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Browse every published article connected to Darlene Lancer, with exact attribution and full-archive search.
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Pursuer-distancer relationships cause a lot of heartache, especially for a pursuer. Learn about the mind of a distancer to understand your own or your partner's behavior so you won't take it personally.
Emotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial development and into adulthood. Sometimes the targeted child is referred to as a “surrogate spouse,” due to parent-child enmeshment or a codependent parent-child relationship. Non-sexual incest can happen with a same-sex or opposite-sex parent. Invasive parents have difficulty maintaining an intimate relationship with their spouse and appropriate boundaries with their child. Dysfunctional Family Systemsr
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Healthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Though powerless over an alcoholic-addict's ultimate behavior, we can influence them to get addiction treatment using CRAFT.
<img class="wp-image-28597 alignleft" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/insecure-couple-marina-abrosimova-unsplash-500x500.jpg" alt="Relationship Anxiety" width="438" height="438" />
<img style="float: left; padding: 0 20px 20px 0;" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Child-abuse-soupstock-AdobeStock_132085885-750x500.jpeg" alt="Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child" width="400" height="267" /> We all have an “inner child,” which is an unconscious archetype coined by Carl Jung. It holds our vulnerability, spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, and magical ideas. It also holds fears, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and insecurity experienced growing up and is a vital part in healing trauma.
Abusers are long known for victim-blaming, because they never want to take responsibility. More recently a research psychologist Jennifer Joy Freyd gave this a name: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-22569" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/hopeless-nik-shuliahin-BuNWp1bL0nc-unsplash-1024x1019.jpg" alt="" width="364" height="363" />We can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change.
Often many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-21353 size-large" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/codependency-wounds-woman-AdobeStock_260532236-1024x682.jpg" alt="sad woman, psychic wounds" width="584" height="389" />Codependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-14660" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/couple-distant-Sasin-Tipchai-Pixabay-300x210.jpg" alt="distant-couple-in-bed" width="372" height="264" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-13334" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/mask-manipulator-Ashutosh-Sonwani-Pexels.jpg" alt="covert manipulator, mask" width="313" height="355" />Many of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands of the abuser and feel small and guilty, but retreat and allow unacceptable behavior.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12957" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/narcissist-pixabay-4132758_1280.jpg" alt="narcissistic man, narcissist, narcissim" width="384" height="260" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12984" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/therapy-Pixabay-tiyowprasetyo.jpg" alt="" width="237" height="307" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12984" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/therapy-Pixabay-tiyowprasetyo.jpg" alt="" width="237" height="307" /> Many people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as exte al due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to individual therapy.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12048" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/critic-pointing-by-Prazis-Images-AdobeStock_173778047-1024x681.jpeg" alt="Accusation, pointing" width="453" height="301" />
<img class="wp-image-10934 alignleft" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/Denial-CFD.png" alt="Denial" width="481" height="324" />Denial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our undoing and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only individuals. Denial in the form of "group-think" can dangerously take over families and entire groups. Organizations, sub-cultures, religious sects, and political zealots can deny abuse, addiction, racism, genocide, corruption, and criminality.
Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. Poor Narcissus
<img class="alignleft wp-image-10231" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/toxic-parents.png" alt="" width="341" height="451" />
As codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-9644 size-medium" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Wiki-faces-vase-248x300.png" alt="illusion" width="248" height="300" />
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-6863" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/girl-crying-300x248.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="248" />
<img class="alignleft size-full wp-image-5237" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/anger-management.jpg" alt="Anger management" width="207" height="166" /> Anger hurts. It’s a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re really reacting to something in our past event – often from childhood.
<img class="size-medium wp-image-5803 alignleft" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/2017-06/passive-aggressive.jpg?¨ alt=" width="228" height="300" /> Passive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. They’re basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-5503" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Q-tip-220x300.jpg" alt="" width="220" height="300" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-6103 size-medium" title="Raise Your Self-Esteem" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Self-Esteem-300x243.jpg" alt="Raise Your Self-Esteem" width="300" height="243" />
<img class="size-medium wp-image-5803 alignleft" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/couple-walking-228x300.jpg" alt="" width="228" height="300" />
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-4523" src= "https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/manson-280x300.jpg" alt="self-love, self-esteem" width="300" height="238" /> If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may wonder if your partner is a narcissist or sociopath and whether or not the relationship will improve. If so, or if you recently ended such a relationship, it can undermine your self-esteem and ability to trust yourself and others.
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-3691" src="http://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/boy-sad-206x300.jpg" alt="Sad boy, lonely boy" width="206" height="300" />
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-3815" src="http://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/empty1-300x226.png" alt="empty1" width="300" height="226" />
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-3078" src="http://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/couple-Fromm-250x300.png" alt="couple-Fromm" width="250" height="300" /> Research has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships.
Breakups can be severely painful. Love stimulates such powerful and pleasurable neuro-chemicals that rejection can feel like withdrawal from a drug. It can compel us to engage in obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, even in animals. Rejection and breakups are especially hard for codependents, who generally already have low self-esteem.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-3155 size-medium" src="http://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/distant-mate-stockfresh-300x200.jpg" alt="Narcissistic boyfriend, narcissistic men" width="300" height="200" />
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Donald Trump has grown an empire of wealth and power, but is it enough? He admits that it isn’t the money that motivates him. (The Art of the Deal, 1987) What drives narcissists are their fears of feeling weak, vulnerable, or inferior. Consequently, for male narcissists in particular, achieving power is their highest value – at any cost. Trump is “certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred.” (Trump on Trump)
Anxiety is apprehension of experiencing fear in the future. The danger feared isn’t imminent and may not even be known or realistic. In contrast, fear is an emotional and physical reaction to a present, known threat. Anxiety is typically characterized by obsessive worry and an inability to concentrate that may affect our sleep.
Passive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They're basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Children intuitively know that there are problems in a marriage, sometimes despite their parents' best efforts to hide them. They may even believe divorce is a welcome relief from their parents' hot or cold war. However, they do not share their parents' need to separate, but on the contrary, need both parents. They in fact go through the same reactions as parents, such as denial, reconciliation fantasies, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, depression, boredom, irritability, intense sorrow, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness.
All the times you’re disinterested in sex or just too tired, consider this: Sex doesn’t have to be about orgasm. Wrote Thoreau, “We need pray for no higher heaven than the pure senses can furnish, a purely sensuous life.” (The Writings of Henry David Thoreau, 1906). Yes, through lovemaking, as in meditation, you can experience spiritual heights, healing, and self-esteem. If you don’t have time to meditate, have sex instead. It’s about sensation, whether you want ecstatic meditation or more pleasurable sex.
The emotional unbonding that can occur during divorce is the cornerstone for transformation and is my focus. The task of emotional separation involves unbonding romantic and dependent aspects of the relationship, and mou ing. This is the stage where growth and transformation unfold. It includes disengagement of games, role definitions, and family expectations, and understanding why you selected your partner, why you stayed, and the "dance" you do over and over that doesn't work.
Women are notorious at finding fault with themselves. A Dove study last year found that over 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks, and over two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Many blamed the airbrushed, ideal models for setting unrealistic, unattainable standards. Our societal attitudes are a major cause.