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Conflict: one of the most feared words in the English language and sadly one of the most misunderstood as well. My mission: to bring deeper awareness to this benign term, to remove all preconceived negativity associated with disagreements, and to reinstate it's position of value in our vocabulary. If anyone is prepared to undertake such a loft goal, it is I - Conflict Resolution Girl! (Ta-da-ta-da!)
We all have the opportunity to be mediators at various times in our lives. Two family members are arguing and cannot come to a resolution about the issue in dispute. We intervene and lend a helping hand. Perhaps an objective third part can offer some insights or suggestions that have alluded both parties. Where there is dissension there is discord which can easily lead to anger, aggression, and broken relationships . Our role is to help restore harmony between both parties so that they may find a peaceful resolution to the issue and maintain the integrity of their relationship.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
"One of my coworkers is so annoying! She's always making personal calls when she's supposed to be working. Then when she can't finish her work she asks me for help!"
I've spoken many times about the importance of all feelings, anger included. With every emotion we experience, we have the ability to learn much about ourselves. No feeling is inherently wrong. It's how we choose to express and use them that determines their value.
Check out Webster's dictionary. Anger is defined as "a feeling of discomfort or displeasure brought about by feelings of helplessness and powerlessness." My personal definition of a victim is one who views themselves as having no power or authority. Many times, a victim will claim that in a certain situation where they made a less than ideal decision, they did so because they had no choice. "I had to pay my mechanic for fixing my car even though I know he overcharged me. I had no choice!" This leaves the individual feeling cheated, taken advantage of, and treated unfairly.
Here it is: the beginning of another new year. All around the globe people are making New Year's resolutions to lose weight, be happier, spend more quality time with their families and so on. I find it rather odd that in a world filled with anger and violence no one makes a declaration to "not be so angry". While it's realistic to think we can be less angry, is it reasonable to expect that we experience no anger at all? And if so, it is even wise? After all, anger, as with all emotions, is a necessary and useful feeling. So why would anyone want to eliminate it completely?
Have you ever disappointed someone or broken a promise? Was the incident serious enough to ultimately compromise the trust between you? We all have been untrustworthy at some point. That doesn't mean that we're bad or selfish. Sometimes, even under the best of circumstances, we let people down. We give them information believing it to be true only to discover it lacked integrity. "You lied to me! I'll never trust you again!"
While it's important to understand, express, manage, diffuse, and heal your anger, imagine howr
In his book, Self Matters, Dr. Phil explains that each of us has ten defining moments in our lives. These moments are deep and profound and can change who we are and redirect the course of our lives. While I've never actually counted mine, I can easily identify the top three.
We are living in a very volatile and dangerous age. Not only have issues of domestic violence, child and animal abuse, anger in the workplace and so on been more apparent, but we are definitely witnessing a rise of violence within our communities. Gangs and individual assaults seem to be taking a back seat to protests by militant groups claiming to seek justice but who in actuality are promoting and engaging in acts of violence themselves. What could be a peaceful gathering intent on seeking a reasonable solution to a problem escalates to one of violence and often bloodshed.
When disagreements arise there is always the possibility that they will escalate into an argument or fight. The very nature of dissension triggers feelings of uneasiness in the average person. Most of us struggle with some degree of insecurity. Contradictory ideas, needs, beliefs, ways of doing things, or opinions challenge us and may threaten our sense of safety or question our level of intelligence. Our natural response to any perceived threat is resistance - we fight to preserve our integrity, to get what we want, or to prove ourselves right.
We all have them: the obnoxious siblings, the drama queen mother, the trouble-maker cousin, the gossip monger, know-it-alls, rude, selfish, and even mean-spirited family members. We try to avoid them yet fate often intervenes and brings us face-to-face with our nemesis. We dread family gatherings and holidays are preceded by weeks of anxiety and fabricated excuses for absenteeism. "I like my friends much better. You can choose them and if they get on your nerves you just cancel your subscription. I don't have to put up with their nonsense. But you're stuck with relatives forever!"
I abhor rumors and gossip. They're petty, destructive, and hateful. Yet, truth-be-told, I have engaged in gossip from time-to-time. I'm not proud of it, just honest. I could try to justify it by saying that I've only done so out of conce for others. Sometimes the sharing of information about another person can genuinely be an act of concern. One may do so to gain insight into their behaviors in order to offer them assistance with a personal issue or to alert others who may need to know so they may intervene.
