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Browse every published article connected to Sam Vaknin, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Browse every published article connected to Sam Vaknin, or search within this exact expert archive.
"He knows not how to rule a kingdom, that cannot manage a province; nor can he wield a province, that cannot order a city; nor he order a city, that knows not how to regulate a village; nor he a village, that cannot guide a family; nor can that man govern well a family that knows not how to ...
Question: Is the narcissist confined in his grandiose fantasies to one subject? Answer: This apparently simple question is more complex than it sounds. The narcissist is bound to make use of his more pronounced traits and qualities in both the design of his False Self and the extraction of ...
Abuse by proxy continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are conce ed). The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others – more vindictive and obsessed – continue to haunt their ex-spouses for years to come. ...
This article is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the ...
Typology of Codependents Codependence is a complex, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional defence against the codependent's fears and needs. There are four categories of codependence, stemming from their respective aetiologies: (i) Codependence that aims to fend of anxieties related to abandonment. These codependents are clingy, smothering, prone to panic, are plagued with ideas of reference, and display self-negating submissiveness.
In 1978, a medical doctor by the name of J.E. Groves published in the prestigious New England journal of Medicine an article titled "Taking Care of the Hateful Patient". In it he admitted that patients with personality disorders often evoke in their physicians dislike or even outright hatred. n ...
In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further ...
The narcissist regards therapy as a competitive sport. In therapy the narcissist usually immediately insists that he (or she) is equal to the psychotherapist in knowledge, in experience, or in social status. To substantiate this claim and "level the playing field", the narcissist in the ...
How to get your abuser to see reason in the first place? How to obtain for him the help he needs – without involving law enforcement agencies, the authorities, or the courts? Any attempt to broach the subject of the abuser's mental problems frequently ends in harangues and worse. It is ...
Stalkers have narcissistic traits. Many of them suffer from personality disorders. The vindictive stalker is usually a psychopath (has Antisocial Personality Disorder). They all conform to the classic definition of a bully. Before we proceed to delineate coping strategies, it is helpful to ...
Question: Am I to blame for my husband's/child's/parent's mental state and behaviour? Is there anything that I can or should do to help him or to reach him? Answer: Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (for a choice it is). Constant feelings of ...
No one should feel responsible for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist – so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation. Others are objects on which he projects his wrath, rage, suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, ...
Notes of first therapy session with Dale G., male, 46, diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) Dale's first enquiry is whether I am in any way associated either with the government or with his former employer. He doesn't seem reassured by my negative response. He eyes me skeptically ...
Question: What is the typical profile of a homosexual narcissist? Why is he always on a lookout for new victims? Is he lying or is he telling the truth when he says that he "wants to get laid" by one and all? If he is not suicidal, is he not afraid of AIDS? Answer: Research failed to find any ...
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement: Involve the police whenever possible. Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your ...
For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling ...
Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but disce ible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble! Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to ...
Abusive conduct is not a uniform, homogeneous phenomenon. It stems and emanates from multiples sources and manifests in a myriad ways. Following are a few useful distinctions which pertain to abuse and could serve as organizing, taxonomical principles (dimensional typologies) in a kind of ...
Of course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to relate to our emotions that matters. The narcissist tends to repress them so deeply that, for all practical purposes, they play no conscious role in his life and conduct, though they play an extraordinarily large unconscious ...
Notes of first therapy session with El-Or (real name: George), male, 22, diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder El-Or's real name is George. He changed it as a result of an epiphany he experienced at the tender age of 9 when he encountered an alien spaceship in his back yard and "in ...
Therapy, in most cases, cannot cure the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), only mitigate and ameliorate the condition by modifying some of the narcissist's behaviours. Only narcissists, who go through a severe life crisis, tend to consider the possibility of therapy at all. When they ...
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement: Involve the courts whenever possible. In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a ...
The dissolution of the abuser's marriage or other meaningful (romantic, business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life crisis and a scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, ...
We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception. The narcissist has ...
Question: What are the effects that narcissistic parents have on their offspring? Answer: At the risk of over-simplification: narcissism tends to breed narcissism - but only a minority of the children of narcissistic parents become narcissists. This may be due to a genetic predisposition or ...
Question: What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a narcissist? Answer: The Victims On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation ...
We all have a scenario of our life. We invent, adopt, are led by and measure ourselves against our personal narratives. These are, normally, commensurate with our personal histories, our predilections, our abilities, limitations, and our skills. We are not likely to invent a narrative which is ...
