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Have you ever woken in the middle of the night feeling anxious about your future and wondering, “Is this all there is? Have I reached my peak and it’s all downhill from here?” Do you feel that tightness in your chest or the emptiness in your stomach that you’re not doing ‘it’ right, that you won’t ‘make it’?
When one sets out to build and strengthen their relationship with their Self, it’s very much like building a new relationship with a potential significant other. Think about it. When you first begin dating someone new, you are on your best behavior, sure to only say nice things and use your best manners. You treat them kindly and with generosity and sweetness. That is of course, if you want to see them again. Let’s agree for the sake of this conversation that you will want to spend more time with your Self, OK?
I read somewhere that women will spend on average 8 years of their life shopping! It was something like 25,000 hours over the course of a 63-year life span. For someone who is more like a shop-a-phobic than a shop-a-holic, this is a staggering concept to me. One out of 20 women cannot control their urge to shop. Whether they need the item or not!
I just love the DVR, don’t you? Over the holidays, during some much needed down time, I caught up on some of my favorite shows, including Oprah. (I had close to 15 shows in the queue!) One day I was watching her interview with the Aussie Country Music star, Keith Urban, who is married to Nicole Kidman.
It is not uncommon for those of us in the healing profession to simultaneously be experiencing the exact same things our clients are experiencing.That’s one of the greatest gifts, I find, in being a healer, we heal in others that which needs to be healed in our self. Recently I have noticed a common thread in my conversations with almost every client, the illusion of control has been running the show and nothing is getting done other than frustration, self-sabotage and negative self-talk.
Carolyn Myss says that every time you take action to grow, the very next thing to occur is self-sabotage. Every single time! I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t add to my willingness to move forward. Yet moving forward I must, so let’s take this self-sabotage thing on straight away. For me it’s that feeling of being a fraud. Every time I decide to play bigger and put myself out there to serve more, I hear that voice inside say, “I wouldn’t do that, they’re going to find you out!”
Do you ever feel like you are leading a double life? When you are “out there” in public, networking, at work, with clients or just socializing with friends, you are one woman. Then when you are alone, behind closed doors, looking in the mirror or hiding under the covers, you are someone completely different? I was talking to a close friend just yesterday and she said as soon as the elevator doors opened up to her floor at work, she puts on her “happy face” and leaves all her troubles on the elevator behind her.
Think of your life like a huge mansion. The west wing represents your childhood; the east wing, your adolescence. There is a wing that represents your young adulthood, and one that holds the memories of your more recent adulthood. There is probably a section of this home that reflects back on your pre married days as well as each child as they came into your life. And of course there is the area that represents the courtship with your honey, as well as the most recent years leading up to now. I’m sure you get the picture by now.
This month has kind of felt like I’ve been walking through sludge! I’ve been experiencing some growing pains and bumping up against some really deep inner barriers. The kind of stuff that drains your energy on all levels, physical, emotional and spiritual. I bet you know exactly what I mean, don’t you? Over the past week or so I’ve started to come out of it. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel was not a train, as I had feared, but it was a brightly lit candle illuminating the path of my future.
At the beginning of this year I committed to investing in my business in a new and bigger way. No more playing small. I joined a year long Master Mind facilitated by my Coach and Mentor Cari Vollmer. In this mastermind group are other like minded women who share very similar goals as me. We are all in this group to grow our businesses and fully thrive in our lives. We hold each other accountable, help one another set and reach goals.
As soon as we commit to making our personal growth and development a priority it can seem as if all our old patterns and limiting beliefs come out of the woodwork in their attempts to maintain the status quo. The voices in our head get louder and it can feel like an all out battle is going on in our minds. Thoughts like: "I can't do that!" "What makes me think I can have this?" "I don't deserve to be happy, rich, thin. That's for other people, not me!" "I'm not smart enough, attractive enough, experienced enough . . . I'm not enough." But here's the thing: They are not true!
In our last issue of “Core Connections” we talked about the importance of building a strong and dependable support system consisting of carefully chosen friends with whom you can depend. That was part one of creating a Power House support system. Part two requires creating an inner team of support. When we set out to create a life and business that we love, are passionate about and fulfills us, we often feel like we are doing it on our own. At times it can be very lonely and isolating.
