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"Who's To Blame For Your Anger?" Have you ever noticed how angry people seem to be? They can fly off the handle for the least little thing. Insignificant events become valid excuses to lash out at someone or something. The damage they do can be irreparable. The pain they can cause others is ...
Conflict: two forces in opposition. Resolution: the process of finding a mutually satisfying solution. There's nothing threatening here yet for many they'd rather have a root canal rather than try to resolve a dispute. They either seek a quick departure or prepare themselves for an ugly battle. But conflict can be a very beneficial and productive force in any relationship if you have the proper skills and motives.
Why is it so difficult for us to get along with one another? After all, we all have the same basic needs in life. We all want to be valued, to be acknowledged for the good that we do, to be treated fairly and given sufficient opportunities in life; we all want to be accepted as we are and to be loved in the same way. Aside from the packaging and our individual talents and goals, we are all basically the same. Yet it seems the majority of people fail to recognize our similarities and focus instead on our differences.
Few people I know like to the process of resolving disagreements. In fact, when they hear "conflict" they automatically equate it with fighting. Yet one is not comparable to the other. Conflict is simply two forces in opposition. Fighting is defined with such words as "violent, battle, combat, hostile encounter". Conflict resolution need not be hostile at all. In fact, there are many advantages to having disagreements with others. Our differences challenge us to see things from another perspective, to open our minds to new possibilities, to learn and grow.
At one time or another, we've all complained that life isn't fair. Children do it all the time: Karen, who is older by two years, is allowed to stay up later than her younger siblings. They complain to dad that they're being treated unjustly, not realizing that at the same age her bedtime was thirty minutes earlier. As adults, we attribute this behavior to immaturity and expect that as children grow and develop this rationale will make way for a more judicious way of thinking . Sadly, many people carry this mind-set with them well into adulthood.
I read advice columns. I sometimes find valuable information that benefits me or I can pass along to others. At times I shake my head in awe at the nonsensical issues people seek advice about, like the biggest debate ever in Dear Abby’s history: which is the correct way to hang a roll of toilet paper - paper across the top or unde eath? Really? This is what people are conce ed with?
When I was younger I must have fallen asleep for twenty years like Rip Van Winkle. Then when I awoke, somewhere in adulthood, I noticed a most unusual evolving phenomenon: in a world where only two distinct races existed (black and white) there were now Hispanics, Asians, Latinos, and others. Over the next several decades, more and more groups of people were being classified as such. A recent internet search uncovered an anthropologist named Carleton S.
Domestic abuse is one of the most serious epidemics modern society faces today. With 1/3 of all women reporting incidences of violence in the home and/or in intimate relationships (this does not reflect the numbers that go unreported nor those of men being abused), no socio-economic group, nationality, gender or age is exempt from experiencing some form of cruelty in their relationships. Every day, in the US alone, three women (and one man) are murdered by their abusive partners.
Do you enjoy a good fight? I don't but I know some people who do. Regardless of who we are interacting with, differences of opinion, issues , and conflict will arise periodically. Some approach arguments with zest, others with great trepidation, and some avoid them at all costs. There are times when it is wise to circumvent the issue; other times they must be addressed head on. But is it possible to prevent a discussion from escalating into a full-blown fight? And how do you know when to proceed and when to simply walk away?
I'd be hard-pressed to find someone who never got angry. Even Jesus expressed anger while here in the physical world. Not all anger is obvious nor acknowledged. Passive/aggressive anger, for instance, can go undetected by those experiencing or receiving it. Sarcasm, sabotage, ignoring someone, so-called constructive criticism are all forms of covert anger.
It doesn't take much to anger some people. Even the most innocent comments can cause some tempers to flare. Innocuous situations can be misinterpreted leading to screaming matches, cursing, or physical altercations. In an instant, violence can erupt where calm once existed and destruction of property, injury to one's person, or psychological damage can occur. Patience, understanding, forgiveness, and compassion are replaced by personal entitlement and arrogance.
Check out Webster's dictionary. Anger is defined as "a feeling of discomfort or displeasure brought about by feelings of helplessness and powerlessness." My personal definition of a victim is one who views themselves as having no power or authority. Many times, a victim will claim that in a certain situation where they made a less than ideal decision, they did so because they had no choice. "I had to pay my mechanic for fixing my car even though I know he overcharged me. I had no choice!" This leaves the individual feeling cheated, taken advantage of, and treated unfairly.
