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Browse every published article connected to Susan Derry, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Browse every published article connected to Susan Derry, or search within this exact expert archive.
Mary Jane Irion said, “Normal Day, let me be aware of the treasure that you are.” There are so many wonders around us each day, if we are awake and aware. Often times we are so busy getting to, coming from, hurrying from task to task that we seldom stop to smell the roses.
Occasionally, it is helpful to get a reality check about how we are perceived by others. We may think that because we love our partner that they know it and feel it. But if we were to take a step back and consider our behavior and the messages we send and how those are received by our partner; we may find there is a disconnect between how we want to be seen by our partner and how our partner actually sees us. If we want to be seen as loving, generous and kind; are we behaving in loving, generous and kind ways?
Jealousy is simply insecurity in hyperdrive. Feeling jealous means that we have weighed and measured ourself and found ourself wanting. We compare ourself to someone or something else and feel that we are coming up short.
Creating time for just the two of you is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Make getting away a regular part of your life. Take a weekend at least once a year; better yet, make it a week, twice a year. Too often couples allow their relationship to fall on the priority list behind the myriad of other balls they are juggling. Time away from daily stress can be just what they need to reconnect with each other.
Too many people are unhappy with their appearance, their abilities or their intelligence. They have measured themselves and found that they are lacking; that somehow they are not good enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, or attractive enough.
Passion is not just limited to the bedroom. You can be passionate about many things in your life. The interesting thing is that the more you invite passion into your life, the greater the chances it will find its way to the bedroom. What do you love to do? When do you lose track of time and get immersed in what you are doing? I’m not talking about mind numbing distractions. What captivates your interest and attention? What makes you feel more alive and awake? Passion leads to feeling joy and fills your life with purpose.
Research indicates that we needs at least 12 laughs a day to be healthy. Laughter helps to boost our immune system and makes us more resilient. As Reader Digest suggests, laughter really is the best medicine. It can help you to relax and boost your mood. It helps to protect your heart and to reduce physical pain. It decreases stress hormones and releases endorphins or feel good chemicals in your brain. It increases oxygen flow to your brain and improve creativity.
Carl Reiner stated, “Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.” What is the difference between lust and love, between loving and liking?
Too many couples quickly forget or never internalize the concept of for better, for worse. When their relationship becomes difficult, as all relationships do, they start to question whether it is working for them. Their lack of enjoyment in the relationship leads them to wonder if there might be something better out there for them.
Looking at any negative experiences in our lives as an opportunity for growth, rather than misfortune, will allow our lives to have an uphill rather than a downhill trend. When you use what you learned from a previous relationship to grow and mature you will be in a better position to form a new relationship. A painful relationship signals the need for growth. Whether you are now free of that relationship or still feel stuck in it, personal growth is the answer.
Have you ever found yourself stuck when trying to solve a problem in your relationship? You talk or battle round and round and never seem to reach any type of agreement. Granted some problems are complicated and difficult to solve, but sometimes we complicate our problems by approaching them from the “I’m right” and “you’re wrong” perspective. Sometimes in order to solve a problem you need to make a paradigm shift; you need to change the way that you are looking at the problem.
The state of our relationships in many ways is a reflection of who we are. Just as a thorn bush does not grow apples, being angry and bitter inside does not tend to produce happy, contented relationships. Too often how we see our partner says more about us that it does about them.
Dr. Helen Fisher put it this way, “Not at any time on this planet have women been so educated, so interesting, so capable. I honestly think that if there was ever a time, in human evolution when we have the opportunity to make good marriages, that time is now.” Being or falling in love is something that has become increasingly important to both men and women. That feeling of falling or being in love is intense and fulfilling.
We have heard many suggestions on how to be successful in life. Believe in yourself, persist, get up every time you fall down, understand there is no failure only feedback, learn from mistakes, reach for the stars and walk toward your goals. All this is true, plus for any career or trade you choose there is a set of skills that you must master if you are to be successful.
Intentionally or not, you have created a relationship climate for all of your relationships. The quality of those relationships has a lot to do with this climate. Relationship climate has little to do with the exact words that you speak or the things that you do. You can say or do the exact same thing but have two very different relationship climates. It has much more to do with what is going on inside of you at the time. You can do something nice for someone from two different positions or a whole range in between. Lets say that you that you decide to make a nice meal for someone.
We live in a fast paced world particularly in the western hemisphere. There is a song, “I’m in a Hurry” by Alabama that aptly describes many of our lives: “I'm in a hurry to get things doner Oh I rush and rush until life's no funr All I really gotta do is live and dier But I'm in a hurry and don't know why. “ Many of us find that we run and run on life’s treadmill, rather than living our lives. We rush through our day, late into the night and then wonder why we can’t slow our minds down enough to sleep. We toss and turn through the night and get up tired, to do it all over again.
Have you ever felt like you were talking to a wall when you were trying to talk to your partner? Getting your partner to listen, especially to your conce s can be difficult. Remember that you deserve to be heard in your relationship. There are some things that you can do that will make it easier for your partner to really hear what you want him or her to hear. Listenr Listening, really listening to your partner and trying to see things from his or her perspective increases the chances that s/he will listen to you. Be Conciliatoryr
Whether you are a mom with small children or you are now taking care of your mom, learning to take care of you first can be a challenge. There is a good reason airlines insist that, in the event of an emergency when traveling with small children or others needing care, that you put your on own oxygen mask first. If you cannot breathe you are not going to be of much use to those you are taking care of.