The idea of Personal Growth and Development, in my opinion, is about building and strengthening your relationship with your SELF. It’s about understanding your SELF better, and improving your SELF-awareness. The better you understand how you tick, what your unique needs are, and what works for you (and what doesn’t), the happier and more fulfilled you will be — and the easier life will flow for you. An integral part of building this relationship with yourself is to make the connection with your Inner Wisdom.
There is a story our Rabbi shares every year during the High Holy days.
I was working with a client recently who was terribly challenged by a very old block that forced her to hold back from expressing herself freely and authentically.
The first time I heard someone talk about 'living an authentic life' I was sitting in the audience of The Landmark Forum. This concept was new to me. I had not yet begun my coach training, and this whole idea of living one's truth was foreign. What do you mean live my truth? I am who I am.
Last week I sent out an email asking for your response to what holds you back from making the changes in your life you say you want to make. I am so grateful for the responses I received. I was also interested yet not so surprised at the answers. The top three reasons were:
I was raised in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood and attended Hebrew school, became a Bat Mitzvah and continued on to complete Confirmation. I was very active in my Temple community as a member of the youth program and even became a Para-professional. Which meant I assisted the Special Education Hebrew teacher during the school year.
In the last issue of Core Connections we talked about the vital importance of making the connection between you and your Inner Wisdom. To clarify what your Inner Wisdom of Success is, consider this. Before you started this journey called Life, your Spirit created a “blueprint” that among other things, contained all the questions about all the challenges and obstacles you would encounter during this lifetime, as well as all the answers and solutions. Then you tucked this blueprint away somewhere deep inside your soul, in a place only you could access.
I keep hearing from all the gurus out there that I need to make my marketing message about how I help my clients Make More Money! Well guess what? Even though making more money is awesome, (let’s be real here, who doesn’t want more money?) the women who are attracted to my work want something much more valuable than money! They want Love! Now money can get me a lot of cool things. But as The Beatles most eloquently put it, Money Can’t Buy Me Love!
The other day I met up with a friend of mine for breakfast. As we were chatting and catching up, the conversation of teenage girls came up and she mentioned that her high school aged daughters were experiencing some difficult times in school. It seems that one of her daughter’s friends has taken up a practice that is becoming more and more prevalent in our teens these days.
Friends are like bras... close to your heart and there for support. I don’t know who said it so I can’t give credit. I love it though, don’t you?
Where were you on this day last year? What were you doing? Who were you being? What were your challenges, your triumphs and your failures? What were you proud of? Where are you today? What are you doing? Who are you being? What are your challenges, your triumphs and your failures?
When I ask new clients what they would like more of in their lives almost all of them include "more fun" to the top of the list! I think that's true for all of us really. So why aren't we having more fun? See if any of these reasons look familiar to you: 1. We take ourselves much too seriously. 2. There are other, "more important" things to do. 3. We think it will cost a lot. 4. We are too tired. 5. We don't have time. (WE DON'T HAVE TIME?) 6. We'll look foolish. 7. It's too hard to plan. The reality is these are just excuses.
At such a young age we begin to seek out approval from others. It begins as toddlers looking to our parents for approval, as adolescents it's our friends, and once we enter the working world it's all of the above in addition to our boss and colleagues. It seems we are constantly seeking out the approval of others. In my yoga class a few weeks ago the instructor quoted a sociologist whose teachings he had studied.
Trust me when I tell you I understand what it's like to be so scared of moving forward that you actually become paralyzed with fear. So you do nothing, and pray that the courage comes soon. Three different occasions come to mind for me right now.
I always wanted a tattoo growing up. I thought they were so cool. Of course my mother forbade me until I was 18 and "out from under her roof". I wound up waiting until I was 34 and my sister Missy and I went together to get them. We had both put a lot of thought into what we wanted, knowing it would be there for...well...ever! The message that I wanted to share with the world in the form of artwork on my body was the Chinese symbol for Happiness. Why Happiness? For me that sums it all up. If I'm happy then everything else in my life is on track.