Today is "tax day". For millions of American tax payers it is probably their least favorite time of the year, propelling them into a state of duress and anxiety. For a business owner such as myself the task of gathering all of my receipts and itemizing my expenses is time consuming and definitely not on my list of top ten favorite any things. A highly qualified CPA makes the process of filing much easier for me... that is, until we hit a snag between banking protocol and IRS regulations conce ing IRA rollovers which seem to contradict one another.
"I did everything I was supposed to: I worked hard, raised my family, helped others. Now I'm retiring and want to enjoy life and I'm diagnosed with cancer. It's not fair!" A tearful "Susan" sat in my office last year, steeped in anger over the injustice of her diagnosis and fluctuating between rage and deep despair. Life handed her a raw deal. Over and over she asked "Why me?" She didn't have any risk factors associated with cancer. Yet one day it appeared, uninvited, unwelcomed, unfairly intruding on her life. I didn't have the answers she was seeking.
One of the predominant complaints I hear from my clients is "This isn't fair!" Referring to an incident where they or someone else has suffered a perceived injustice, they feel angered that things were not equitable. There is a universal misconception that if you play by the rules you will be treated justly. If you show up at work on time each day and put in a productive eight hours, you'll receive your yearly raise and Christmas bonus. If you are a loyal and faithful spouse your partner will appreciate you and yours will be a fairytale marriage.
Forgiveness is oftentimes misunderstood and difficult to put into action. For some, when another offends or betrays them, moving beyond the anger and the need to get even can feel impossible.
You've heard me say in previous shows that anger is a normal, healthy, and in many cases a useful emotion. While some may believe that the feeling itself is wrong or bad, it's not. It is the way we choose to express it and use it determines if it becomes a positive force in our lives to bring about beneficial change or a destructive force which makes matters worse for us or for those around us.
If your brother said something hurtful to you, how would you respond? If your best friend betrayed you, what would you do? If your neighbor damaged your property and failed to make restitution, how would you handle it? Some seek revenge. They subscribe to the adage, "Don't get mad. Get even!" After all, "an eye for an eye" is fair, right? Even Donald Trump said that, in business, if someone cheats you cheat ‘em back. Why would one believe that revenge is an appropriate response?
I love creating simple strategies individuals can use to experience less anger or stress in their lives, to improve their communications skills, resolve conflicts easier or create inner peace. From the SWaT Strategy* to TECO Magic*, The Great Duck and Dishtowel Debate* or the Seven C's of Conflict Resolution, I find that the simpler it is, the easier it is to remember and apply. My latest, S~T~A, provides a pragmatic way to prevent any situation from becoming inflammatory and destructive.
Have you been upset about an issue that seems to make no sense and asked yourself, "Why did I get so angry over something that was relatively minor?" Oftentimes, our response is triggered not by the present issue but from an alte ative source. Odd as it may seem, the past and future can hold the keys to why we are angry. It is the discovery of these secrets that can enable us to live an anger-free life. Let's take a look at each one: The Past:
It's difficult for a lot of people to communicate with each other effectively. Unless you're a recluse, communication is something we all do every day. Perhaps because I'm a motivational speaker, author, and radio host, I can talk ad infinitum. I actually find it enjoyable and relatively easy. Yet there is a significant difference between talking and communicating: talking requires only one person, communication includes at least one additional person. Although everyone may be speaking the same language, it's not uncommon to become frustrated and angry with each other while dialoguing.
If you've been following the presidential debates, you are well aware of the bullying behaviors of some of our candidates. Gone are the days when politicians debated national and global issues. Shockingly, but not surprisingly, the debates have mutated into verbal warfare against each opponent. So who is to blame for this vile behavior? Many would point a finger at one candidate in particular who, from the get go, set the tone of slinging insults and vulgarities at his opponents. However, upon closer examination, it becomes quite evident that he is not the culprit.
When I was a child, my mom always utilized natural methods for healing. Fevers were treated with cold compresses to the forehead, sucking on frozen juice pops, and cool baths. Burns were treated with ice, colds with chicken soup. Rarely was medication given to restore health.
No, I'm not speaking about that "F" word. I'm going to address two different words beginning with the letter "f" and how they influence the decisions we make, our responses in any given situation, and how the outcome adds to or subtracts from our happiness and/or contributes to our anger. Those two words are "feelings" and "facts". Let me explain.
