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Browse every published article connected to Tina Tessina, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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I have before about emotional hygiene and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?
Anger is the emotional energy within each of us that rises up when something needs to change. If you act on the need to create change, your anger can be channeled effectively; but it’s not redirected to something effective, your frustration will build, sometimes to hurricane force.
Recently, I wrote here about making the most of time. This month, I have been asked a lot about how people can overcome paralysis and self-sabotage, so I thought I’d pass on my ideas on the subject. Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself.
We’ve heard a lot about hope recently, but one thing was not said. Hope is scary. Anyone who dares to hope runs the risk of disappointment and feelings of failure. With the overwhelming focus on success in our culture, the threat of failure and disappointment is blown out of proportion. In my counseling practice, I see a lot of people who are afraid to follow their dreams without a guarantee.
Lately, I’ve gotten so many anguished questions from people who are being criticized and rejected by family for making relationship choices the families don’t like, usually for cultural or religious reasons, that I changed my mind about what I was going to write this month.
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Love, commitment and relationships seem to be in disfavor these days. I’m seeing a lot of articles and TV shows saying love doesn’t last, so why bother. But, I believe that all of us want to be loved, and I know from experience that a relationship can work, and that a great partnership is a joy not to be missed. A lot of people come into my office searching for love, especially unconditional love.
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There are some common mistakes couples make when asking for what they want in a relationship. Here are some things that may be keeping you from achieving success with your spouse. They are the most common mistakes you can make when trying to ask for what you want when you're struggling to make your marriage work. 1. Exaggerate your want.
Number 7 Might Shock You
Dr. Romance writes: Richard and I will celebrate our 28th anniversary next month, and we agree there’s no better delight than sharing life with a loving partner, when you get along as well as we do. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage is all about relating instead of fighting, so I thought I’d share an excerpt with you.? Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully.
Dr.
Dr.
Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.——adage
Dr Romance adapted this from an Alcoholics Anonymous handout: We often get out of touch or out of sorts with people – sometimes they leave or pass on, sometimes we quarrel, sometimes we just grow apart. If your connection, or lack of one, with someone is troubling you, here’s a simple way to ease your mind and your heart. HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER
Dear Dr. Romance: I am single man, I have question for you, is it natural for a man to masturbate? I normally, do it everyday, sometimes 4 times a day. Tell me if its wrong or normal to fantasize my cousin and she is a woman? Is it that wrong thing to do? I love to masturbate and to me its fun and great feeling. Do you have any advice. I want to know if there is anything wrong with me. I need your help. Dear Reader:
Many couples are moved to write their own wedding ceremony: either because they aren’t comfortable with the traditional ones, or they don’t belong to a tradition that has a ceremony, or they just want to create something unique that expresses their love and commitment. To help you create a design of your own, I’m presenting the basics of wedding/commitment celebrations here, to use as a guideline. Because this is the beginning of a tradition that can be very important in your lives, I encourage you to think and talk it through carefully, withr
In the throes of a new romance, when dating and getting to know each other are going well, it’s easy to make a big decision from all the energy, or for the wrong reasons. Moving in together for the wrong reasons, or without advance planning, can jeopardize the whole relationship; so do it thoughtfully. 1. Make sure you know what your agreement is.
To recover from infidelity and save your marriage: 1. Tell the Truth. Assuming your spouse found out, you didn't confess—this is the time to tell the whole truth. It's probably best done with a therapist present, to keep a lid on the emotional reactions. 2. Give your Spouse the Power.
There Are Four Steps. Are You Doing All Of Them? Are you and your partner having a tough time getting over an argument? Here are some tips to help. 1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of punishment or rejection –- apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven. 2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong.
I was recently sitting in my favorite coffee shop, and remembering my dear friend who used to meet me there and who died not long ago. As I get older, I'm experiencing more and more loss, and so are my friends of a similar age. Those of us who survive loss still have to "keep calm and carry on" as they say. So I thought you might appreciate some help with how to cope.
Dear Dr. Romance I am mindful that I am allowing my soon to be controlling, narcissist ex ( civil law atto ey) to run circles around me, just as we did when we were married. After attending a divorce group session at my local church, they recommend that I set up some specific boundaries and rules of engagement with him. He texts me hours a day, while I'm trying to work. Do you have anything in your arsenal to send me to get this jumpstarted?
Dear Dr. Romance:
Dear Dr. Romance: I'm really confused about a guy I know online from a social site, he's ten years older tha I am. We've been in contact for several months. We now live in different countries. Recently, our chatting got intense and he told me that he likes me. We planned to meet up in another country. But he was suddenly never online and never contacted me even by email. I was really devastated.
