cups, but we don’t outgrow our need for rituals—repeated, regular events you come ...
I've yet to meet a couple that never argues. Maybe the conflict-free couple exists somewhere, but our paths haven't crossed. Even the most highly compatible couples get into spats now and then. Let's face it, with all the similarities you share with your partner or spouse, there are ...
If it's the season to be jolly…nn…then why am I seeing so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more apt to say, 'Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on the go? Whether you're feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated, it's easy to ...
You often hear struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to stay on top of their game. Often they need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which fundamentals ...
When a troubled couple comes to me for relationship help, one of the first questions I ask is, "What have you already done to try to solve these relationship problems?" Several issues immediately become apparent as I listen to these distressed couples: 1. Many of them didn't have a plan to ...
Lasagna, the earth's crust, and people;what do they have in common? They're all made of layers. Our layers are certainly more complicated than pasta and cheese, and very different from the planet's natural stratifications, but as thinking, feeling humans, we're complex, layered individuals. ...
Relationships are all about closeness. Taking the risk to open your heart and letting your partner know the real you is the most profound type of sharing. This level of intimacy can be emotionally and spiritually rejuvenating. A healthy relationship is like a high-wire circus act. Lean too far ...
Q: I love my husband, but somewhere along the line we've become more like friends than lovers. We had an amazing sex life early in our relationship but now we're lucky if we have sex once a month, and when we do it's pretty unremarkable. I really enjoy sex and I'd like to make it a regular part ...
Q: There have been times when I'm not absolutely sure that I'm still in love with my husband. I'm afraid this means we're not right for each other, even though we've been married for several years. Can you shed any light on this? A: There are many normal factors that can influence how you feel ...
Intimacy is a lot like trying to get warm on a cold winter night. You wrap yourself up in your favorite blankets and settle in for sleep, but at some point ove ight you may feel too warm and constrained by the blankets. So you disentangle yourself and push the blankets away. But after a few ...
Once an argument has been settled, it's human nature to tuck it away in the back of your mind so you never have to revisit it again. After all, why would you want to stir up all those negative feelings associated with the argument? It's easy to think that only a glutton for punishment would do ...
Q: "I need some marriage advice. Is arguing bad for a marriage? My husband says it's healthy to argue from time to time but I try to avoid marital conflict at all costs. Can you shed some light on this for us?" A: Relationship conflicts are a natural part of marriage or a long-term romantic relationship. And marital conflict isn't necessarily a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner's body, it is sheer dedication--commitment to completing what she ...
A great deal has been written about the damaging effects that anger can have on intimate relationships. But did you know that anger can be beneficial to your marriage or relationship? n The dark side of anger Like all emotions, anger runs along a continuum--from low to high intensity. When ...
When couples come to me for help, the first thing I do is observe how they communicate with each other. Communication is often the gauge of the health of a relationship. There are certain effective communication principles that can help you create a more harmonious marriage or relationship; and certain styles of communication have been linked to relationship and marital problems. When couples seek marriage help and relationship advice, they are often locked in ineffective communication patterns that have spiraled out of control.
It's natural to enter a long-term relationship with expectations. And one expectation most of us have is that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. Although wedding vows ask us to consider the possibility of sickness, we don't automatically assume our loved ones will suffer a ...
Is life more manageable because of your partner? Do you ever feel upbeat and rejuvenated after spending time with your spouse? Does a reassuring word from your loved one bring you comfort and peace? Intimate relationships have the power to make you feel happier, energized and more alive. ...
Intimacy is the hallmark of a healthy marriage or relationship. But there may be powerful, unconscious forces at work that prevent you from developing a deep and meaningful connection with your partner. Many couples seek out marriage help, relationship advice and/or couples counseling because of ...
"I really hate it when we argue…but I've also learned so much about my husband from our fights and we have a stronger relationship now." ~Sandra, married seven years Even the most effective communicators get into spats now and then. And despite your best efforts at marital bliss, you and your partner will disagree and argue from time to time. But not all conflict is bad—conflict (if handled correctly) can teach you a great deal about yourself and your spouse or partner.
Couples often seek marriage counseling because of difficulties with intimacy. Why are so many couples struggling with intimacy? In order to fully connect with your spouse/partner, you need to share the deepest parts of yourself while maintaining a separate sense of self. This balancing act isn't ...
Experiencing a deep, loving connection is one of the most meaningful aspects of a healthy relationship. But achieving and maintaining this connection isn't always easy. You (or your partner) can have a strong desire for closeness and yet inadvertently push each other away at times. This is ...
What is a fear of intimacy? The term "fear of intimacy" is often used to describe someone who has difficulty creating a close connection with their spouse/partner. Typically, the phrase highlights a person's struggle to become physically and/or emotionally close, and we often describe this struggle as a fear. But often there are certain differences between men and women that are misinterpreted as a fear of intimacy.
There are times when it's helpful to use compare and contrast thinking. For example, fifth-grade Social Studies. Remember when Mrs. Dogoody assigned the paper: "Compare and Contrast Ancient Roman and Ancient Greek Civilizations"? (I do; I still have the occasional nightmare about that one.) The ...
When it comes to building a healthy marriage/relationship, one of the best resources is to hear from couples who have been together for many years and, most importantly, would do it all over again with the same person. In the marriage/relationship enrichment workshops I run, there are often couples who meet this very criterion. Here are some of the important marriage/relationship advice tips these couples have shared: 1. It's not just about communication.
"You never listen to me...I've asked you a thousand times to let me know when you can't pick the kids up from daycare!" In my work with couples, it is common to hear one person accuse the other of "not listening." This usually takes the following form: 1. You ask your partner to do something ...
Amy just got a big promotion at work, and she rushes home to share the news with her partner Larry. She bursts in the door, her body language exuding celebration and excitement, and finds Larry in the basement, running his model railroad layout. Over the chugging and whistling of the train, ...
Two happily married couples, together for over fifteen years: "If I had to pick out one thing that has made the difference in our marriage, I guess it would be that he makes me laugh." ~Sarah "We just enjoy each other's company. We're playful and tease each other in a light-hearted way. Life ...
Beginnings and endings...and your relationship Life is a never-ending series of beginnings and endings—with each ending signaling a new beginning. And it is these beginnings that give us hope that new possibilities are available, that we can shed what hasn't worked and start anew. Each beginning is imbued with possibility, a gift waiting to be claimed by a new owner. It is our need for a fresh start that makes the New Year so meaningful to so many. Marriage and your New Year's resolution
Couples often seek out my relationship help or marriage advice because of difficulties with intimacy—they no longer feel a deep emotional connection with their spouse/partner. Why are so many couples struggling with emotional intimacy? In order to experience the gifts of emotional intimacy, you need to share the deepest parts of yourself with your partner while maintaining a separate sense of self (without losing your identity).