Conflict is a natural and even healthy aspect of life. It enables us to see another perspective of an issue, to creatively discuss and seek solutions to our differences, to learn to be open-minded and flexible, to practice the fine art of compromise or in some instances to graciously concede to the other party's wishes. On many levels, it can be a very useful tool for our personal growth and development enabling us to better get along with one another. Yet for a large portion of the population, conflict spells f-i-g-h-t, from which we either prepare our defenses or flee the scene in haste.
I facilitated an anger management support group for several years. One woman began attending shortly after our first meeting. Her name was Joan. Joan's marriage of thirty plus years was in trouble. Admitting she had a bad temper, her husband recently filed for divorce. She was devastated. "I don't want to lose him," she said, fighting back the tears. "He's such a good man and I really do love him. I need to learn how to control my anger. Can you help me?"
People take life far too seriously. There are important issues in our world such as child abuse, war, poverty, starvation, disease, etc. These are all matters critical for the well-being of humanity. Each one needs to be addressed and resolved quickly in order to protect mankind and eliminate unnecessary suffering. But we give too much credence to incidences of little value and in turn cause ourselves grief and heartache. Add to that the unnecessary anger we experience and it's no wonder we're all so miserable.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
When I was fourteen, my godparents gave birth to a baby boy after twenty years of marriage. The most joyful day of their lives was shattered by the devastating news that their son had Down's Syndrome. Fifty years ago Downs was a death sentence and Robert was no exception. Three weeks later they buried their only child. I was deeply impacted by the response from my aunt, a woman of deep faith, when questioned about their loss.
Keeping our disagreements from becoming full-blown fights can be challenging. Many times, we're so passionate about our beliefs or what we want to do that any form of opposition causes us to become frustrated and angry. We may prefer that others simply agree with our position or if they don't to remain silent. We may be willing to hear their point of view at times but are not necessarily anxious to discuss it further. Lacking the proper skills necessary to communicate effectively leaves one feeling at a disadvantage and somewhat vulnerable.
Very often people query me as to whether or not anger is a bad emotion to which I reply "No." All emotions have purpose and value. None are good or bad. They simply are. It is how we utilize them, our actions, that determines their positive or negative value. Emotions are messengers that help us better understand ourselves based on how we react to certain stimuli, whether it be a comment or a circumstance. At the root of all anger are three unique feelings: hurt, fear, and frustration. Each one sheds light on what is important to us as well as what internal issues are in need of healing,
There's no doubt: anger takes its toll on every facet of our lives. From on the job, to our personal relationships, to our health and overall enjoyment of life, destructive anger can wreak havoc in our daily lives.
Conflict and fighting are not synonymous. Although they very often go hand-in-hand, disagreements need not end up as arguments, fights, or physical altercations. A conflict is simply two forces in opposition: a husband and wife disagree on where to spend their vacation; you support the Republican party, your friend is a staunch Democrat; best friends listen to radically different music. Conflict can actually be a very positive force in our lives as it introduces us to new ideas, new possibilities, and the opportunity to learn and expand our world.
With the exception of impersonators, most people believe that they only have one voice. That voice is used to express one's feelings and needs. It can be vocalized either loudly or softly; it's tone can change from one of sarcasm to that of compassion; one's voice can be used to express happiness, anger, sadness, silliness, compliments or criticisms. We have our "baby" voice, (typically reserved for newbo s), our disciplinary voice (used for our children), our boisterous voice (most commonly found at ballgames, amusement parks or hurled at obnoxious drivers), and our multi-purpose whisper.
People often believe that they are slaves to their emotions: "I hate feeling like this but I can't help it." Some are ashamed of their emotions and try to hide them; still others find some to be offensive, frightening or sinful. But the truth is that all feelings have purpose and value. They are essential messengers that provide us the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves depending upon which ones enter our hearts. Let's take a look at ten of the most frequently experienced feelings and what they may possibly reveal about us:
When individuals disagree on a subject matter, whether it's politics, religion, home projects, budgeting issues or such, very often the discussion escalates into a full-blown fight. Tensions rise as each side tries to convince the other that their beliefs or ways of doing something are more valid that the others, that they are right on their position. In my conflict resolution training program, I stress the importance of refraining from using the terms right or wrong. To do so indicates an insecurity that needs strengthening by proving oneself superior over another.
