Love What Is Real
Because this practice could seem so abstract or so obvious that it’s not worth doing, I am going to take longer than usual to explain why it’s so important.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
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Articles by Rick Hanson
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254 articles by Rick Hanson · showing 50
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Are You Working Together?
[Note: This JOT is adapted from Mother Nurture, a book written for mothers - focusing on typical parenting situations and gender differences that are experienced by many, though not all, mothers and fathers, and by parents in same sex relationships.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,189 views
Read articleSee the Big Picture
I once went to the movies when it was raining and brought my umbrella. Arriving early, I sat down on a bench to read, then headed to the theater. Suddenly I heard, “Uh, mister!” – and turned to see a teenage boy with a friendly smile running toward me with my umbrella. He didn’t know me but went out of his way to help a stranger.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
100 views
Read articleMinimize Painful Experiences
Painful experiences range from subtle discomfort to extreme anguish - and there is a place for them. Sorrow can open the heart, anger can highlight injustices, fear can alert you to real threats, and remorse can help you take the high road next time.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
32 views
Read articleWhat's fundamental?
In middle school, I thought it would be cool to play a musical instrument, and picked the clarinet. My wise parents rented one rather than buying it, and I started practicing. (In the garage because it sounded pretty screechy.) After a week or two of doing scales, I got bored and picked my way through a couple easy songs. But after a few more weeks, I couldn't go further because I hadn't laid a foundation with scales and similar exercises - so I quit in frustration. To this day, I regret never learning to play a musical instrument.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,070 views
Read articleWake Up To Good News
"Tell the truth." It's the foundation of science, ethics, and relationships. But we have a brain that evolved to tell lies to help us survive. As I've written before, over several hundred million years our ancestors:
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
780 views
Read articleForgive
Forgiveness is a tricky topic. First, it has two distinct meanings:
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
58 views
Read articleFeel Already Full
One slice of the pie of life feels relaxed and contented. And then there is that other slice, in which we feel driven and stressed. Trying to get pleasures, avoid pains, pile up accomplishments and recognitions, be loved by more people. Lose more weight, try to fill the hole in the heart. Slake the thirst, satisfy the hunger. Strive, strain, press. This other slice is the conventional strategy for happiness. We pursue it for four reasons.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
332 views
Read articleYour Body
As a kid, I was really out of touch with my body. I hardly noticed it most of the time, and when I did, I prodded it like a mule to do a better job of hauling "me" - the head - around.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
573 views
Read articleFind Your Ground
I've been to New Zealand, and really respect and like it. There's a Maori term - turangawaewae, "a place to stand" - that I've come back to many times.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
154 views
Read articleWater Your Fruit Tree
My wife and kids tease me that the title of this practice is corny - and it is. Still, I like it. If you don't nourish the things that nourish you, they wither away like a plant in dry stony ground. Looking to the year ahead for you - a year that can begin whenever you want - what's one key thing that will bear lots of fruit for you if you take care of it?
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
281 views
Read articleWhat's Up With These people?
Research shows that relationships are built from interactions, and interactions are built from moments. A critical moment in an interaction is when one person wants something from the other one. ("Wants" include wishes, needs, desires, hopes, and longings.) The want could be simple and concrete, like "Please pass the salt." Or it could be complex and intangible, such as "Please love me as a romantic partner."
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
994 views
Read articleLighten Up
On the path of life, most of us are hauling way too much weight. What's in your own backpack? If you're like most of us, you've got too many items on each day's To-Do list and too much stuff in the closet. Too many entanglements with other people. And too many "shoulds," worries, guilts, and regrets.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1 views
Read articleRemember the Big Things
In every life, reminders arrive about what's really important. I’ve received some myself, as I’m sure you have, too. Perhaps it was news of a potentially serious health problem, the death of a loved one, or an accident that could have turned fatal. These are uncomfortably concrete messages that, sooner or later, something will catch up with each one of us.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
457 views
Read articleAccept Them as They Are
I admit it: whether close to home or far away, I wish some people were different. Depending on who they are, I wish they'd stop doing things like leaving cabinet doors open in our kitchen, sending me spam emails, or turning a blind eye to global warming. And I wish they'd start doing things like being friendlier toward me or spending more money on public education. Even if it doesn't affect me directly, for their own sake, I do wish that various people I care about were more energetic, less anxious, or less self-critical.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
297 views
Read articleWho Do You Trust?
As I grew up, at home and school it felt dangerous to be myself - my whole self, including the parts that made mistakes, got rebellious and angry, goofed around too loudly, or were awkward and vulnerable. Not dangers of violence, as many have faced, but risks of being punished in other ways, or rejected, shunned, and shamed. So, as children understandably do, I put on a mask. Closed up, watching warily, managing the performance of "me." There was a valve in my throat: I knew what I thought and felt deep inside, but little of it came out into the world.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
966 views
Read articleWhat Are They Feeling?
