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199 articles by Darlene Lancer · showing 50

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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire. But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the façade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work hard to avoid feeling that shame. This gap is true for other codependents, as well, but a narcissist uses defense mechanisms that are destructive to relationships and cause pain and damage to their loved ones’ self-esteem.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

How to Set Personal Boundaries

Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. It’s easy to understand exte al boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak-up. Boundaries also are also internal, discussed below. There are several areas where boundaries apply:r

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Profile of a Narcissist Attractor

Often a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were raised in unhappy families. People who grew up loving and trusting their parents are also susceptible because they expect others to be loving and trustworthy. Thus, they are less guarded and naive to narcissistic manipulative tactics.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

STEPS TO BE EMPOWERED AND NOT A VICTIM

In recovery circles, being a “victim” is frowned upon. Decades ago, when I heard people say they were no longer a victim, I had no idea what they meant. Actually, a victim is an individual who has been fooled, hurt, or harmed, due to his or her own emotions or ignorance, an unfortunate event, or the actions of someone who deceived, cheated, injured, or killed him or her.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Unraveling Female Narcissism

Female narcissists can be harder to spot; first, because they’re less numerous, and second, because their behavior may be less assertive and public compared to male narcissists. Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. However, narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise in women, as is narcissism in general.[i] Males are usually encouraged to be more confident, decisive, forceful, pushy, and self-assured. Due to cultural biases, male narcissists are bolder than their female counterparts and more likely to strive for wealth, power, and success in their work.r

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

6 STRATEGIES WHEN NARCISSISTS WON’T LET GO

<img class="alignleft wp-image-22176" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/lure-pexels-maël-balland-3099227-838x1024.jpg" alt="lure, bait, seduce, bait and switch" width="326" height="396" />Beware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.”

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Secrets and Lies: The Damage of Deception

<img class="alignleft wp-image-5107 size-medium" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/dishonesty-300x259.jpg" alt="Lies, Betrayal, Secrets, Deception, Adultery" width="300" height="259" /> Trust is a fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships – sometimes irreparably.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

The Trap of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is an addiction, meaning we’re repeatedly unable to stop our perfectionist behaviors. Like other addictions, perfectionism varies in severity and can have negative consequences. It harms our self-esteem, make us unable to accept other people’s differences and their mistakes and flaws, and it can rob us of time with them. We require that things look or are done in a specific, “correct” way in accordance with our perfectionist standards. Some perfectionists attempt to perfect their bodies with repeated surgeries or pursue athleticism to the point of injury.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Christmas Blues? Tips to Cope with the Holidays

The stress of the holidays triggers sadness and depression for many people. This time of year is especially difficult because there’s an expectation of feeling merry and generous. People compare their emotions to what they assume others are experiencing or what they’re supposed to feel and then think that they alone fall short. They judge themselves and feel like an outsider. There’re a host of things that add to stress and difficult emotions during the holidays.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

AUTHENTICITY HEALS: 6 STEPS TO BEING AUTHENTIC

Authenticity is the opposite of shame. It reveals our humanity and allows us to connect with others. Shame creates most all codependency symptoms – including hiding who we are, sacrificing our needs, and saying yes when we rather not – all to be accepted by someone else. It warps our communication and damages our relationships so that we control, patronize, criticize, blame, deny, withdraw, attack, and make empty promises to keep a relationship and reassure ourselves we’re okay even when we don’t believe it. Hiding Who You Are

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Are You Kind or Are You Codependent?

Do you wonder whether you're a kind, empathetic person or are you codependent? There is a difference between empathy and codependency. There are codependents who are abusers and not caring, and some people who are caring and aren't codependent. So what's the difference?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Hidden Truth About Codependent Relationships

There’s a saying, “The ending is in the beginning.” Codependent relationship problems start with their low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and their idealization of love—that it will solve their deeper problems, including shame, which generates beliefs such as: “If I’m loved, I’m lovable,” and “If I’m needed, I won’t be abandoned and lonely.” Codependents have fantasies of how wonderful their relationship will be, “if only…” their partner would transform (with their help.)