As I entered the room I could feel the tension of the forty-eight individuals seated at the oblong conference tables. I was about to present a workshop to these teachers on managing stress. Conditions for educators across the nation have become increasingly more demanding as states mandate more and more changes, where parents are less involved in their children's academic achievements, and children dominate the classroom with disrespectful behaviors. I have a family member who recently resigned from teaching due to the enormous amounts of pressure he's been under.
People don't typically want to interact with those they consider to be bullies or tyrants. Yet contrary to popular belief, bullies are not bad people. It's their behaviors that are appalling. They act out their pain, loneliness, insecurities, and so on in the most offensive and unkind ways. But as I've stated repeatedly, behavior is only an outward expression of one's internal issues. Having said that, many people are hesitant to interact with them, uncertain of the bully's reactions or if they will be safe in doing so.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Last week our country was shattered by yet another senseless massacre of innocent people. A gunman opened fire inside Pulse, a crowded gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, early Sunday morning, leaving at least 49 people dead in the worst mass shooting in modern U.S. history. Gays have long been targets of hate crimes throughout the world as have others as well. Heated debates in Congress and among US citizens on gun control laws have been occurring for years but as of late have intensified due to incidences such as this.
We live in a harsh and judgmental world where people are quick to point out the faults and imperfections of others yet seem oblivious to their own. Some misguided souls believe they have a moral obligation and civil duty to help you to be a better person by telling you what a failure you really are first and then offering suggestions as to how you can improve. They are so brazen as to cleverly present negative comments under the guise of being constructive.
Conversations can be risky at times. The more sensitive the topic, the more delicately we need to approach it while maintaining a truthful and honest demeanor . The subtle balance between being blunt and abrasive or being effectual is one that many are not equipped to navigate.
When something goes wrong in your life, who do you blame? “I’m in so much debt because the economy is bad and everything is so expensive. It’s not my fault” “My mother always criticized me when I was a child. That’s why I suffer from low self esteem and make so many bad choices.” Sadly, many people hold others accountable for what isn’t working in their life. Things are a mess and rather than take ownership they blame others. What they don’t realize is that blame robs them of personal power.
The recent trophy killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe by an American dentist has enraged the world. Social media has exploded with demands to bring the killer to justice and ban hunting entirely. I am an animal love in every sense of the word and share in the anger that so many others feel. Yet as angry as I am over the senseless slaughter of one of the world's most majestic creatures, I am far more horrified at the gruesome beheading of Christians around the world by radical extremists.
In 1995, author, psychologist, and science jou alist, Daniel Goleman, wrote a book entitled, Emotional Intelligence which made its way to The New York Times bestseller list for a year-and-a-half. It was a relatively new concept designed to assist companies in determining which characteristics defined leadership qualities in their employees. Certainly one's level of intelligence, (IQ), was critical.
Road rage is one of the leading causes of accidents and deaths in this country. According to a report by CNN, an estimated 28,000 people each year are killed due to aggressive drivers. It's easy to see how cities such as Miami, NY, Boston, LA, and Washington DC (the cities with the most offenses) have a higher than average number of stressed out, hostile drivers. Yet stress isn't the cause of road rage as some may believe. If it were, then anyone feeling under pressure who gets behind the wheel of a vehicle would react with dangerous maneuvers.
We are living in a very volatile and dangerous age. Not only have issues of domestic violence, child and animal abuse, anger in the workplace and so on been more apparent, but we are definitely witnessing a rise of violence within our communities. Gangs and individual assaults seem to be taking a back seat to protests by militant groups claiming to seek justice but who in actuality are promoting and engaging in acts of violence themselves. What could be a peaceful gathering intent on seeking a reasonable solution to a problem escalates to one of violence and often bloodshed.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
I've been teaching people about anger for nearly twenty five years. What I do is commonly referred to as anger management training. However, this implies that people must first become irate and then seek methods of how to manage it effectively, express it appropriately, and ultimately put it to rest so it does not cause further distress or damage. This makes about as much sense as allowing your house to catch on fire and then taking the necessary steps to extinguish the flames. Firefighters emphasize the importance of fire prevention as a more intelligent approach to fire safety.
I have been busy with the media discussing the recent killing of seventeen year old Trayvon Martin in Sanford, Florida. A volunteer with a local neighborhood watch committee observed Martin walking alone wearing a “hoodie” sweatshirt draped over his head. The volunteer, George Zimmerman, called the local police to report a suspicious male who “looks like he's up to no good or on drugs or something.” The dispatcher inquired as to whether he was black, white or Hispanic.