Imagine a world in which people interacted with each other like ants or fish. Imagine a day at work like this, or in your family, aware of the surface behavior of the people around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your own. That's a world without empathy. To me, it sounds like a horror film.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,029 views
Read articleMeditate
Meditation is to the mind what aerobic exercise is to the body. Like exercise, there are many good ways to do it, and you can find the one that suits you best.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
609 views
Read articleAccept Difficulty
Sometimes things are difficult. Your legs are tired and you still have to stay on your feet another hour at work. You love a child who's finding her independence through emotional distance from you. A long-term relationship could be losing its spark. It's finals week in college. You're trying to start a business and it's struggling. You've got a chronic health problem or a disability. Sometimes people don't appreciate your work. You're being discriminated against or otherwise treated unjustly. The body ages, sags, and grows weary.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
272 views
Read articleBe At Peace With The Pain Of Others
Humans are an empathic, compassionate, and loving species, so it is natural to feel sad, worried, or fiery about the troubles and pain of other people. (And about those of cats and dogs and other animals, but I'll focus on human beings here.)
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
191 views
Read articleWhat Can You Do When Nothing Is Working?
In response to a previous JOT - Find Stillness - a wise therapist, Betsy Sansby, reminded me that sometimes a person just can't find any stillness anywhere. Maybe you have epilepsy or chronic pain, or are wildly worried about a child or other loved one, or have been rejected in love or had the bottom fall out financially. In other words, as Betsy put it, like there's a nest of bees in your chest. She's right.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,098 views
Read articleWishing well?
Lately, I've been wondering what would be on my personal list of top five practices (all tied for first place). You might ask yourself the same question, knowing that you can cluster related practices under a single umbrella, your list may differ from mine, and your practices may change over time. In these JOTs, so far I've written about two of my top practices: - Meditate - Mindfulness, training attention, contemplation, concentration, absorption, non-ordinary consciousness, liberating insight
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,139 views
Read articleTurning a Negative Nelly Into a Positive Polly.
I’ve been talking about ways to Hardwire Your Happiness on the blog lately. So I thought it would be great to give you a sense of how it feels to take in the good. If you are someone who usually focuses on the negative experiences in the world you can turn that around over time by Taking in the Good. I’ll suggest some prompts here that you can use in your everyday life to start changing the negativity bias in our lives into Teflon for the positive. Take my prompt and go through the first three steps outlined below on your own. STEP 1. Have a positive experience
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,207 views2.7/5 (3)
Read articleReceive Faces
[Note: this practice involves our visual system, which for many people is impaired. If this is the case for you, you could adapt my suggestions to focus on the voices of others or a sense of their “energy.”]
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
496 views
Read articleWhat Can I Do?
I'm doing a series on my personal top five practices (all tied for first place), and have so far named three: meditate (including mindfulness, self-awareness, and, if you like, prayer), take in the good, and bless (including compassion, generosity, and love).
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,013 views
Read articleSpeak From The Heart
One Christmas I hiked down into the Grand Canyon, whose bottom lay a vertical mile below the rim. Its walls were layered like a cake, and a foot-high stripe of red or gray rock indicated million-plus years of erosion by the Colorado River. Think of water - so soft and gentle - gradually carving through the hardest stone to reveal great beauty. Sometimes what seems weakest is actually the most powerful.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
105 views
Read articleGive No One Cause To Fear
We evolved to be afraid. The ancient ancestors that were casual and blithely hopeful, underestimating the risks around them - predators, loss of food, aggression from others of their kind - did not pass on their genes. But the ones that were nervous were very successful - and we are their great-grandchildren, sitting atop the food chain.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
82 views
Read articleWho are you, deep down?
For many of us, perhaps the hardest thing of all is to believe that "I am a good person." We can climb mountains, work hard, acquire many skills, act ethically - but truly feel that one is good deep down? Nah!
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
1,253 views2/5 (1)
Read articleTry a Softer Tone
Linguists like Deborah Tannen have pointed out that most communications have three elements:
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
64 views
Read articleAsk Questions
My dad grew up on a ranch in North Dakota. He had a saying from his childhood - you may have heard it elsewhere - that's: "You learn more by listening than by talking."