Dear Dr. Romance: I am a woman in my mid-twenties from India and working in the middle east in a professional job. I had a brief arranged marriage and am now getting divorced. One of my business clients, who is an arab and over forty has been married for many years but claims his marriage is ending says he loves me.
As a Psychologist, Dr. Romance knows that when we're surrounded by images of violence, it becomes "normalized" and we stop seeing it as unusual. Anyone who watches the news is becoming aware that we live in a violent society: According to the Peace Alliance:
Dr. Romance on spreading kindness Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy. If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas: *Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving. Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.
Once upon a time, In high school, I memorized a poem that has been a constant source of help and direction in my life and relationships. It's simple and much more sentimental than today's cynical age can handle, but the very simplicity of it made it a great navigational tool for me in relationships. "He drew a circle that shut me out; Heretic, Rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the Wit to Win. We drew a circle that took him in" Edwin Markham
I've been dealing with a lot of unwanted changes, and it's not easy. Losses, disappointments, changeswe all struggle when life doesn't go our way. Why is it so hard to handle change? Then there are the changes we want to make, fight hard to makelosing weight, giving up smoking, being more organized. Why is it so hard to create change?
Dear Dr. Romance: I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice. I'm feeling so troubled. I got divorced a few years ago. Since then, I became involved with a man more than ten years older than me. I got a work assignment out of town, and he was adamant about keeping a long distance relationship going, but I wasn't feeling ready. As emotional and hurt as I was from my previous relationship, I didn't feel it was the right thing to do. So I broke things off and he was very hurt.
Dear Dr. Romance:
Dr. Romance writes: OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything Now what do you do? Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.
Dear Dr. Romance: I came across your web site when I was desperately looking for motivation. I'm a salesman selling first class products but I couldn't get motivated and it's been a problem for months. It's been getting worse. I read "Motivation and How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)" and now I'm sorted out.
Dear Dr. Romance Your web-site impressed me and prompted this note, and I'd appreciate your thoughts. I am a reasonably well-educated individual which includes a couple of degrees in psychology and have been quite successful in my career. My wife who is also well-educated and our marriage has spanned three decades plus and we have not experienced serious problems in the past.
Dr. Romance writes: Richard and I have been married since 1982 It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it. In the first year of our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband a card. On the front it said, "I love you", many times, and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since. We have kept our love alive, and the joy of this relationship carries us through the rest of life.
Lately, I've gotten so many anguished questions from people who are being criticized and rejected by family for making relationship choices the families don't like, usually for cultural or religious reasons, that I changed my mind about what I was going to write this month.
b> In my counseling office, I see a lot of damage done because people don't know how to ask for what they want, or don't think it's OK. Not asking for what you want means you'll eventually resent somebody, and that leads to a lot of strife. So today, I thought I'd give some hints about how to ask for what you want. To really be successful, you need to understand the difference between asking and demanding, and how to approach different people.
Dear Dr. Romance:
Dear Dr. Romance: I am a happily married man in my mid-forties with 2 small kids who has become overwhelmingly infatuated with a 22 year old co-worker. She is friendly but certainly not coquettish and there is no suggestion she reciprocates. I have no intention of trying to pursue a personal relationship with her.
Dear Dr. Romance,
As a parade went by, one of the horses pulling a float entry left a memento in the middle of the road, right in front of where we were watching from the sidewalk. From that point on, every band or group that came marching down the road marched bravely on, right through the pile of horse manure.
Recently, as we were eating in an Italian restaurant, the music being played transported me back to holidays with my Italian/American family. Traditional, sentimental Italian songs were such a large part of our gatherings for the holidays. After a huge, slow, multi-course dinner, Uncle Tommy would get up and go to the piano, and just start playing.
Dr. Romance wishes you Happy Holidays with a song lyric.
Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving! A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive. I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work. Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular. When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.
Dear Dr. Romance: I am (or was, perhaps) in a fairly strong relationship for a few months now. Recently though, as the upcoming fall quarter approaches, my girlfriend doesn’t think she can handle a relationship. Between stress from school (she really wants her 4.0 this year), over-bearing parents, and the recent death of her dog, she has a lot going on. She has told me that she doesn’t think a relationship can work for her, with all the other things on her plate…
The most frequent problem I hear from single clients is that of how and where to search for a partner. Many of them have been searching for a long time, without success; others have been afraid to go out and search at all. Most of the horror stories you have heard about dating occur when daters rush the process. Getting intimately involved with someone you don’t know, allowing strangers into your home, or being all alone with someone you just met is just asking for trouble.
The average person pays more attention to what she's saying or thinking about than what she is hearing, or how her words are "landing" on the other person. This self-involvement gets worse during an argument. You can become a much more effective communicator by using "attentive speaking" a simple and highly effective technique that will help you pay attention to how well you're communicating, whether it's with your partner, your children, or extended family, or co-workers.