We could all use a few suggestions for dealing with those difficult coworkers, obnoxious family members, or challenging neighbors that find their way into our lives. Some really know how to push our buttons and bring out the worst in us; others are stubborn or opinionated; still others can be rude, disrespectful, or argumentative. Whatever their unique behaviors are, they pose a challenge to everyone they encounter. It's easy to become frustrated and short-tempered but that rarely makes the situation better. Some find it easier to simply avoid them whenever possible.
Forgiveness: so many misconceptions and misunderstandings; so many who believe forgiveness is reserved for a chosen few or must be preceded with an apology. Still others feel at times that it is impossible or worse, that there are those not deserving of its graces. And so they suffer...all of them, when healing is clearly within their reach. Please take a moment and reflect on a letter from the Father expressing the importance and necessity of His sacred gift of forgiveness. A Letter From God With Love My dear children,
While conducting research for today's show, I found fourteen of the most common reasons people get angry. Keep in mind, these are only the triggers. Outside circumstances are never the actual cause. There are three root causes - hurt, fear, and frustration - that prompt anger in us. Let's examine some of the most frequent experiences that elicit an angry response and what steps we need to take to combat each.
I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who never experiences stress. Most of us become frustrated when things don't go the way we planned or when others don't comply with how we want them to be or behave. A sense of losing control triggers feelings of uncertainty within us. Mild anxiety, or sometimes full blown fear, propels us to seek to regain power over the situation or individual. Yet authentic power is never about exerting authority over others but rather demonstrates our ability to remain unaffected adversely by our exte al environment.
No matter where you go in life, you'll find that humans share similar goals: we are all seeking happiness, success, good health, wealth, and love. Some are fortunate to acquired some or all of them. And yet as quickly as we obtain them we can lose them or they can disappoint and hurt us. You study and prepare for the career of a lifetime, reaching the pinnacle of success only to suffer the consequences of a failing economy. At the end of a long day you return home from work to a wonderful family but all you do is bicker with one another.
I enjoy a good robust debate. I find it can be very stimulating and present an opportunity for me to learn something new. In every facet of life, we encounter individuals with whom we have disagreements. Recently, a woman in her forties came into my office seeking suggestions as to how she could best deal with her soon-to-be ex husband.
We're all familiar with the phrase "Silence is golden". This proverb dates as far back as ancient Egypt, making reference to the importance of keeping quiet under certain circumstances. The first example of it being used in English is credited to the poet Thomas Carlyle in 1831. Certainly there are times when silence is the better option than speaking up: • If a matter being discussed or the situation occurring does not involve me, then it may be in my best interest not to comment on it.
Each one of my children threw one temper tantrum in their lives. As with all toddlers, overwhelming frustration can lead to a meltdown of epic proportions. I was not the kind of mother who would wait patiently until them calmed down. Not me! I walked right up to them, grabbed their shoulders, put my face squarely in front of theirs, and in a stern, no nonsense voice of imposing authority informed them that there was no way in Heaven I was going to put up with their screaming, stomping, body-slamming fits of rage.
People often tell me, "My problem is that I'm just too nice! That's why I get hurt a lot." But what they perceive as a case of terminal politeness, I see as an issue of passive behavior. Don't misunderstand: most of these people truly are nice. But those who are yes people, who don' t disagree for fear of upsetting the other party, the keep-the-peace-at-all-costs people are not acting out from a place of virtue. They are, in fact, dealing with issues of fear and insecurity. Do any of the following behaviors apply to you:
For the most part, I don't associate with people who difficult to get along with. Being a sole entrepreneur, I am not subjected to dealing with obnoxious coworkers, irate customers or demanding bosses (although I am tough to work for but fortunately I get along very well with myself). Socially, I am free to screen who I choose to spend time with and can distance myself from those who are problematic. Family, however, is where many of us face our greatest challenge.
Effectively communicating with others can present enough challenges without the added issue of one who twists and distorts your words. Below is a transcript of a recent conversation I had with someone (who refers to himself as a member of the black race) on facebook. He posted the controversial chant "Black Lives Matter" in an attempt to garner support against the recent shootings of black men by white cops.(My posts are preceded by the initials JP.)
