Exploring Asexuality

An invitation to a job interview closely echoes an invitation to dating. When we speak to a potential employer or think about how to message a recruiter on LinkedIn, most of us nolens volens try to manifest our attractiveness. Self-promoting look, loud body language, charming smile, posture at relaxed attention - we behave to be admired and arise desire either in recruiters or potential partners. But some of us feel awkward about all that self-introduction stuff and have no desires for relationships, attraction, and arousal. Those who can hardly understand what it means to experience desire or overuse primary attraction are called “ace” or asexuals. That is completely normal - about 1% of people (75 million) in the world is asexual, and the experts believe the numbers might be higher. Let’s find out what it means and how it feels to be asexual.

Asexuality as Is

In most cases the term 'asexuality' implies lack of sexual feelings toward others or being devoid of sexuality. The multiple forms of “a-spec” (asexual spectrum) identities include asexual and aromantic categories. Asexuals can fall in love, experience emotional attraction, and usually get into relationships. Aromantics as a rule might not be interested in sex or a relationship. Individuals with orientation that fluctuates along the spectrum between asexual and sexual, and aromantic and romantic are known as aceflux or aroflux. The process of accepting sexuality or asexuality is never easy but always important and different for everyone. For many people to have above mentioned identities is a key that casts light on experiences. Even if you are in your late twenties or thirties, you may choose the wrong label for this feature of your personality, being helpless to denominate your feelings right.

How to Identify Your Asexuality

All of us need some kind of micro labels to alleviate feelings of brokenness or unbelonging and find a supportive environment, such as AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network), for instance. If you think you might be asexual you should remember that you are loved and valued as you are. If you don’t know what to call yourself, psychologists have singled out the signs of asexuality:

#1. You know how attractive a person is while not being attracted to them.

You can appreciate the good-looking appearance of other people and draw attention to lively rosy cheeks, silky swirls, or masculine abs. And still, you think admiration for some physical traits means something different from attraction to those physical traits. Your unique ability to catch up on the beauty simultaneously saves from instantly getting turned on.

#2. You may like hugs or kisses but would avoid deeper physical contacts.

Many asexual people enjoy hugging and kissing, massaging and cuddling. As an asexual you won’t kick at all forms of physical and will like the spontaneous friendly bear hug. But you are going to prove to your partner that nothing more intense.

#3. You often flush crushes.

The idea of relationships makes you less enthusiastic compared to your friends. You see no point of hooking up with random strangers anywhere. And during the rare occurrence of developing a crush on a person, it would be someone special you know well and can trust. Your feeling would arise by some deeper things than a mere pretty face.

#4. You keep aloof talking about your friends’ hookups.

You hold all that hype about sex highly over esteemed and don’t understand your friends’ complainants about the dry spells, being unrelated to their frustration. You know how to live months and years without having sex. For you its absence is just a relief.

#5. You find sex scenes rather boring.

You can’t understand what for producers spend the precious time of the scenario on those long, sex scenes. Sure, you would rather prefer a conversation between the characters instead of watching an arrogant bedroom scene. You think that the way a couple interacts in daily grind is more essential than how they make love.

#6. You don’t think that marriage is the object of your life.

You can be satisfied with your relationships and happy without them. You can’t understand how people go mad about someone. As well, you have your doubts about the personal wish of falling in love and getting married. Career, family and friends are the things that would really matter to you while wedding stuff and mess occupies the bottom line on the list of priorities or is excluded from it at all.

#7. You are not obsessed by sex.

Neither pornography, nor the stories with oversexualized, click-bait headlines will turn your attention in this sex-crazed world. As physical intimacy means nothing for asexuals, a significant percentage of them have never fantasized. They have a lot on their mind to think about, but apart from the sexualized majority sex is never the thing.

#8. You prefer to care about the inner world more than looks.

You prefer to learn about the new person through interaction and the way they treat you instead of being under the influence of primary attraction. This happens because of your capability of bringing to the task emotional connection as the main attraction instead of primary physical one.

#9. You can live free from sex, though it doesn’t mean you will.

Asexuals typically demonstrate neither interest in sex nor distress from having it in order to please the partners. Some of them prefer to avoid it, but some masturbate to feel better. Intimacy is not connected at all to feelings of wanting sex. Asexuality isn’t a disorder, many asexuals do want romantic relationships, and sex can be the part of them.

#10. You feel like standing out from a crowd.

All the way we have been taught that sex is integral to being human. On each step of personal identification you can feel broken, weird or isolated. The society dominates while talking about sex, physical closeness, marriages and kids on every street corner, silently passing over asexuality. But wanting lots of the nonsexual aspects of a relationship is a normal wish to embrace and not be ashamed of.