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Can You Love Too Much?

Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love. Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and hurt so much. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Love, Lust or Addiction?

Wonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether your obsession about someone is a sign of love or addiction? Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless analyzing doesn’t help or change our feelings, because we’re often driven by forces outside our conscious awareness.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

How to Spot Manipulation

We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest conce in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, it’s veiled hostility, and when abusive methods are used, the objective is merely power. You may not realize that you’re being unconsciously intimidated.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Affirming Your True, Authentic Self

Each time you affirm your true, authentic self, every cell in your body cheers “Yes!” When you negate yourself, it has negative biological consequences. To build self-esteem and affirm your true self, try this: Take action to meet your needs. Express who you really are. Think good thoughts about yourself.r

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

10 Steps to Self-Love and Nurturing

The idea of self-love and self-nurturing baffles most people, especially codependents, who by and large, received inadequate parenting. The word “nurture” comes from the Latin nutritus, meaning to suckle and nourish. It also means to protect and foster growth. For young children, this usually falls to the mother, however, the father’s role is equally important. Both parents need to nurture children.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Do's and Don't's of Positive Conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships. People are different, and their desires and needs will inevitably clash. Resolving disagreements in a healthy way creates understanding and brings couples closer together. The objective should be the betterment of the relationship. This is positive conflict. Below are 24 suggested rules – 12 Do’s and 12 Don’ts – for actualizing this goal. Arguments are Good!

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Do You Feel Trapped in a Relationship?

Do you feel trapped in a relationship you can’t leave? Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of having no choices stems from fear that's often unconscious.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

How to Feel Grateful When You Don't

Many Americans struggling with health, financial, or emotional problems find it challenging to feel grateful around Thanksgiving. Some people always have a habit of looking at the negative. One reason for this is that our brains our predisposed to solve problems, and we take what makes us comfortable for granted. Religion

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Growing Through Divorce

Divorce is a process of separation and transformation - a process that long precedes the dissolution decree. It is important to understand its stages, the cognitive, emotional, physical, legal and spiritual, which, if worked through, can substantially lessen the painful aftermath. Although this might be the most desirable order, it is not usually what happens. This is why we see the "Divorce Court" melodrama - couples trying to make the legal separation while they haven't separated emotionally, though they may be physically apart.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Relationship as a Spiritual Path

What makes us "spiritual" beings? The concept of spirituality is derived from "spiritus," meaning vitality or the breath of life. When we are connected to that force, like an electric charge, our soul awakes; the more we stay connected to that energy, the stronger and more alive is our soul. Our relationships present a constant opportunity to tap into this power. SPIRITUAL PRINCIPALS Consider spiritual ideals, such as faith, truth, surrender, patience and compassion.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Shame - The Hidden Cause of Addiction and Codependency

Shame is so painful to the psyche that most people will do anything to avoid it – even though it’s a natural emotion that everyone has. It’s a physiologic response of the autonomic nervous system. You might blush, have a rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your shoulders, avoid eye contact, withdraw, even get dizzy or nauseous. Why Shame is so Painful and unlike Guilt

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Dilemmas of Codependent Men

The dilemmas of codependent men aren’t talked about. Unlike women, men don’t discuss their relationship problems with friends and family. Instead, they internalize their pain. Many are in denial, suffer in silence, or become numb to their needs and feelings. They shun attention and try to do the right thing and be good sons, husbands, and fathers, focusing instead on making a living and meeting the needs of their wives and children. These codependent men sacrifice themselves and believe that their needs, including the need for time away from their wives, are selfish.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Codependents are the Majority!

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, research revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, it's likely that you're codependent. Don't feel bad if that includes you.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Your Intimacy Index - How to Improve Your Intimacy

There’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means sharing personal information or having sex. Real intimacy is far more. It makes you feel content, empowered, whole, peaceful, alive, and happy. It transforms and nurtures you. Physical closeness, sex, and romance are important to a relationship, but emotional intimacy revitalizes and enlivens it.<!--more-->

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Do You Love a Narcissist?