When I first started my journey to clean up my life and build and strengthen my relationship with myself, I started by investing in resources that would deepen my learning. I bought lots of books about self-healing and personal growth & development. Some books I read more than once to be sure it all sank in. Once I finished those, I began attending adult education classes, seminars and taking personality tests. Then I hired a coach.
“Since 1972, women's overall level of happiness has dropped, both relative to where they were forty years ago, and relative to men. You find this drop in happiness in women regardless of whether they have kids, how many kids they have, how much money they make, how healthy they are, what job they hold, whether they are married, single or divorced, how old they are, or what race they are.
I remember back in 2003 when I finished reading "The Da Vinci Code", Adam and I had a great conversation about the book and our different interpretations of its meaning. What I recall was how strongly I felt about the power of female energy. I said to Adam "Can you imagine what our world would be like now if our History were governed and led by women?" Think about that for a moment . . . We all have characteristics of both the male and female energy in us. Female energy is nurturing, the energy of Home, oneness, and the inner aspect of things.
I recently listened to a guided visualization that brought me to a ‘Temple of The Masters” where I was to meet up with my Higher Self. The next thing I see in my mind’s eye is this 12 foot tall woman dressed in white flowing garb and she was literally floating about 6 inches over the ground.
Please pardon my choice of words I hope I didn’t offend you. I just couldn’t find a better word to describe what I am experiencing right now. I remember as a kid when my legs would hurt my mom would say, “Oh you’re just experiencing growing pains.” I thought, OK that makes sense, a small price to pay to get a little taller. Now as I experience them, I don’t feel the same willingness to comply as this pain, the pain of growing not taller, but wiser, brings on a whole new level of discomfort!
Referring back to the email I sent out a few weeks ago about those things that keep us from making the changes in our lives that we SAY we want to make, I would like to briefly touch upon the third most common excuse: “I’m scared of what I might find out.” Could it be that we are so numb by our current way of being that we would rather play it safe and maintain our mediocre status quo than risk going through some tough times for the gift of experiencing life and all her magnificence?
I recently watched a show on TV where two men were stranded on an island together, and the one younger man was going through detox from his drug addiction. The older man knew of the younger man’s dilemma as he was holding a stash of his drugs. In a moment of compassion the older man showed the drug addict a moth in its cocoon beginning to break free. He explained that he could easily set the moth free by aiding it in breaking through the cocoon. Yet, in doing so he wouldn’t be helping the moth at all, for it would be too weak to survive.
I remember watching Cheryl Richardson tell Oprah that women must start putting themselves at the top of their own priority list. Even above the needs of their children. I also remember watching the audience; perhaps for the first time ever, boo a guest of Oprah’s. Now this was about ten years ago and while many women have begun to see the importance of self-care and putting their needs ahead of others, most women still have not gotten the message.
I very clearly remember a moment in October of 2009 when I was on the verge of giving up on my dream. I was stuck in a place I had been stuck in many times before and I couldn’t see a way through it this time. I was holding on to the end of the rope and wondering if it would be easier to just let go.
I remember being told as a child, “You are something else. When you were made they broke the mold!” I thought this was a bad thing because of the context in which it was said. I was usually misbehaving and this was part of my reprimand. As an adult I take that as a compliment! There is no one like me, never has been, never will again. I am completely unique and special and when I leave this Earth, there will be no replacing me. Ever.
You’ve heard that while you’re trying something new, you can “fake it ‘till you make it”. That may be true for a short while and in certain situations, but I’m here to tell you if you are living by that rule in your day-to-day life, then you are in for a rude awakening! Eventually it will catch up with you and all hell will break loose. And you will be looking at the pieces of your broken life wondering what on Earth happened.
I’ve said this many times before and I will repeat it many times again, it is my core belief and the essence of my philosophy. The relationship you have with your Self is the foundation for all the other relationships in your life. If you don’t have a strong, loving relationship with your Self, you will continue to experience struggle in other areas of your life. And when you do experiencing that struggle, the first place I will always encourage you to look is inside. You will find your guidance there.
We are always surrounded by unseen resources just waiting to support our every desire. I call it The Magic Behind The Curtain. It’s the Universe, our Spirit Guides, Angels, God, family and friends who have passed and many other energetic beings who are always available to help us on our journey.