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
100 views
Read articleHave Compassion
Compassion is essentially the wish that beings do not suffer - from subtle physical and emotional discomfort to agony and anguish - combined with feelings of sympathetic concern. You could have compassion for an individual (a friend in the hospital, a co-worker passed over for a promotion), groups of people (victims of crime, those displaced by a hurricane, refugee children), animals (your pet, livestock heading for the slaughterhouse), and yourself.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
119 views
Read articleStay Right When You're Wronged
It’s easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test is when they treat you badly. (Much of what I say here applies to conce s about injustice or mistreatment that threatens or happens to others, from someone bullying a child to an oppressive government, but I will focus on the personal level.) Think of times you’ve been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones. Maybe someone stole something, turned others against you, broke an agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
93 views
Read articleStand Up to Bullies
Humans are profoundly social. Woven through the tapestry of our relationships are several major threads. One of these is power. The only question is, do we use it for good or ill? The abuse of power can be called many things, including intimidation, fraud, discrimination, and tyranny. I’ll use a term that’s down-to-earth: bullying.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
124 views
Read articleLove What's Real
Because this practice could seem so abstract or so obvious that it’s not worth doing, I am going to take longer than usual to explain why it’s so important.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
144 views
Read articleSee Progress
There are always things that are getting worse. For example, over the past year, you probably know someone who has become unemployed or ill or both, and there’s more carbon in the atmosphere inexorably heating up the planet.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
13 views
Read articleTune Into Others
Imagine a world in which people interacted with each other like ants or fish. Imagine a day at work like this, or in your family, aware of the surface behavior of the people around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your own. That's a world without empathy.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
112 views
Read article152 views
Read articleDrop the Stone
As we begin a new year for many people, it’s natural to consider how to make it a good one. Besides taking action in the outer world – from fixing a dripping faucet to feeding every child – we can act inside our own minds . . . and take the benefits with us wherever we go. This year, what do you think are the top five things you can do inside yourself to be happier, stronger, wiser, and more loving? In this JOT and those that follow, I’ll suggest my own top five:
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
109 views
Read articleEnjoy The Good That Lasts
Why? So many things change. Leaves fall, friends move away, and children leave home. My dad died some years ago, and my mom about ten years before that. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting older (darn, there is no fooling the mirror).
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
148 views
Read articleTrust in Love
Take a breath right now, and notice how abundant the air is, full of life-giving oxygen offered freely by trees and other green growing things. You can't see air, but it's always available for you. Love is a lot like the air. It may be hard to see - but it's in you and all around you.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
19 views
Read article"Us" All "Thems"
By “us” all “thems,” I mean finding common ground with every person – especially those you fear or are angry with or who are simply very different from you. These days this practice is more important than ever.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
124 views
Read articleEnjoy Sobriety
By "sobriety," I mean healthy self-control, a centered enjoyment of life, and inner freedom from drivenness. We typically apply this sense of balance and self-care to things like food, drugs and alcohol, sexuality, money, and risky behaviors. And if you like, you could bring sobriety to other things as well, such as righteousness, contentiousness, over-working, or controlling others.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
288 views
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Read articleOne Breath at a Time
[If for you the breath is associated with trauma and discomfort, you probably shouldn't try this practice in its form below. But you might adapt it to something that is more nurturing for you, such as a saying or image.]
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
350 views
Read articleLean Into Good On First Waking
Waking up is like the sun rising. At first, it's mostly dark, as glimmers of consciousness begin to light the shadows. Emerging into full wakefulness, the fogs and veils dissolve and the whole plain of your mind comes into view. It's quiet: a restiveness in the body, sleepy still, not yet much internal verbal chatter. There's an intimacy with yourself, abiding as the core of your being.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
363 views
Read articleCome to Center
I’m old enough to remember a time when people usually answered “good” when you asked them the standard, “How are you?” (often said “harya?”). These days the answer is commonly “busy.” I know what it feels like to get very busy and start to feel dispersed: juggling a dozen priorities at any moment, attention skittering from one thing to another, body revved up, feeling stretched thin and spread out like being squished between two sheets of glass.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
311 views
Read articleEnjoy the Freedom Not To
We're pulled and prodded by financial pressures, commuter traffic, corporate policies, technology, advertising, politics, and the people we work with and live with. As well, internal forces yank the proverbial chains, including emotional reactions, compelling desires, "shoulds," and internalized "voices" from parents and other authority figures.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
268 views
Read articleChoose to Love
Many years ago, I was in a significant relationship in which the other person started doing things that surprised and hurt me. I'll preserve the privacy here so I won't be concrete, but it was pretty intense. After going through the first wave of reactions - What?! How could you? Are you kidding me?! - I settled down a bit. I had a choice.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
263 views
Read articleAccept Dependence
Want to try a little experiment? Stop breathing. Really. For a few seconds, maybe a few dozen seconds, and see how it feels. For me, this experiment is an intimate way to experience a deep truth that we live dependently, relying on 10,000 things for physical survival, happiness, love, and success.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
322 views
Read articleLived By Love
Feeling both the world and myself these days, one phrase keeps calling: lived by love. Explicitly, this means coming from love in a broad sense, from compassion, good intentions, self-control, warmth, finding what’s to like, caring, connecting, and kindness.
Primary topic: Positive Psychology
338 views
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