Herb Hunter

Becoming self aware and the arts of communication is extremely important. Have you had a conversation, where someone tells you "I'm not fond of it", "not the way I would do it", "That conce s me...", etc. Regardless of the tone they use, our human instinct is to immediately defend, fight or at least prove to the other person that you are "right" and he/she is wrong. That is human nature, however we need to become self aware in our conversations.

Unfortunately, using this language of "right and wrong" is the mode many of us operate under "by default" - it's a primal default. Especially in our society where traditional values teach us from the very beginning about good and evil, what we should do and not do, (i.e. right and wrong).

Generally, all conflict arises from one side making the other side wrong in some way, and believing they are right. The belief that you are right also implies that you believe that you have all the information you need (enough of the entire story) to cast your judgment on the other party, and do so without doubt.

Believing you are right is noble however, you should also come with the acceptance that you could be proven wrong, thus being willing to accept the consequences of being wrong. And it is at this humbling thought, that I introduce the other alte ative to the realm of "right and wrong" few in the world even know exists...

The Realm of What Works!

When you speak to someone with a mind set and language of peace and solutions, you are saying to them "My goal is to find what is going to work for both you and me". Don't mistake this with compromise, because that still implies that there are things in the agreement you think are wrong.

When seeking what works, you are not looking to demonize, or make anyone wrong. In fact, the concepts of "wrong or right" does not even exist any longer.

Like I said above, when you tell someone they are wrong or mistaken, it causes their guard to go up and on the most primal level feel threatened. When you seek what works, you are telling them "the solution we arrive at is going to benefit you", which will obviously invoke them to lean in closer to listen.

For example:

"I read your report the other day. I wanted to ask you about [blank] on page 4. Given that our goal is [blank], how did you arrive on that and how do you think it will help us achieve our goals?"

vs.

"I read your report the other day. I don't think your recommendation on page 4 of about [blank] really contributes to achieving [blank] and will probably waste our time and money. What I think we should do is this..."

The first is inviting the person to share more about what they are thinking, not making them wrong and reminding them about what the ultimate goal is - perhaps even leading them to finding a better solution (maybe one you agree with) by forcing them to think deeper about the situation.

The second is rejecting their recommendation, minimizing their ideas and thrusting your ideas on to them without collaboration. You might want to find out what motivates this person, learn about their fears and desires and use that knowledge to craft your approach.

Becoming Self-Aware

My point with all this, is in most situations, it is possible to arrive at solutions that work for everyone if you are willing to take responsibility for the current situation by setting ego aside.

Most importantly, you MUST always be aware of the mode and language you are using. You must ask yourself whether you are defaulting to your primal language of right/wrong or if you are truly seeking solutions. Being self-aware and being really honest with yourself is the key and knowing what is appropriate to use in a particular situation.

I hope you enjoyed the information and its importance in the art of communication.