If your partner is having in-law problems, it is up to you as the son or daughter of the intrusive or disrespectful in-laws to set the boundaries to protect your partner. If your partner feels disrespected or mistreated by your family, it is best to deal with it as soon as possible.
Just as muscles atrophy, or shrink and weaken, with lack of use relationships atrophy when the actions required to keep them strong are neglected. Most people understand that if you want to keep your body fit and healthy then you have to exercise fairly consistently. We do not gain strength or endurance by occasionally attempting to run a marathon. Likewise our relationship will not remain healthy and strong if we occasionally make heroic efforts. If the daily courtesies are neglected the efforts to wow or impress on special occasions will not have the desired impact.
How many times have you caught yourself walking away from a conversation feeling satisfied that you pounded your idea home? You knew that the other person was perfectly clear on what it was that you were trying to say. An important concept to remember is that, as Benjamin Franklin said, “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.” You may have been very insistent and you may have even persuaded the other person to grudgingly agree that you may be right, but you have not changed their mind one bit.
What is a lasting happy marriage worth? It is a precious thing—it contributes greatly to the health and wellbeing of the partners involved. Lasting happy marriages make for happy, secure, well-adjusted families. Strong, healthy families contributes to the stability of the community and strength of the country.
If you have difficulties in your relationship, your perspective may be part of the problem. Consider how you are looking at your relationship and how you are looking at your partner? Your perception of your partner and your relationship affects the reality that you experience. Thinking and believing that it was impossible to put a man on the moon, would never have resulted in Neil Armstrong standing on the moon.
What do happy couples have in common? Why are some couples still in a satisfying relationships after 50+ years and others cannot make it through a year together?
Many relationships are suffering from a lack of empathy. This is often mislabeled as a communication problem. This communication problem manifests as being able hear the words our partner says, but failing to hear the message they are trying to give us. We do not understand how they could think or feel the way they do. It simply does not make sense to us. For many clients, it is not that they cannot tell me what their partner is saying, they usually can state verbatim what their partner wants or needs, they have heard it often enough.
I wonder what would happen in your relationship, if each day you took a few minutes to consider what was awesome about your partner? Would that influence how you spoke to them? Or how you treated them? Or how you talked about them to others?
I would like to challenge you to go 30 days without judgment, harsh words, criticism or complaint in your relationship. This challenge can seem daunting especially if your relationship is struggling. Think of this as an experiment. Take the challenge and notice what happens inside of you and what happens to your relationship.
In all of our relationships we have expectations of how things should be, this applies in our intimate relationships as well. Many of these expectations have not been clearly defined in our own mind and frequently we have not openly shared our expectations with our partner. As our partner bumps up against these unspoken rules and expectations frustration and conflict may result. At this point our first response is often to try to change our partner to match our expectations.
The importance of self-esteem is an unavoidable reality. All of us are impacted by our self-esteem, whether we recognize it or not. High self-esteem allows us to respect ourselves and makes it easier for others to respect us as well. When we feel good about ourselves we are more able to successfully handle life’s challenges. We will also be much more likely to enjoy the good times. Almost everyone struggles with self-esteem some of the time. Even those who seem arrogant and overconfident are probably compensating for a bit of self-doubt.
There are extreme pressures on relationships today. Fast paced lifestyles can leave little room for developing and maintaining intimate relationships. Yet, a healthy relationship is one of the things that make life worthwhile and helps us live a longer and healthier life. A successful relationship can help us face the tough times and enjoy the great times in our life. The following are 8 Keys to Successful Relationships: Passion
I have been reading a fascinating and well-written book, Good to Great by Jim Collins, about how good businesses move to being great businesses. As I am reading I cannot help but wonder if the author has not uncovered universal truths about greatness that may apply not only to business, but possibly to relationships as well. It may be more difficult to identify great relationships than it is to identify great businesses. The success of a relationship could be measured by longevity or by how well it meets the needs of each partner.
How often in a day do you find yourself saying things like I should do this or I have to that? Think about the feeling associated with those shoulds and have tos. It may range from resignation to resentment. Seldom do we experience excited anticipation for things we feel we should or have to do. I want to challenge you to replace the shoulds and have tos with I choose. Our language is powerful. When we think and talk in terms of I should do this or I have to do that, we disempower ourselves.
The state of our lives and our relationships are the result of our seemingly small everyday choices. If for some reason we are unhappy with our relationship or our life, the best place to begin is to consider the choices that we have been making. William James said, “Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” It doesn't matter where we start, changing our attitude will result in different choices and changing our choices will begin to change our attitude.
Too often people in relationships feel disconnected and alone. Perhaps they have been hurt in the past and want to avoid being hurt in the future. The problem is that cutting themselves off from intimacy not only strains their relationships, but strains their health as well. They may have built up walls to protect themselves, but those walls prevent them from forming the very connection that they need for their relationships to flourish.
Love is not something that can be forced. We cannot guilt someone into loving us. We can demand that they love us; however, that tends to have the opposite effect. In order to gain love, we must give love. Consider that people love us because of the way they feel about themselves when they are with us. Are your thoughts, words and actions are building the other person up, thus building the relationship or are they having the opposite effect?
If you have ever gotten your rubber boots stuck in a muddy garden, you will remember how hard it is to lift your boot out of the mud. Sometimes you can manage it by holding onto the top of the boot and pulling up as you lift your foot. This requires excellent balance and could result in landing bum first in the mud. Sometimes a helping hand can make all the difference. But it is also possible that the person trying to help you will end up stuck in the mud as well. Sometimes your only choice is to step out of your boot, pick it up and get muddy walking out.