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Once hooked, you have to contend with their demands, criticisms, and self-centeredness. The relationship revolves around them, and you’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.<!--more-->

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Your Primary Spiritual Relationship - Loving Yourself

Popular culture is focused on attracting love, yet you’ll only be able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. You’ll deflect or guard love that doesn’t resonate with you – like a compliment you don’t believe. The opposite is also true. You’ll allow others to abuse you a bit less than you abuse yourself. So if you desire lasting love, learn to love yourself, because your relationships will parallel your relationship with yourself.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

Probably, and you’re in the majority. The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by professionals, has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional families are the norm due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and widespread addictions – from prescription drugs to exercising, working, and shopping.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

6 Keys to Assertive Communication

Communication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners – for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It's respectful, direct, honest, open, non-threatening and non-defensive. It's not demanding, aggressive, or manipulative.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar?

There are three million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Although both men and women may abuse others, an enormous number of women are subjected to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, many don’t even know it. Why is Emotional Abuse Hard to Recognize?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Healing In Relationships

Even before we enter the world, our brains and hormones are wired for connection. Our first relationship begins in our mother’s womb, where we recognize her voice and respond to her moods through hormones and stress responses. Later, her smell and touch become familiar. Affection and responsive communication are necessary for developing our brains and bodies. Early interactions with our parents shape our self-image and template for love and relationships. Our patterns of relating and reacting, attachment style, are often repeated in adult relationships—romantic and otherwise.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Are You Stuck in a Woman’s Role?

Women assume many roles throughout their lives – as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and grandmothers. Women’s roles have been largely determined by the rules and expectations of culture, religion, and the patriarchy, as well as biology. Have you considered to what extent your roles have defined you, your thoughts and behavior? It may be easier to conform to societal norms and follow the example of your mother and friends, but the price is high if it means sacrificing your beliefs or the expression of other parts of yourself. This can lead to depression.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Dreams: The Doorway to Your Soul

Dreams are the “Royal Road to the Unconscious,” said Freud. What you don’t know controls you. Your unconscious beliefs, fears, motives, and desires can thwart your goals, your health, and relationships. By understanding and learning to trust the messages in your dreams, you are communicating with your true self, your soul, and God. Carl Jung wrote that he who looks inside awakens. “The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul.” Deciphering your dreams’ hidden symbols, guidance, and messages unlocks that doorway.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Growth and Healing in Recovery

Healing is not linear or categorizable but is an obscure odyssey of the soul that meanders, stagnates, and has ups and downs. It warps time, intertwining our past and present, perspectives, relationships, and emotional struggles. For me, writing has been a gratifying and powerful healing tool along my journey. I decided to publish poems I’ve written and lessons I’ve learned in a new book, Unfettered Soul: Poems and Contemplations on Recovery.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

What Is Generational Trauma – Mother Wounds

Generational trauma is a form of trauma passed down to subsequent generations through environmental factors such as psychological transference and attachment behavior according to attachment theory. The psychological impact of a traumatic event, such as historical mistreatment, cultural dislocation, physical or emotional abuse, a natural disaster, or poverty, is passed down from one generation to the next, where individuals who did not directly experience the trauma still exhibit symptoms of it due to the experiences of their ancestors or parents.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Trauma Recovery: A Blueprint and Strategies

Most codependents experience abandonment trauma in childhood, which can take many forms ranging from overt abuse to covert neglect. Even subtle signs that one of our parents does not listen to our thoughts, feelings, or needs send a message that we’re not valued for who we are as an individual. This abandonment trauma lays the groundwork for shame and codependency, which can be a precursor for troubled, adult relationships where we feel unvalued, not enough, and emotionally abandoned compounding our original trauma.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice
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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Myths about Narcissism

<img class="wp-image-28749 alignleft" style="padding-top: 5px;" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/man-shame-peopleimages-Canva-419x500.png" alt="Myths about Narcissism" width="346" height="413" />

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