Inside the Chrysalis

Everything seems to be still, and yet I feel the turmoil. The changes are not yet visible to the outside world, but my heart gladly receives the new dose of self-love and compassion. In the process, there's a race to conquer trust, some doubts rise to the surface to be released. There's also certain need to justify my apparent stillness, which runs together with the feeling that there's nothing to explain. Everything I've remembered so far helps, adds up... And it also confuses, contradicts. Inside, duality and unity coexist; it's a dark space, but safe and warm. There are sparks of light that bring hope. I'm alone here, yet I'm connected with everything. Finding inner silence is difficult, the mind will not ease, it fears what it doesn't know. The heart provides infinite patience, and whispers: "Time does not exist." The mind does not understand. As soon as it expands a little, it wants to define and organize things, and immediately after, it contracts again. All the answers lay in your heart, they say. Alone, there's no place to go, they say. The new paradigm means cooperation, it's overheard. What's the purpose of cooperation if the whole universe is in my heart? Isn't seeking cooperation accepting that we can't do it alone? And isn't offering help believing that the other one "needs" it? What if in order to reach the heart we need our own tools as well as someone else's? But "the other" is just an illusion! I look for what resonates with me. What doesn't resonate, I discard. But isn't the discarded stuff also my own reflection? If I choose, I separate; if I separate, I move away from the unity I long for... I hear voices that echo that it is very simple, they seem to be beings who have already transformed; they call me, they tempt me, but I don't see a bridge to cross. They encourage me to jump to the unknown, that I'll grow wings or that a soft cloud will receive me. Metaphors are no good now. What is "jump"? What is "let go"? I don't know what they are talking about. I still do not recognize the language (I don't even recognize the writing!) I want to give up, but after the sigh, there's always something else that drives me forward. To keep looking, how much more can it be? Is it enough to watch the transformation or is there something I need to contribute in order to complete it? What if contributing is simply observing with no judgment? What if contributing is simply letting it be, without interfering? The same people who dated the transformation are retracting. Nothing is going to happen, they say. Could they be the last remains of fear of disappointment? Seasons and cycles do not happen from one second to the next, true; but the transformation of a butterfly does, as well as the birth of a baby; when the fruit is ripe, it falls in an instant. Which is the proper metaphor? Or does it depend on what we are all choosing collectively? I don't know about you, but I choose the magic of the instant, I don't care if you call me childish. Wasn't everything about seeing the world as children again? Aren't children our greatest teachers? If I'm the infinite being that wants to co-create, why choose the hardest and longest option? Why incarnate at this moment in time if the real magic will be seen a hundred years from now? I breathe. I look around. This instant, everything is a quiet mess. The mind will not shut up. You did not think it was my heart talking, did you? No, my heart beats, awaits its turn, but since it doesn't speak with words but with vibration, I still can't understand it. Or is my heart feeding the mind so that the vibration percolates through the words? Everything is possible. But there's something in the air, there's a certain undeniable thrill, something is going on. If I'm infinite, why worry that I might starve to death? But I chose to be human, I chose a beautiful and amazing body, so I should take care of it and honor it. More than that, I should enjoy it! I want all my senses to enjoy all of Gaia's paradises! How do I attract the abundance that allows it to be so? I used to think I had to have in order to do and then be; but then I remembered that I had to be in order to do and then have. All right, I AM. And now, what? I use tools found by others. Sometimes they prove useful, but they barely move me from take-off. I feel there's a tool waiting for me to be discovered (could that be the reason why no tool has fully worked for me so far?). I feel it to be so, then it must be so. How do I find it, though? Listening to my heart. How can I understand its language? Listening with a lot of patience. Look for signs, they say. Signs say "stop", in spite of everything. Stop and breathe. Stop, don't think. Stop and listen. Stop and feel. Stop and accept. Stop.