In last week's show, we spoke about why some people choose not to forgive and why it's essential to do so. There are many reasons and two of the biggest are: they feel the person is not deserving of being forgiven; 2. they feel that should they grant pardon, the other party will think the incident was not serious, will not have to be held accountable, or may very well repeat the offense. Although none of these is true, they are considered by many to be valid reasons. However, as I stated previously, to withhold absolution can have dire consequences for the one who was harmed.
How many of you would like to live a stress-free life? I'm guessing it would be quite a few. Most people I know view stress as a negative experience. Yet like any emotion, it doesn't have to prove detrimental to our health or overall well-being.
In regards to anger, I have good news and some bad news. First the good news: there is nothing wrong with being angry. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It is even necessary for justice to preside as well as for our very survival. The bad news is that it is not ok to express it whenever and however we want. Letting it out can prove to be detrimental to our health, well-being, safety, and even our very lives. According to a study at Stanford University, explosive outbursts can lead to the formation of blood clots. And we know all-to-well that one clot to the heart or brain can be deadly.
Is there someone in your life that you either refuse to forgive or are having a hard time with? I've often heard people make statements such as "I'll never forgive them for what they did!" Or, "Some things should never be forgiven." Still others feel that some people simple do not deserve exoneration. Why are some reluctant to do so when others believe it is absolutely necessary and must be offered to the offending party? Shouldn't the choice to extend absolution be a personal one? Let's first examine some of the reasons why people withhold this act:
Difficult people - ya gotta love em! Or not. Whether you do or don't, it's a fact of life that they are all around us - in our families, places of employment, communities, social events, and everywhere else. For whatever reasons, we all have personal issues that cause us to behave in ways others may find offensive, challenging or just plain problematic. It is our responsibility to pay close attention not to the other person's behavior but to our own, making sure we are not the one sporting the "Hi, my name is Ob Noxious" name tag.
Do you ever wonder why it's so hard to break a habit? Whether it's biting your finge ails, the way you speak, or your reaction to drivers who cut you off on the highway, old habits die hard. The reason being is that behaviors, when repeated frequently enough, become habitual. We no longer consciously think about what we are doing or saying. We react rather than intentionally respond to a person or situation.
Wouldn't life be wonderful if every time we disagreed with someone we could find a perfect solution that would satisfy each party and put the issue to rest once and for all? So often when a conflict arises, we spend an enormous amount of time and energy debating it, trying to prove our position, pointing out to the other person how and why their stance is wrong, and trying earnestly to convince them to see things and do things our way.
There are so many times in our lives when we realize after the fact that it would have been in our best interest to have kept our thoughts to ourselves. Words are powerful and can make matters better or cause damage to others or get us into a whole lot of trouble. There is much wisdom in the old adage to "think before you speak", sage advice for us to follow throughout our entire lives. The Bible tells us that there is a time to reap and a time to sow, a time to laugh and a time to cry. There is also a time to speak and a time to keep our mouths shut. Here are more than twenty such times:r
Goodwill and Profit were playing ping-pong in my head. My new book, The Secret Side of Anger, was just released in paperback. The original version, in audio, has been on the market since 2008. Friday's mailbox contained an order for the 4 CD set, retailing for $39.99. What the buyer didn't realize was that we're offering a pre-release special: purchase the paperback for $12.99 (a true bargain!) and receive the audio for only $16.99. That's a huge savings which she apparently was unaware of. I prepared to fill the order when suddenly I felt an internal tug of war.
There is a over abundance of books, articles, and blogs written on the subject of gratitude but did you know that being grateful is actually an antidote to anger?
America, despite all of her current woes, still remains the greatest country in the world. One of our ultimate freedoms is the right to openly express ourselves without fear of retribution. Jou alists, reporters and news broadcasters are all guaranteed protection under the Constitution.
I don't worry much. When an issue arises that cause me distress, my mind instantly begins searching for possible solutions. I wasn't always like this - it took years of awareness and effort but it has certainly paid off. Take this past week, for example. I use a service to heavily promote both my radio show and my books. I've been affectionately referred to as a "marketing machine" by some who know me on social media. When one of my social media sites changed their format, what used to take me twenty minutes to accomplish took two and a half hours.
