Bryce Kaye
PhD
Free
Bryce Kaye Quick Facts
- Main Areas
- Marriage and Relationships
- Career Focus
- Author and Marriage Therapist
- Affiliation
- Allied Psychological Services dba Cary Counseling Center
A public biography is not available yet.
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Articles by this expert
SelfGrowth articles and saved writing connected to this expert. Showing 12 of 19.
Article
Character Traits That Promote Intimacy and Avoid Marriage Problems
Over the past 35 years, I have seen thousands of couples in marriage counseling. I thought it might be interesting to list out the personal traits and values of the most competent partners who do the best at maintaining their relationships. Instead of taking your partner's inventory I would suggest that you take an honest look at yourself. See where you might like to do you future growth. Here's the list:
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When Empathy Becomes Codependence
There's a joke I once heard about codependence: How can you tell if a drowning woman, is codependent? Answer: Someone else's life passes in front of her eyes. Of course, the female gender holds no monopoly on codependence but I report the joke as it was told to me by a "recovering" person in AA. I tell that joke a lot when doing therapy, not out of disrespect but for its illustrative albeit exaggerated truth. Like drowning people who can't think of themselves first, many people focus on their partner's feelings and needs to the exclusion of their own.
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Negotiating for Space in Relationships and Marriage
"I need some space!" is a familiar expression to most of us, either from the giving or receiving end. I suspect that more women have heard this expression from men than vice-versa. This is probably because more men adopt the evader role in the pursuer-evader dance of boundary-troubled relationships. "Space" is the word that many of us use to describe the sense of being separate, independent, and most especially, not responsible for meeting another person's needs and expectations. Actually, the desire for that sense of relief is very natural and healthy.
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Due Diligence Responsibilities for a Healthy Marital Relationship
Having seeing thousands of couples in therapy and marriage retreats, I finally decided to create a crib sheet that outlines the most fundamental responsibilities that emotionally balance a long-term relationship. Many people think that a solid marriage involves closeness without anger or friction. But that's not what I observe. Good marriages, the ones that remain passionate over decades, are usually very dynamic. There's conflict but it's very constructive and disciplined. In fact, it serves a very important purpose.
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Beyond Equality in Marriage and Relationships
There is a useful term that one hears relative to investments but is rarely mentioned when discussing relationships. The term is "equity." We more often hear people discuss "equality" in relationships. Unfortunately, equality is not nearly as constructive a concept for guiding a couple to creative solutions. When people discuss equality in a relationship, they usually ignore a basic reality: people are not equal. They are not equal in that needs and desires usually differ.
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Misguided Hope in Marriage and Relationships
"Love is the most powerful force in the universe." Most of us actually believe that, if love is strong enough, it will create a healthy relationship in addition to changing the course of rivers and moving mountains. Forgive my indulgence in cynicism but the parallel is appropriate. For some relationships, a favorable outcome is about as probable. Many people are confused because the conventional wisdom about love is not very wise. The common assumption is that a strong love is an intense love and that the stronger the feeling, the longer it will last.
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Wise Mistakes in Marriage and Relationships
For a good while, I've had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to such a negative outlook. With such a collective focus on avoiding or escaping from destructive relationships it's easy to overlook the natural and non-pathological ways that relationships often do not work out.
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The Option of Climbing Into Love
Ahhh, that feeling! Your spirit soars. You feel like you're being lifted higher and higher. If feels so good it must be right. Right? Maybe you'd better watch out for those cruel rocks below! How many of us have taken that flight, only to plummet to despair when our illusions are shattered. Perhaps the expression that you "fall" in love contains hidden wisdom that warrants attention. Falling is usually a passive act in which we don't have much conscious choice about what is going to happen. We are victim to other forces beyond our control. Sometimes we land all right, sometimes not.
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Letting Go of a Bad Marriage or Relationship
Having worked with thousands of relationships, I have a few tips for those of you want to cut your losses and leave a bad one. First of all, let's dispense with the notion of immediate "friendship." If you've been struggling with a destructive relationship, then you're going to need more distance than that. Friendship is possible when both parties have fairly good emotional boundaries around what's private and not common ground. Coming from a destructive relationship, those boundaries are going to need time to be regenerated.
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When Trust Is Not Enough in a Relationship
"Trust". It's one of those sacred words in relationship lingo that automatically projects an aura of goodness and wholesomeness. Conversely, "mistrust" seems to reek of evil and pathology. If you ever want to evoke visceral and mindless reaction from someone, just ask "Don't you trust me?" Most people will reflexively and thoughtlessly reassure you that "Of course" they do. The won't take the time to define the various ways in which they mistrust you as well. "Healthy mistrust" seems close to being an oxymoron like "military intelligence"... or "unhealthy trust." That's unfortunate.
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Spiritual Transcendence of the Quantum Self
I can recall the moment with utmost clarity even though it occurred nearly 40 years ago when I was 23 years old. I remember how my breathing quickened and my body surged with excitement as the car headlight beams illuminated the huge buck deer standing on its hind legs with its neck stretched up into the apple tree. His antler rack gleamed in the headlight's glare and I agonized that I had no cartridges for the 30-06 rifle in the car trunk. But there was something else that I now consider fascinating albeit shameful. It was the fact that while I stared at that deer, I felt no ambivalence.
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Cultivating Spirituality Without the Baggage of Religion
It starts with a single question. It's a deceptively simple question: Do you want to live a meaningful life? The answer seems ridiculously obvious. You probably think "Yes. Of course." It doesn't require reflection and most people stop their line of thinking right there. But if you ponder the question in much depth then you'll find yourself in a maze of prickly issues. What's the meaning of meaning? How do you evaluate whether your life is meaningful or not? If your life is meaningful then how can you make it even more meaningful? The answers to these questions are not obvious at all.
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Favorite Quotes & Thoughts from Bryce Kaye
There are ways to build love instead of waiting to fall into it.
Contacting Bryce Kaye
Dr. Bryce Kaye
Allied Psychological Services
875 Walnut St., Suite 220
Cary
NC 27511
Telephone 919 467 1180
Fax 919 467 1712