Question: The narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get angry at him, be upset by him? Above all, should we communicate to him our displeasure? Answer: The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of ...
Question: Is the narcissist characterised by simultaneous instabilities in all the important aspects of his life? Answer: The narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego functions) from other people's reactions to an image he invents and projects, called the False Self (Narcissistic ...
Statistics show that intimate partner abuse, including domestic violence, has declined by one half in the last decade in the United States. Jay Silverman and Gail Williamson demonstrated in "Social Ecology and Entitlements Involved in Battering by Heterosexual College Males" (published in ...
Even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four types of ...
"Such a one (the narcissist – SV) is encased, is he not, in an armour – such an armour! The armour of the crusaders was nothing to it – an armour of arrogance, of pride, of complete self-esteem. This armour, it is in some ways a protection, the arrows, the everyday arrows of life glance off it. ...
Notes of first therapy session with Edward J., male, 51, diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder Edward has a lumbering, numbed presence. He walks as if in a dream, his gait robotic, his eyes downcast. Within minutes, it is abundantly clear to me that he is gloomy, dejected, pessimistic, ...
The Viennese neurologist, Sigmund Freud, was among the first to offer a model of psychological development in early childhood (within the framework of psychoanalysis). He closely linked the sex drive (libido) to the formation of personality and described five psychosexual stages, four of which ...
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands "on your behalf", talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The ...
What is Anxiety Anxiety is uncontrollable and excessive apprehension, a kind of unpleasant (dysphoric), mild fear, with no apparent exte al reason. Anxiety is dread in anticipation of a future menace or an imminent but diffuse and unspecified danger, usually imagined or exaggerated. The mental ...
The first encounter between psychiatrist or therapist and patient (or client) is multi-phased. The mental health practitioner notes the patient's history and administers or prescribes a physical examination to rule out certain medical conditions. Armed with the results, the diagnostician now ...
Question: In his drive for Narcissistic Supply, would the narcissist be callous enough to exploit the tragedy of others, if this were to secure him a new Supply Source? Answer: Yes. I compare Narcissistic Supply to drugs because of the almost involuntary and always-unrestrained nature of the ...
Question: I met many narcissists who are modest – even self-effacing. This seems to conflict with your observations. How do you reconcile the two? Answer: The "modesty" displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasised to ...
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate ...
Having chosen your team of consultants and experts – and having hired their services – relegate any inevitable contact with your abusive ex – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant. Work with these qualified third parties to extricate yourself and your loved ...
Is abuse anomalous – or an inevitable part of human nature? If the former – is it the outcome of flawed genetics, nurture (environment and upbringing) – or both? Can it be "cured" – or merely modified, regulated, and accommodated? There are three groups of theories – three schools – regarding ...
Question: What is the difference between self-love and narcissism and how does it affect the capacity to love others? Answer: There are two differences between healthy self-love and pathological narcissism: (a) in the ability to tell reality from fantasy, and (b) in the ability to empathise ...
Selecting the right professional is crucial. In the hands of an incompetent service provider, you may end up feeling abused all over again. Go through the following check list before you settle on a divorce atto ey, a financial consultant, a tax planner, a security adviser, or an accountant. ...
The DSM-IV dropped two diagnoses that made an appearance in the DSM-III: the masochistic and the sadistic personality disorders. But these are not the only differences between the two editions as far as Axis II (personality disorders) goes. The DSM-IV considerably expanded and updated the ...
The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) is published by the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland. It included mental health disorders for the first time in 1948, in its sixth edition. In 1959, following widespread criticism of its classificatory scheme, the WHO ...
Narcissistic Injury An occasional or circumstantial threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack ...
Narcissists are not prone to "irresistible impulses" and dissociation (blanking out certain stressful events and actions). They more or less fully control their behavior and acts at all times. But exerting control over one's conduct requires the investment of resources, both mental and physical. ...
The Depressive Personality Disorder is not yet recognized by the DSM Committee. It makes its appearances in Appendix B of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, titled "Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study." It is not clear in what way is the Depressive Personality Disorder ...
Notes of first therapy session with Sam V., male, 43, diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Sam presents with anhedonia (failure to enjoy or find pleasure in anything) and dysphoria bordering on depression. He complains of inability to tolerate people's stupidity and ...