In 1995, author, psychologist, and science jou alist, Daniel Goleman, wrote a book entitled, Emotional Intelligence which made its way to The New York Times bestseller list for a year-and-a-half. It was a relatively new concept designed to assist companies in determining which characteristics defined leadership qualities in their employees. Certainly one's level of intelligence, (IQ), was critical.
Divorce - it's a word that makes me cringe every time I hear it. Mine was thirty-two years ago (not of my choosing) and was one of the most painful periods of my life. Two people brought together in love take a sacred vow to love, honor, and cherish one another for ete ity. No one ever says, "Till I get tired of you" or "Until you become too much work" or "Unless I find someone better." If that were the case, I dare to say few couples would choose to tie the knot.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Families: they can be our greatest source of joy or a never ending cause of stress. Some might like to have a few parts replaced, others may prefer to trade theirs in for a more suitable model. Some are grateful to have a family regardless while others would prefer to travel through life solo. If you're a member of a family, then you know how challenging it can be to deal with the wide scope of personalities, quirky behaviors, opposing viewpoints, different needs, beliefs, and values, along with varying methods of how members doing things.
We're all influenced by those around us and by what is occurring in our lives. Something as simple as the weather can affect how we feel. A cloudy, rainy day can take an otherwise cheerful person and transform them into a gloomy Gus of sorts. Being stuck in traffic can alter one's mood from that of excitement for what begins as a day filled with great anticipation to one of frustration and agitation. Moods can be uplifted or crushed by outside circumstances and once that occurs it can be very difficult to regain the positive mind frame we originally had.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
People often ask me if they should say something to someone or make a particular life decision. My response to them is, "Why would you and how are you planning to?" Motive (intent) is a key factor in determining the validity of any decision. "No one likes my sister-in-law and I'm going to tell her." While I'm not opposed to addressing this issue, I question the reasons. Is it to hurt her feelings, put her in her place, make yourself look wonderful? Or is it to help her understand why her relationships aren't working, thereby giving her the opportunity to improve them?
We've all found ourselves in situations where we feel as though we're caught between a rock and a hard place. Faced with making a necessary decision, our choices are less than favorable and all options have potentially serious consequences. Your best friend confides that she's having an affair and begs you not to tell her husband. But her husband is your brother-in-law. Your two best friends have a falling out and each insists that you ally with them and break off all contact with the other. The problem is you still care about each one.
We live in a harsh and judgmental world where people are quick to point out the faults and imperfections of others yet seem oblivious to their own. Some misguided souls believe they have a moral obligation and civil duty to help you to be a better person by telling you what a failure you really are first and then offering suggestions as to how you can improve. They are so brazen as to cleverly present negative comments under the guise of being constructive.
They all complained about the daily gossip that ran rampant among them. Every one participated in it yet ironically no one could understand why they would be targeted. In the fifteen years I worked at the battered women's shelter, both staff and residents criticize those who engaged in rumors while also being the first to initiate the next juicy scandal. Any one of them could have had a successful career as a reporter for the National Inquirer. However, should their ears heed disparaging words about themselves, all hell would break loose. A verbal confrontation could easily turn physical.
At some time in life, most people feel as though they've been treated unfairly to the extent that they would consider themselves a victim. Certainly those who have been the target of a violent crime fall into that category according to society's standards. Even those of lesser offenses can view themselves as the target of injustice: a faithful spouse who's partner has an affair or files for divorce; a child being tormented by a bully at school; one who has a rumor spread about them, particularly those that cause significant damage or distress.
Relationships are the most challenging aspect of life whether personal, professional, casual or intimate. Even with those we love deeply, such as family members, getting along can prove challenging. Consider this: more than half of all American families are estranged from one another due in part to unresolved differences. Yet it is not imperative that our differences be resolved, for if they were then we would all be in agreement with one another all of the time.
We all argue. Well, for sure we all disagree. Arguing is an option. We can peacefully debate opposite sides of a topic and without having it escalate to anger, shouting, name-calling, and hurt feelings. Yet oftentimes it does. When people do not feel as though they are being heard or understood they become upset. They are conce ed that what matters to them will be overlooked and their needs will not be considered. So they increase the volume or use stronger words or statements in an attempt to get their point across.